I am supposed to be leaving abusive husband tomorrow, why am I getting cold feet?

Question

I have the truck ready, my friends and family ready to help, my mom's house to go to. I have everything set up to leave with my kids and I am having so many mixed feelings. I have been wiht husband for 13 years, i'm 34 and he's 33. Two small children together. He is very abusive to me verbally and mentally( has choked me 3 times over 4 years ago). He has no regard or respect for me and gives me the silent treatment for weeks and just sleeps in the room with me when he wants sex or something, or when he's not mad. It's just bad for everyone involved so why am I so skeptical? I am excited yet afraid of my new life to come. I fel he will have it easier than me and find someone else and treat her better and start a new family. Counseling doesn't seem to be working fo rus. I just don't think he'll change for me but will change for someone else. How do I take the step out the door tomorrow and not look back? My family is skeptical cause I came back last year after leaving. please help

Answer 1

Why are you getting cold feet? My dear, it's because although this is bad, it's all you know, and because he has worn you down to the point that you believe him; that you are worthless, when you are not.
You take that step one breath at a time. You do not think of tomorrow, you think of yesterday, of all the pain, and you literally breathe yourself one step at a time out of that house. How you stay away is a different story - you go to counselling alone. For you, not for "the two of you" - to get the strength and the tools to stay away.

One breath at a time. One. Only one. Be strong.

Answer 2

Veronique, I usually don't advise divorce unless someone has cheated, but I also can't sit here in judgment while your throat is being throttled. I would tell you that you're doing the right thing. If not for you, your kids. He may never change. He may not see the need. His next partner will be in your shoes soon enough. People don't just change that way. Not without counseling that is better than what you have been getting. Just remember this, if you think you're doing the wrong thing, then you can always change your mind later when he begs you to come back. This time on your terms! No more abuse, ever! Doesn't that sound like a wonderful future?

Answer 3

It is normal to be afraid after being with an abusive person for all these years...however, you should be more afraid of staying then leaving....abuse only escalates and you need to start thinking about the health, safety and happiness of your two small children...is this the life you want for them??? I don't think so...he will not change for you or for someone new....He can only change if he wants to and that requires alot of time, work and commitment to change. The odds are against that happening......so, be greatful that you can still leave with your children to start a new life and that you have someplace to go and family to help you and give you support...Consider yourself very lucky that you didn't die when he choked you and get out before it happens again...next time you may not be so lucky....and then what will happen to the kids???? Get out ....continue counseling and don't look back....get a restraining order if you have to.....the next few weeks will be the toughest and most dangerous time for you and your family....take every precaution and do not let your guard down for a second...and do not take your eyes off of those kids for a second....make sure you notify the school if your kids go to school .....I wish you all the best....be safe

Answer 4

Thirteen years is a long time. You may feel that is all you have and know. What you will come to realize after you make that right decision to leave, is that there is a life of happiness out there for you and your children. Abusive relationships are not good for anybody involved. If counseling hasn't helped at this point, it probably isn't going to get any better, only worse. He has already physically abused you on several occasions, the next time could get even worse.
Take that step and start your life anew. Don't look back, look to the future and commit yourself to making a good life for you and your children.

Answer 5

you have to be ready to leave and u will know when the time comes, was in a bad relationship with abuse and stayed time after time but one day i woke up and knew that day was the day of the 1st day to start over. move some things out and if talking to him doesnt work try a seperation and see how counseling works for him with anger management and abuse. u still should go to counseling if seperating to know u can be confident and deal with ur mixed feelings. more then likely u will be just fine its the unknown that u have to get excited about and yes there will be someone out there that really loves u and the kids later. He may find someone right away but u dont know how he will treat them that will be up to him to deal with. my ex didnt change and abused after i left so u dont know how he will be. o and 1 step at a time put one foot in front of the other grab those kids and make this life less complicated and safe by leaving. they will grow up knowing more love then you can give fighting and them seeing u or them being abused more seriously later or even save ur own life as abuse can progress to death in some very physical situations. u need a friend and family to really support u and gain confidence that u can do it and i know u can dont stay and get hurt time after time. some one who loves u doesnt make u cry or hurt just keep that in mind ok? take care and god bless

Answer 6

Honey. Walk out that door and don't look back. Your kids are most important. Yes. Take this one step further and get an ex parte as soon as you get your children secure. And your family. This situation is really dangerous.Do not talk to him about anything. Any conversations you hold from now on should be through an attorney. If you do not leave and or do leave and go back you will lose your children. Knowing that tell me you still love the loser! Your childrens nor yours will be a living hell anymore. That is great. Be strong for your children above all. Everything else will fall into place for you and the kids. Because you did what was best for them and you. I repeat get the ex parte. Go down to the courthouse and file it immediately. And do not make him the wiser about anything you have to do. Please cover not only your back for a while but everyone else involved and helping you. Remember your children and you first. That is who he will come for first.

Answer 7

You sound like a very strong woman. Do not let this abuser think that he can control you anymore. You are better off alone that with an abuser. Even if you have to struggle for awhile you will come out happier in the end. If I had to have sex with someone who has choked me 3 times I would vomit all over him right during sex. Girl you need RESPECT and he is not giving it to you. Work on yourself and raising your kids and kick him to the curb. He is not worth your time anymore. Now go and continue packing your stuff up and run out the door. Good luck

Answer 8

This is normal, you don't hate him, you hate the behaviors. And unfortunately these behaviors can one day be the death of you literally. So, do what is best and leave. You will probably miss him for quite sometime. Just keep in mind that you are doing what is best for you and for the children. They do not need to grow up in an abusive environment, and you deserve to be treated with respect and the absence of physical, emotional and mental abuse. However, be very careful women are most at risk in a abusive relationship when they leave. Look up some web sites regarding domestic violence and abusive relationships. educate yourself and be aware of the signs and what you can do to protect yourself and your family. You are very fortunate to have a loving and supportive family behind you, you will not forget about him over night and may never stop loving him. However, you must do what is in the best interest of your precious children. And you are fortunate enough that you do have the love and support of a family. Pray and ask God to give you the courage, strenght and wisdom to get through this situation. It is not going to be easy, however, you can do this. Good luck to you, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I wish you the best. Just be strong and know that your feelings are valid and very normal. It will all be ok, you should also get some counseling for yourself. Call your local domestic violence agency, they usually offer free or low cost counseling and support groups to women who are surviviors of domestic violence. All are trained professionals, and many are suviviors themselves. All is confidential. good luck and God bless you and your family.****

Answer 9

Somehow you have allowed yourself to believe that that's where you belong. You're holding on to the fact that at one time, you and he truly? loved one another. You've shared a life together, you have children together..
I left my first husband a few times, and each time I returned. I stayed with him, even after he had beaten me so badly, that I had lost our unborn child. Then came a time where I suddenly found myself arrested, and possibly facing 20 years in prison. Thankfully, the judge took the time to study the case, and told me to walk away. I was put on probation for 2 years and told NOT to ever see my husband again. I still did though, sadly. That time, I looked at everything with different sight, and found that he he, was much like the way you explain your husband. I quietly walked out in tears, and never went back.
I have a wonderful husband, and 2 wonderful sons, daughters in law, and grandkids!
Part of you will remember all the good things you've shared with your husband, but make certain you remember the bad things as well. Forgive doesn't always mean forget.
I wish you the strength to get though this, and the courage to take the first step and NOT turn back. YOU are better than this..your children and you deserve a life with laughter, love, respect.. It will be hard not to return, but when you feel those times approaching, talk with family/friends, and ask for strength..
I am so proud of you for walking away..

Is there a womans support group that you can be part of..

Answer 10

It's going to be difficult to leave because you do have 13 years invested in this relationship. However, you have 2 young children that need to you to be strong for yourself as well as for them, and make this a SAFE move. If he has physically harmed you, think about this... next time it may be worse.

You obviously have a strong support system with your family & friends that are willing to help you thru this, you need to do this move and give yourself some time to concentrate on yourself and your children.

As far as the counseling, I would say maybe it would be good to continue it for you and your children. Your children will be confused at first, but in the long run it is best for everyone of you to put the distance between you and your husband.

Good Luck to you, my heart goes out to you & I'll keep you in my prayers.

Answer 11

You must leave, not for yourself but for your children. You are in an abusive codependent relationship and the cycle must stop. Staying in the relationship will cost your children dearly. And may effect their future relationships.

You need to contact a local domestic abuse center and get the name of a good counselor. Then follow up and go often, look for a codependent support group as well. You need to deal with the issues of why you feel you want to stay. Why you allow him to use and abuse you. There are a lot of feelings that need to be sorted on so you can move on and have a happy healthy life in th future. Everytime you think of going back remember how it felt when he choked you. And vow never to put yourself in that situation again.

It's abuse to go back it's abuse to your children to stay. Please walk out that door and realize you are finally free.

Imagine how you would feel if you were your child. If your child were in this situation what would you do? How would you feel?

You can do this, you owe it to yourself. Get your self esteem back, you are worth so much more. Hopefully with the help of family, friends, and counseling and support groups you can move forward and wonder why you didn't do it so much sooner.

My prayers are with you!