My wife has a shopping addiction. She constantly binges with money we need for bills. I gave her 500 dollars a month to try and satiate her need to shop, but she always ends up becoming angry and verbally abusive towards me once that money ran out. Yesterday she had drained all 4800 dollars from our savings account and went on a shopping binge. I came home took the stuff and returned it. I knew she would be upset, but I was not prepared for what she said. She said you're just like "Joe"(not his real name). Joe is a man she dated who was physically abusive to her and later tried to rape her after they broke up. I've cried many tears for the pain that man caused her and to be told in her eyes I am the same as him was unforgiveable. I moved out yesterday and am seriously considering divorce. I just can't live with being compared to a woman abuser when I have treated her like a queen. Should I go back? And if so how do I forgive her for something that cut me so deep?
2006-12-09 01:10:36 · 18 answers · asked by BossHogg R 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
simple answer NO!
tell her to seek help
you would not be doing her or yourself any good to go back before she does!
2006-12-09 01:25:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anarchy99 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A person who is addicted to something will exhibit strange sometimes unexplainable behavior when confronted or denied of whatever it is that they are addicted to (i.e. drugs, sex, shopping, etc). If you know that this behavior is unbecoming of her, you must be the bigger person in this situation. Have you discussed this addiction with her? You must confront her with it. But prepare yourself for denial...denial...denial. You are part to blame for supplying her with the means to support this addiction. Some people are addicted to drugs, she's addicted to shopping. And you both need to get some help if you want your marriage to work. She will not want help, because she doesn't think she has a problem. But will you have to treat her somewhat like a drug (shopping) addict, insist that the two of you get some professional help. Otherwise, maybe the marriage is over if you don't have Koby Bryant kind of deep pockets (smile). Also let her know that you are the real victim here and that you will not tolerate her abusive behavior and language (by comparing you to her ex). Put your foot down before giving up. If you were will to give her $500 a month for shopping, surely you can put that money toward getting some help for her. Look how much it can save you in the long run. Cheer up!! it's not over ...maybe just time for a fresh start. Good Luck.
2006-12-09 09:29:55 · answer #2 · answered by Stfani T 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well...many people shop to fill a void that they have with-in themselfs. Shopping can be an addiction like gambling or drinking. When it becomes that serious then it is time to seek help. When she told you that you are just like "Joe" she did not mean it, she just said it to make you feel bad about what you did, she knows that you are not like that other guy. As far as leaving her, that seems like what everyone has been doing. Maybe that is why she shops because everyone is always leaving her or she can not find a man who will stick by her through thick and thin or they hit her. So I can see why you moved out of the house, understanable, but do not leave her...try to help her get her cousling about the problem, be her life line and keep the lines of communication open. Some people do not understand that yeah...you might be cursing and screaming at one another but at least you are trying to work it out you can go to counciling and they can effectivly teach one or couples to communicate...It is when there are not more words to be said that is the problem.
2006-12-09 09:27:00 · answer #3 · answered by Danielle 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
She has a problem and she can't stop. When you basically made her by taking everything back she lashed out in the only way she knew that would hurt you. She needs counseling. Make an appointment for her, tell her where and when to be and that you are not coming home if she fails to go. She may resist the first few times but if she realizes she could lose you she will wake up. Do not let her have access to any of your money..... Good luck..
2006-12-09 09:21:45 · answer #4 · answered by kitkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As you may know by now, there are some underlying problems with her. When confronted about her spending problem she took the focus off of her and turned all the focus over on you. This is her defense mechanism, don't take it personally. That is just the way she handles things so she does not have to take responsibility for her actions. She must own up to her share of strain on the relationship. She sounds like she is using "Joe" as her scapegoat. I do believe she knows how to use him to get you to do what she wants. Women are not dumb, we can manipulate like no other creature on earth. Not that it is right, but we are capable of getting what we want by using the right tools, and her tool for getting you to give in is "Joe".
It does sound like you love her dearly and if you do there is hope. But she must learn to respect you and right now it doesn't appear that she is or takes it seriously. Maybe some time apart is what she needs to help her realize that men like you are rare. I am sure she did not mean what she said, but she will have to humble herself and really apologize for what she said. I too, have been known to say some really hurtful things that I did not mean and regret. Hang in there, she can be a wonderful wife, marriage is 50/50, but now she needs to do her share.....Good Luck!
2006-12-09 09:34:00 · answer #5 · answered by stacey h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How long have you been together? If she can't take not spending money, have her pick up a job or second job to pay for her spending. Spending a little here and there is one thing, but spending 500 a month is nuts! Maybe she needs to keep busy to keep her from thinking about "Joe". Tell her how bad she hurt you and see what she says. Tell her exactly how much money is ok to spend and what is not. My husband likes to spend money on electronic stuff. We just don't have money to spend on stuff like that. I had to go so far as to keep him off of our bank account because he was spending bill money. Set her up a back account with money just for her shopping. That way she can't spend the bill money. That's what we did. My husband works and I stay home with the kids, but we both know if he handles the money we won't have a house or food. So I do it. We sat down and talked about how we spend our money and what we wanted to do. We decided all of it together. I gave more than I should have at times, but it's a compromise. That's marriage. You take the good with the bad. I'm bad with directions, I mean really bad. I got lost everywhere and then freak out about it. My husband is a walking compass and is a really calm guy. His way of helping me was to buy me maps, lots of maps. He takes time to teach me routes to things I need to go to. It's a compromise.
2006-12-09 09:20:47 · answer #6 · answered by twogingerkisses 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No way, do not go back to her yet. She is in such a state of denial that it would not do either of you any good. I feel your pain for her, as it is said when someone has an addiction like that. Oprah did a show a few months ago on people with shopping addictions, it was called Compulsive Shopping and its like any other addiction, you need to get it treated. Basically there are four types:
"Revenge addicts" shop as a way of getting back at another person, typically a spouse, with whom they're unable to communicate in any other way.
"Existential addicts" shop because the act of finding the right thing at the right price makes them feel important and gives their life meaning.
"Serial addicts" are people for whom compulsive shopping is just one in a series of compulsive behaviors like eating, drinking or drug abuse.
The fourth group shops to boost their mood—although in a much larger way than the people in our first group. When a compulsive shopper prepares to buy, her mood rises steadily—her heart quickens, her palms sweat. When she makes her purchase, her mood plateaus, then it quickly falls off. Her good feelings quickly evaporate and remorse or guilt sets in.
I have included the link to Oprah's site that will help you deal with this problem. I'm so sorry that you're wife and you are going through this, i will keep you in my prayers.
2006-12-09 09:40:02 · answer #7 · answered by daff73 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, please try to understand that when you come between an addict & their addiction, what you heard was little compared to what you have yet to hear.. you got to be prepared, okay? It was NOT her speaking, but her compulsive disorder which is the end all and be all of her.. be kind to yourself and know you cannot take this personally!!
Secondly, if you love her, it means you WILL hear worse in the process of helping. OCD (obsessive compulsive disorders) are very real and not something the person can just "control". They will fight to keep doing what they do because there is an internal system that links their absolute ability to survive with that addiction. It is possible to bring under control, and only someone who truly loves an OCD sufferer can help - by seeing a OCD specialist therapist who will help her id the problem, and by taking all the crap, basically, until the person is okay. Seeing someone you love healed will heal the pain of whatever they've told you. I know you're hurting. Please understand you came between her and her addiction, and so she lashed out. Down deep, it was her intention, but is also her regret. She CANNOT stop herself, only a therapist and someone like you, who truly loves her, can. Do not be afraid. Go back. Help her. and KEEP THE MONEY AWAY from her. She'll steal it, she'll do anything, even shoplift and if you do not love her enough to help her, then I ask you, who will?
2006-12-09 09:19:34 · answer #8 · answered by Sugar 4 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Dude, they're words. Words only! You left because of words or because she has a psych problem with spending? She seems to be very immature, with her attitude toward spending and her casual use of words. I bet she was smiling after she said those things, knowing they hit the mark. O.K. as for advice! Freeze the accounts right now! She shops to relieve some sort of stress and right now that stress level has just peaked since you left! So the only release for her is ...you guessed it, SHOPPING! Go freeze the accounts. Take her name off of them or start a new one in just your name. If reconciliation is in order, you need to demand she see a counselor. No more allowance. That's not fixing the problem, you know that! It's time to go on the offense! The next few months may not be pretty, but you'll look back and see they wee profitable.
2006-12-09 09:26:58 · answer #9 · answered by delux_version 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Nope. No point in going back. It's over and you'll be the better off for it. This woman has too many serious issues that she hasn't resolved or learned how to manage. Get out while you can. And who cares if she compared you to Joe; she's got the problems unless you subscribe to them. You've been cut so deep? Ya big wuss, you're making me feel all creepy. Move on and quit whining like a girl
2006-12-09 09:17:42 · answer #10 · answered by Hank Hill 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
You're not trying to hurt your wife, you're trying to help her but she's in denial that she has a problem. She needs to realize that and do something about it. She needs to prove to you that she want this marriage to work and will take proper actions to make that happen. If she doesn't then you know you tried and it's over, life goes on.
2006-12-09 09:23:14 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋