This new and is for publication. I need to know what message it conveys to you, what feelings, how you interpret it, meter, etc
The dashes are for visual spacing purposes only! Ignore!
"Above Her Shoulders"
The starry silhouette shining over her shoulders
_ _ beseeches: Re-align to a harder view!
_ _ Grand design always hearkens back to rue.
Tarry darkness, and damnable pin light smolders
_ _ amidst hollow heat, lest to mine eyes: the beholders.
_ _ So petty, none too fine, and all too few, true
_ _ feelings are felt when looking beyond her hue.
Reeling and falling, failing! Love hast grown colder.
So short a while, up on top. Such courtly smiles,
_ _ coyly, couldst never stop. Oh! Whoa! Such trials!
Thou, expanse above, hast lain a burden upon my breast,
_ _ revoking my dove’s ascent! Down to permanent rest!
_ _ Grief! No relief…I canst no longer hold her,
_ _ with such resplendence above her shoulders.
2006-12-09 03:44:16 · 8 answers · asked by Random 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Thank you for your replies thusfar.
I cannot change the form, it is a 14 line Italian Sonnet, and it must stick to ABBA ABBA for the first 14 lines.
As for the word Rue, it is quite befitting the line (definition is sorrowful, remorseful)
2006-12-09 04:38:21 · update #1
For those who think it is sexual, or about love, you are right.
What I envisioned is a sexual encounter where I was lying on my back outdoors at night, with her on top. Upon seeing the vastness of the open night sky, I realised there was more to life than what was in front of me....a grand design...which subdued my love for this woman at the moment.
It was written from an existentialist point of view. I was hoping that someone owuld interpret the poem as such, but I guess I failed in that regard.
But, Des, you are right about love dying, just not in the angelic form.
2006-12-09 04:41:44 · update #2
You nailed it Jones! Thanx!
2006-12-09 04:42:52 · update #3
I believe it's about love lost to death, in "Angelic" form she appears before you and then slowly makes her way beyond your reach. The last verse of first (think they are considered stanzas sry for my ignorance) stanza ending with the word "rue," could possibly be changed as it is not very clear to what u r inferring(suggest possible word change to new word such as
"cue" or another) to keep the synchronization.
These are just suggestions. It might be improved some by also adding a third verse to the third stanza and keeping the original order of the poem: 3lines, 4 lines,(u currently have 2 for third
but should consider 3 lines), 4 lines
I hope I was of some help but I must admit a struggle to make that third stanza second line, last part, where u say, "Oh! Woah! Such trials!" As aforementioned, just the addition of a third line anywhere in the third stanza could resolve this conflict.
You are a very talented, and it seems, accomplished, poet but even the "Best Talents" occasionally try to "sttttttrrrrrreeeetttccchh" the use of more complicated wording when it may have been a "less is more" situation," like I feel the word, "rue" did here. This is a beautiful poem and I wouldn't mind knowing what ur feelings on it were and how u, as author, interpreted this work. I have been wrong before....only human here.
2006-12-09 04:31:32 · answer #1 · answered by des 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it seems kinda over the top and forceful. If it's supposed to be a love poem, it sounds like it was written by a stalker. It's all about the effect this person has on the writer, not about the girl in the poem at all.
2006-12-09 11:48:29 · answer #2 · answered by pancho_villa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, I really don't like this poem, I don't get a good sense of continuity from it and I don't get a good visual.
It's a bit try hard, too fancy, nothing quite cuts to the point.
I'm not trying to be nasty, just give my honest opinion.
Helen
2006-12-09 11:48:54 · answer #3 · answered by Helen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like the poetic wording you used. But, as usual for me, poetry is hard to understand. Are you referring to a mountain, the Statue of Liberty or a deceased loved one? I think it's the latter.
2006-12-09 11:51:57 · answer #4 · answered by honiebyrd 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
in 15
like people my age - i have a short attention span, so i only got through the first stanza. im guessing its about a woman in love?? i dont get the thous and thys so im probably wrong
2006-12-09 11:51:07 · answer #5 · answered by Cynthia S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The illusion of love is larger than what we finally find. The love for her is growing colder as she comes into focus, for now she is all to real.
2006-12-09 12:39:29 · answer #6 · answered by mythisjones 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
at first it made me feel good.. like im being adored... then it freaked me out...
2006-12-09 11:54:23 · answer #7 · answered by --ysSai_03-- 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
seems sexual
2006-12-09 11:46:46 · answer #8 · answered by imcrazy4u 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋