Building trust that's been destroyed???HOW can I do this?? serious answers please?

Question

When a husband/wife does something that destroys the trust you once had, how can it be built up again? We've been to councelling together & I've done so much research on the internet about the issue of trust but I just can't seem to go forward with this problem. It's not that I think he'll cheat on me, it's not that I think he doesn't love me. He has done everything possible to set things straight with us. The problem now is with me...I don't know how to get out of my mind what's happened in the past & I don't know how to trust someone again once they've betrayed that.
all I see on the internet is "get over it" "put it in the past" "go forward" "don't look back"
This is all good advice but nothing tells me HOW???

Answer 1

Isn't it strange how either a Male or Female can be in a loving trusting relationship & then go & ruin the whole lot in one fowl swoop?
It can take years to build up trust in someone else, true trust...yet we can pull the whole lot down in a matter of minutes.

This is such a difficult situation to be in...I assume that whatever occurred in order for you to lose your trust in the first place, occurred a little while ago...I assume this because you say you've been to counselling together...often couples don't resort to counselling until the situation becomes un-bearable for either one or the other or both...this generally takes a little time. You've done lots of research on the net as well & as you've found out being told to "forgive" "move on" "get over it" & the like aren't good advice messages.

Am I to assume that you didn't find counselling too helpful either? Sometimes when we seek help such as counselling it's almost as if we're expecting some magical formula to come our way, or the "answer" to appear as though some miracle had just taken place.
Unfortunately: life isn't like that. In reality building trust that has been destroyed takes quite a bit of work....more from your husband [in this case] but a certain amount from you also.

One of the problems with destroyed trust is the fact that the one that's been "let down" as it were, will find it so hard to trust even their thoughts with the "offending party" [for want of a better phase] so even just being able to express what's on your mind may at times seem almost impossible to do. There isn't any "magic" or instant resolve for this unfortunately...everything takes time, the question here is how much time would you be willing to give for your trust/marriage to improve? Do you think it's something worth fighting for? If the answer to the last question is “no” then perhaps you should be thinking of saving you both a lot of misery & heartache & maybe just call it a day.

If however the answer is “yes” which I feel somehow it is…otherwise you wouldn’t still be looking for the answer to this horrible situation you’re in….then you need to look to your Husband for signs that any form of trust can be re-built: signs that would show he is worthy of you trusting him once more?
For example: you say he does everything he can to try & fix things between you both:
You don’t say what it was that caused the trust to be destroyed but whatever it was has he now stopped doing it? Doe’s he show signs of getting impatient with you while trying to work through this or is he respectful of your feelings at all times.? Has he distanced himself from whatever caused the loss of trust?
Often many feel that because they know they’re no longer doing anything “wrong” that the other partner should “just trust” them….Doe’s he go out of his way to not only say how sorry he is but act to re-enforce what he’s saying…after all, words are cheap…Actions speak much louder.
Doe’s he try to blame you for what happened or doe’s he accept full responsibility in that he was the one in control of his actions?
All these signs would be a good indication that thing’s are on the mend…but you need to recognise & accept the signs or you’ll just be kept in this capsule never allowing yourself to go forward.
I know this will be difficult for you but the only way to know whether the water’s cold is to test it out…if you never allow yourself to talk things over or confide your deepest & innermost thoughts & fears you will never know whether this trust can be re-built: you will never feel comfortable doing it…& that unfortunately is where the hard work from you comes from, you may have to force yourself to take what is an uncomfortable step for you & start to tell him how you're feeling..it doe's get easier...I promise.

Just one more thing here “Angel Eyes” Can you honestly say that you had complete & utter trust for your Husband in the first place or was trust a bit of an issue anyway…perhaps because of past events in your life….& now because of what’s happened you’re somehow pinning all of what you’re feeling onto this one event? I only ask this because I know I’ve done this myself.
When someone hurts us deeply…which you obviously have been…our ego can be bruised greatly as well, we can often dwell on all past events & all gift wrapped up with something we’re having to deal with at any given time makes a heavy lot indeed. We continually ask ourselves “how could they do this to me”? “I can’t believe I didn’t find out about this sooner” we then perhaps start looking at ourselves [not always a bad thing] but if we look at ourselves in a blaming or accusing way we can focus more anger at the partner that did wrong because we’re equally angry with ourselves. Often the pain of being “let down” will lurk in the background for much longer than the pain of what brought us to a situation like this in the first place.

Only you can know the answer to this.
I get the feeling somehow that you feel your marriage is worth fighting for…so I would say to you ..keep on fighting…be patient with not just your Husband but with yourself too.
I wish you both the best of luck for the future.

Answer 2

You may find a lot in the Internet...but lets face the truth...the "trust" once lost is lost forever. You really cannot trust the same person with the same intensity whether its your hubby, father or brother or friend. It is our emotions that drives us, makes us weak and we start listening to our heart and see that we are again taken for-granted and are used....the other person might not doing it deliberately sometimes or many a times but you know...we are used (subconciously).

Once the betrayal has taken place, you actually cannot rebuild it...only recipe is now is...don't expect anything. Do not stop communication, do not stop loving (if it was actually there, you would not be able to help loving your partner) ..I mean, do not hold your loving gestures (despite you knowing the betrayal - which you at times may not feel like) but let it flow naturally. Continue behaving in such a manner that nothing has happened. But you should have the command in such a way that you are not taken for-granted. If the partner is sensible enough - would soon realize...and would feel sorry. This is for certain...

Whatever has happened between the two of you. and as you have told that even he is trying to get things straight between you. If you are a sensetizer (psychologically) it would really be very hard to forget.

Sooner or later it should work - the only thing you have to keep in mind that despite everything the communication should not stop. You can both decide and make certain rules for your home that cannot be neglected. One such could be - dinner will not be skipped in any condition. Even if you guys had a fight...the dinner will not be skipped..for which you both should agree...communication does wonders...try it...

One more thing, your life's command should be in your hand - a mandatory condition.

All the best.

Answer 3

You can forgive, but you can't always forget. YOU have to decide if it is worth forgiving and forgetting. In MOST cases the trust cannot be rebuilt because the doubt is already there. Just don't hold that against other people. I have learned through trial and error, that each person is an individual. Just because you can't trust your husband, doesn't mean there won't be a man down the road who is just like him. Getting some counseling for yourself might be a good thing, too. It will help you learn how to change your thinking so you can move on.

Answer 4

Yes, trust can be rebuilt but it takes time. In your case I'm not so sure because your husband lied also when he said he had changed. Your husband could be a compulsive liar. And the only way out with a compulsive liar is professional help. There is a reason why he feels the need to lie all the time so he needs help. If you want to work on this relationship then your husband needs to get the help that he needs. If he refuses the help then this is the kind of life you will have with him. Is this what you really want?

Answer 5

This is very difficult, and the stuff you read about "get over it" and "forgive and forget" isn't helpful at all, is it?

First of all, forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. It's like the grief process. . . it doesn't happen overnight and the only way to do it is to feel your feelings. Counseling might help you--not necessarily couples counseling but individual counseling with a GOOD therapist.

As to actually trusting again . . . that is different from forgiveness. It is possible to forgive someone, but never to trust them again! Trust is earned, and if your husband has un-earned it, it will take time and consistent effort on his part to earn it back.

That said, if you are to trust again you must give him the opportunity to prove to you that he is trustworthy. I have a friend whose wife cheated on him years ago, and although she has been truly faithful ever since, he brings it up every time they disagree. He uses it as a weapon, and it is obvious that he won't move on because he likes having the weapon. I suspect their marriage will fail. If it does, will it be her fault for cheating, or his fault for loving that weapon so much? Or both? It is never simple.

Answer 6

It's tough that's for sure. Here's one thing to think about. It took time to "fall" in love and it will take time to rebuild trust. One of the nasty, nasty things about spousal cheating is just what you face--letting that person back into your life where there is the possibility that they can wound you again. The problem is NOT with you. You have every right to your feelings and don't let go of them. Trust is rebuilt one tiny, tiny step at a time like a dripping faucet fills a bucket. It takes patience and time and effort on the part of the offender--and you. It's never, "OK, we've healed, now we're good to go." Time and patience and you need to always verify that the trust you place in your spouse is justified.

Answer 7

It was very hard for me at first. For seven years I was were you are and the only thing that got me feeling what i do now is is that I have had enough. I got tired of it and wanted more out of live then second place.Trust me it will get old. There is no real answer but it has to come from you when enough is a enough. Start with trying to change your routine of doing for him as much as you did, slowly you will see that the love you had for him was like a layer of skin, soon the layers will come off and you will get a sense of strength to move on. It took me awhile but it worked.Good luck! I hope I helped.

Answer 8

Repairing broken trust takes time, you say your don't think he will cheat on you, so I wonder what happened to destroy the trust so completely?

Anybody that tells you "get over it" "put it in the past" "go forward" "don't look back" is full of crap, its not good advice. It takes TIME and work by the one who broke the trust.

Forgiving is not forgetting...It's remembering with your mind at peace. Until you feel inside yourself that the trust is restored you will not find that peace.

Additionally we all tend to give our partners "blind trust" until its broken. Do you have blind trust in your doctor, banker, mechanic? Many of these people we have know longer than our partners, yet we fall in love and automatically grant that person blind trust.

Answer 9

once you lost it will not get the same again why do u think so ? it has to start from somewhere , there has to be a new beggning . things will be different thats sure but how can you say that they will be worst than before i mean things may be more your way in coming months who knows . just give your relation a good chance for the things to happen . dont think of the past try to change little things which are connected to the past . you will have to do that to make your relation moving

Answer 10

You said you love him and he loves you, then give him a second chance. It takes practise to bring back the trust again. Keep doing it until you can do it fully again. It will not be easy but keep trying. Psyche yourself everyday by looking at the mirror and saying to yourself that everything will be okay because you trust him, and that you are confident of yourself. Sometimes, not being able to trust is an indication that you don't have self-confidence in yourself. So tell yourself everyday that you are self confident , he will not betray your trust.

Answer 11

Marriage is for better and for worse and for keeps. Pride is a very strong emotion to overcome.Don't worry what others think is a step in the right direction. In our weakness we gain strength. God Bless and good luck also....