I am having a hard time.........?

Question

I know that i am attracted to girls and i may want to spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend but i am afraid i am gonna traumatize my kids and hurt my family. Should i remain on the DL so that i dont hurt and confuse everyone around me? i think i might be able to live with doing that.

Answer 1

First, weather or not you will traumatize your kids depends on how you handle the situation. If you wait until they are older, then you run the risk of them feeling as though their whole childhood is a lie. If they find out on their own, then their childhood is a lie and you're a liar. Not good.

If you tell them on your own terms and provide them with healthy models of love and support, then simply being gay will not traumatize them. But living on the DL will set a really terrible example for them. You'll teach them that it is ok to be miserable and live a lie. And they will also feel like they were to blame for making you a miserable liar, since you're only staying "for the kids"

At this point, I think you need to read up more on same-sex parenting and assure yourself that being gay will not ruin your kids. Here are some good books off the top of my head:

How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages by Judith E. Snow

Someone I Love Is Gay: How Family & Friends Can Respond by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies

Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is
by Abigail Garner

Sons Talk About Their Gay Fathers: Life Curves by Andrew R. Gottlieb

Out of the Ordinary: Essays on Growing Up with Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Parents by Noelle Howey, Ellen Samuels, Margarethe Cammermeyer, Dan Savage

For Lesbian Parents: Your Guide to Helping Your Family Grow Up Happy, Healthy, and Proud by Suzanne M. Johnson, Elizabeth O'Connor

Gay Parents/Straight Schools: Building Communication and Trust by Virginia Casper and Steven B. Schultz

Answer 2

You'll know best what to do, as you know the people you're dealing with and can anticipate their reactions (but be open to enexpected opinions). Keep weighing the problem (keep looking into your heart) until one way pulls you stronger than the other.

Your kids are on your side. Sooner or later you'll need to clarify for them what mommy's life is like, and why. Their reaction to the fallout from other people doesn't matter one iota, I believe, and here's why: they'll turn to you (consciously or unawares) for their cues on how to react and handle the noise (pain, accusations, pleadings whatever). Show them your serenity and composure, your maturity and conviction. Introduce them to SweetMommy's backbone, and they'll begin to firm up their own.
So, focus on what you feel strongest to do. You can stay on the DL as long as it serves you. When you feel something like 'I wanna' get outta' my own skin' or 'I can't take the deception any more, I'm living a lie', then your cue is prompting and time has come to take the next step.

I'm straight, so I don't have the insight or experience a lesbian could give you, but I care intensely that family members find peace with each other. Mental health is everybody's right, this is my perspective. There are concerns unique to lesbians, true. My advice is pretty generic, I hope something of it helps.

Answer 3

Yes, the age of the children would matter somewhat, but the younger they are, the more I would consider living life the way you want to and they will adjust with you. Living a lie could be damaging as well. Children are amazing resilient and as long as they have one parent that loves them unconditionally and will not have any partner that tries to make the mother (YOU) choose between them and the children all could be fairly normal. The children's welfare should always come first. I have seen many foster kids go through my Mom's home for nearly 35 years. Most of these kids wouldn't be messed up if their parents weren't. Kids need constant, consistent, controlled parents and as long as every effort is made to keep the kids happy, they will grow up well adjusted if the parents are those 3 things. You never mention the truth coming out with your parents (the grandparents) and might make things difficult...but as long as YOU remain stable in the children's life, they will bounce back from most situations. Good luck my dear, that's a long row to hoe and I wish you the best.

Answer 4

If people have a problem with your sexuality and partner, it's because of their ignorance. Try to help them become more accepting individuals and if they don't then just go on with your life. Their problems don't have to be your problems. As for letting people down, every single person lets their parents down in some way or another. For some it my be making linebacker instead of quarterback like their father and grandfather and great-grandfather. For others it may be failing to discover a cure for cancer. Parents come up with specific, crazy dreams for their child's future. Learn to accept that there's about a 0% chance of living up to them. As for children, how could they be hurt? I was somewhat raised by a single mother a couple fries short of a happy meal if you catch my meaning and I turned out ok. Two moms that are in a happy, healthy relationship can raise a kid a lot better than many straight couples out there.

Answer 5

How old are your children.?
I think that while a selfless act that shows deep consideration for your family nd children, you are a little more concerned about how they will react to you.
Consider how hard it will be for you to live that way. You should try to make yourself happy, than consider whether you should keep a secret for the rest of the life, that will probably make you unhappy.

If you choose to tell your family. Then you can also make sure that you 'protect' your children from what you do /don't want them to see/learn so early in life.

Answer 6

hell no, chickie! you need to get it out there to everyone as it is your decision and they must accept u 4 who you are. it'll suck im sure if you had to hide this kind of thing. just have a serious, friendlt chat to them and tell them that you're still the same person. they will get over it eventually.