is my theory wrong???

Question

okay, my fiancee and i live together, and have recently been fighting more often than we aren't. there were some things he did that really upset me, and i thought we had figured out a way to work things out. we had tentatively agreed that we needed to leave certain parts of our relationship out for a while, in order to make things work.. those parts would be the sex-related ones, seeing as the things he was doing were all sex-related. i thought that if we concentrated on the non-sexual part for a while, we might develop a better understanding of eachothers mindsets... however this morning he got upset and told me i was being selfish, and that the whole no sex for now thing was just my idea, and that i needed to REALLY think it over. maybe i'm just a selfish female, but is sex supposed to be the only important part of a relationship? or is actually knowing eachother kinda important too, seeing as one day we'd like to be married? PLEASE HELP!!!

okay, i seem to have made what i wrote confusing. the topic isn't forbidden... i just think that after a massive fight like we had last week, where i almost moved out, we need to talk before we have make-up sex. he seems to think that the first and only thing we should have done is have sex. i'm not withholding it as a means of control, it's just that we've done things his way, where we talk things out and then 30 seconds later we're in the sack, and it doesn't work. it just causes more problems. i was wanting to try and see if a different way of doing things would cause new results, and so far all it's done is made him angrier with me.

i keep reading one same response from mostly the males who respond. we both agreed to not have sex for a while, and now he's decided that one week since our big fight, with many attempts by him to start another one. the reason for the big fight we had is about something that where i live is not considered rape, seeing as we're together. perhaps now that i've said that, you can understand why i'm reluctant.. i have a history of physical abuse and sexual abuse, and it just was too much to deal with, so i went to my mom's for the night. i came home the next day and he expected make-up sex then and there... am i still using it as a weapon if i don't feel interested thanks to what he did LAST WEEK? it's not like it was a month ago or a year ago, where i'd have time to heal and deal with the mental issues i'm now having (flashbacks). just figured a bit more explanation would help you give me advice with a bit more insight into the details

Answer 1

I agree sex should not make a relationship, but it can break it!

Answer 2

First off, DO NOT marry someone if you are not sexually compatible. No, sex isn't the biggest part of a marriage, but it has to be part of what helps you be happy with your partner and if that is lacking, then it will probably eat into every other happiness. Also, you have to keep in mind the fact that if things are this bad already, they're not going to get better just because you're married, and they're not going to get easier over time. Passion diminishes over time, leaving closeness, friendship and companionship. If you already have problems with those things, then what will you have left once all the newness ends? A divorce, that's what. Marriage needs to be thought over much better nowadays, instead of all these couples rushing into marriage just to be able to call themselves married, or to get a big diamond, or the myriad other bad reasons. Ugh. It's sickening.

If you don't like having sex with him, then you probably don't like a lot of other things about him either, and if you don't know that now, you'll figure it out later. So save yourself the trouble. Leave him and give both of you a better chance of happiness.

Answer 3

I have some bad news for you. While I do think that your theory is 100% correct, the method with which you are employing it is flawed. Here's why, and please understand that I mean no disrespect to you or your living arrangement: Up until recently, it was never acceptable to co-habitate with a potential partner. A ring was given to a girl with the understanding that marriage would be to follow, and once marriage took place, the couple would begin their lives together as one functioning unit under one roof. Instead, for a myriad of different and valid reasons, couples today are more and more likely to live together before marriage. Typically, the couples eventually tie the knot and all is well. Occasionally, however, things begin to deteriorate rapidly and this deterioration often results in the two people splitting up. If I understand your question correctly, you have sanctioned sexual relations with your fiance' for the time being. I assure you, however, that he doesn't understand this at all. You and he have been residing together as if you were already married, and with that comes certain benefits that he has obviously gotten very accustomed to having. In order to "reset" things, it may be necessary for the two of you to remain engaged, but live in seperate housing. Please understand, I don't judge your relationship as right OR wrong. But, in order for the two of you to be able to persue further understanding of each other's mindsets, it may be complimentary for you to have personal space and not be entertwined in a "marriage-like" living situation. Often, people realize AFTER marriage that they should have waited just a little longer. I'm glad that you have realized this BEFORE tying the knot, which indicates that you are pretty smart about reading people's emotions. I hope you guys can work it out, but understand that sometimes absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder......♥♥♥

Answer 4

There is so much more to relationships then lust and sex. Communication is the number 1 component of any relationship. It must be honest and open from both parties and accepted with an open mind also. Trust is important also for without it you haven't much else. Being best friends is always helpful as you'll be together for a long time (hopefully anyway) if you decide to marry.

Answer 5

No, you aren't wrong...if that's how you feel. However, realize going in that if you cut him off sexually, you can't expect a normal, healthy young man with a good sex drive to just turn it off! What did you two do before you were live-in lovers? How many times a day did you have sex then?
All I can tell you is: Cut him off from your sexual favors and he'll get the need taken care of somewhere else. He'll still LOVE you; but he'll screw the living hell out of some woman who doesn't have your cold, methodical approach to the relationship of "man vs. woman"...

Answer 6

The problem was to alienate a portion of your relationship from discussion. All parts of the relationship should be up for constant re-evaluation. How would you have handled this problem after marriage? To tell you the truth, I don't think your ready for a relationship. Not of this magnitude. Girl friend / boy friend would be more your style. Nothing so intimate as this though. Good Luck!

Damn, lost another chance at 10 points!

Answer 7

Denying someone something that you have freely given them in the past is a way to try to get control, and it is then used as a weapon, just like children are used in divorce cases. No one wins and everyone loses. Don't use sex as a weapon! If you feel it is not working out or you would like to settle issues, learn from this, and don't have sex until you really get to know someone!!

Answer 8

Your right and wrong.Yes,there is much more to a relationship than just sex but at the same time you shouldnt use sex as a weapon to get even with him.If your angy and dont want him to touch you,thats one thing but not giving him that sexual attention just because is wrong.You need to be a man to understand why we need sex I guess.Can we live without it?Sure we can.Can you live with a splitting headache?Sure we can but no one ever stops to correct you when you say : "I Need an asprin". It's kinda like that.

Answer 9

Imagine in the future, and lets say one of you has a terrible accident, and end up paralyzed- Do you think this guy will stay with you? Nope. Didn't think so. Sex is a perk within a healthy relationship (although, most men will disagree) For you to be having these issues before marriage - RED FLAG WAVING!!!!

Answer 10

You are right. But you are right for the wrong reasons. If you were married you two would not have this problem of witholding sex. Married people have sex all the time when they are mad at each other and fighting. I don't know why you two are not married, but if you are living with him, you might as well be married. And you might as well have sex. What I'm saying is I think you are using sex to contol him.

Answer 11

Getting to know each other is an extremely important part of a relationship. However the sexual component is also very important. I think you did the right thing though. Stop the sexual part of the relationship to fix the emotional part is the right thing to do. If he is getting angry because the sex is gone, to fix the emotional side, then maybe you need to step back and evaluate what kind of guy he really is.