P.ORN....It's wrecking my marriage, How am I to get through this??? Serious answers only please,?

Question

My husband was brought up surrounded by p.orn & encouraged by his mother to read it as she says it proved to her that her son wasn't gay??? I knew about the p.orn before we got married but felt it was his past & only right I should leave it where it belonged..thinking that's what he'd done also...About 2 yrs ago I found out that he'd been hiding p.orn mags & videos underneath my b/r floorboards (my son found them) I also found out he'd been looking at p.orn over the Internet via my PC.
I felt totally betrayed & hurt, we split up for a wk or so & he begged me to give us another go, I have tried so hard to get over this but what makes it worse is the fact that in the past when I caught him looking at other women while out together, He would then spend an age telling me I was the one with paranoa & I needed help. I did get coucelling but it doesn't seem to have done the trick. Now I feel that I just don't love my husband anymore & don't want to be with him...how can I get through this???

Because of all the times he'd lied to me about looking at other women & because of the way he'd said I was the one that had all the hangups & should see a councellor I now feel so angry & insulted by his behaviour. We'd only been married for abot 18 mths [if that] when he was using the p.orn again. Our sex life was great & he was constantly telling me he loved me [still does] but I just lost all my trust for him & no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to get it back. Now whenever I see images of women looking sexy [which is everywhere I look] it all comes flooding back & I just see no way out but to leave him now. He's stopped using p.orn now so he says. but I just feel that he would cheat on me given the chance. I don't have proof of that & I do believe him when he says he's no longer using p.orn, But I still can't seem to get through it all & leave it where it belongs...in the past...we're both suffering because of this & I think it may be easier to just break up. ???

My Son is 16 yrs old, I have other kids that are older. Has anyone else been through all of this & come out the other end with marriage in tact??? I need to know there's some hope of us recovering otherwise I just don't see the point in going any further with it.
I've already been to councelling & quite honestly I don't see why because of his behaviour I should need treatment, but unfortunately that seems to be what I do need now.
We've been to councelling together & he's really trying so hard...but I can't seem to forget it all. Even though I want to.
I keep hearing "just get over it" but it's not as easy as it sounds.

I guess the easiest way out for most is to blame the wife in some way for not being exciting enough...that couldn't be further from the truth, our sex life was really hot. I don't really want to go into details here, but it included sex games etc etc; He wasn't looking elsewhere out of need, he admits that himself we had the best sex life ever for both of us,,,,anyway! that's not actually the issue here, the issue is my failing to get past it all & learning to trust him again after all the lies. I'm not actually so bothered by the **** in itself....but the lies that went with it.

Answer 1

I’ve seen your other posting on the issue of building up trust that’s been destroyed, so I’ll not go into that in detail here as I’ve already answered your other question concerning that.
I’ve also read & re-read all the answers given to you here, some I agree with some I don't.
I find it quite disturbing that other females can tell you its fine that their husbands look at porn0graphic material & that somehow you are making something of nothing. If they have no problem with their Guys lusting over other women then obviously not too much self respect is going on there.
Whether they agree with your stand on porn0graphic material or not is actually not the issue here, you are still finding this a hard situation to be in. I hear what you say about the trust being gone now & finding it hard to re-build it.
If you told your husband your stand on using material such as this before you were married...[I suspect he knew your feelings about it, that’s why he felt the need to hide it] then for him to continue to use it knowing how you felt is nothing less than abuse of the trust that you gave him. After all he did have the option of being truthful & allowing you the freedom of choice in that you could either continue with the marriage & deal with the situation or choose not to go ahead...That was in fact taken away from you….You have no right to dictate to him about what he wants to watch or use…but in the same light he doesn’t have the right either to impose on you the fact that he wants to use porn0graphy
I hear time & time again how people will somehow use the argument that one partner will do something under a veil of secrecy because the other doesn't like what they're doing...That’s the same as me saying I have affairs in secret because I know my husband wouldn’t like or understand what I’m doing….
A lot of Guys [& women] seem to feel that for Men to engage in porn0graphy is fine & just an innocent pastime.
More often than not these same Guys [& I’ve asked quite a few male friends this question] wouldn’t want their g/f’s getting off on watching Guys with perfect bodies & giant sized dicks.
Actually if both partners in a marriage are fine with porn0grathy either separately or together then that’s entirely their choice. That’s a decision they would both have agreed on & I don’t myself feel it’s my business to make a comment on that. In the same light it’s not the business of other’s to make a comment on what your preferences are either.
But if one partner is not comfortable with the other partner indulging in porn0graphy then I would have thought that in a relationship based on mutual trust, love & consideration…that partners feelings would/should be taken into account…otherwise I wouldn’t see why if that trust is broken the one that breaks it can hardly be surprised when their marriage hits troublesome times.
If however both partners agree it’s fine from the start & then have a change of mind, that’s a different situation, but still one that would have to be resolved.

To all those that feel also that Guy’s turn to porn0graphic material because somehow the wife/husband [yes! wives do use it against their husbands wishes] have “let themselves go” or won’t partake in certain “sexual practices” within their marriage, I’ve never heard so much crap in all my life.
I had a friend that was extremely pretty & fit. She always paid a lot of care to how she looked. I know for a fact [both she & he would giggle over what had happened the night before] that she would play sex games & had many sexy outfits along with “toys” which she & her husband used in their marriage. She was far from a “prude” as far as their sex life was concerned…yet he still felt the need to indulge in Porn0graphic material. So although people use that reason it’s often not the case & nothing short of an insult to “blame” the wife or husband. Saying a husbands eyes won’t roam to another woman if the wife is drop dead gorgeous herself, is also a lot of rot. The most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on…
I doubt the women that are OK with their husbands using porn0graphic material would agree that their husbands use it because of some failings on their part…So try not to allow comments such as these make you feel even worse than you already do.

Obviously you’re not happy with your husband continuing to use porn0graphic material & he loves you enough to know that if it doesn’t stop [which apparently it already has] then he runs the risk of you leaving him. Some would say that you’re forcing your views onto him, I don’t think that’s the case, I feel that he has a choice to either respect your views or not…he has the right to either stay or go…a right that was in fact taken away from you. So you’re perfectly within your rights to say what you will or will not allow into your marriage. The same as you have a right to say whether you will work through this with him or not.
If porn0graphic content is such an innocent pastime then giving it up for the sake of ones marriage shouldn’t be that hard should it? For most however, it’s not the innocent pastime they would have you believe…it is in fact as some have pointed out here an addiction, which for some will mean they have to get help. So you are going to have to ask your husband [this will mean he will have to be totally honest] if he still feels the need to use it. Try not to get angry with him if in his honest reply he admits he does, then you can both look at options together as a way of resolving this life long habit that his Mother clearly encouraged while he was growing up. Although it must be hard try also not to take his “desire” of p0rn as a personal attack on you….It in no way reflects the person you are or the beauty you possess.

I wish you both the best for your future & know from your other posting that your husband loves you an awful lot, so don't be too quick to give up on a relationship that can be worked through & ignore negative comments from others whom half the time don't even know what they're talking about.

Answer 2

I am truly sorry you are feeling so badly, I know how you feel I went through the same thing with my first husband. He would hide **** in the bathroom cabinet. There was a space between the wall and the cabinet and that is were he would put it. It discussed me and the more I thought about him looking at it and hiding it the worse I felt. As time went on I realized I was not in love with him any more and did not want to spend the rest of my life like this. We had two children and had been married in a loveless relationship for about 10 years it was time to let it go. Best decision I had ever made. Now I am married to a wonderful man who looks at me and loves me very much. Granted I have grown up to, and **** does not bother me any more. My husband will look at it occasionally and yes he looks at other women as well what guy doesn't but the difference is I know he loves me and he showes it every day. Maybe that is what the problem is not so much the **** and him looking it is that he lied and he is not showing you that he really loves you. Guys are always looking at **** and other women and if they say they don't they are lying. But if you are not in love with him then maybe it is time to move on. Life is so short that no one needs to be unhappy for the rest of their life. Just remember you know what you have right now and you know the problems but with someone new you will have to start all over again and just remember not always is the grass greener on the other side. You need to sit back weigh the pro's and the con's and see what the real root of the problem is. Ask yourself has he been unfaithful? Is **** the only thing he is lying about? Do you think he would be unfaithful? Do I really want to leave him over this? Am I sure I do not love him any more. When you can figure out what it is that you really want the answer will come to you and you will have no problem making a decision that will be best for you and your son. After all it is you and your son that you have to think of here. I hope what I have said helps, best of luck to you.

Answer 3

You have every right to give him a second chance, 15 years, children, love, ups and downs, absolutely you should give it a second chance. Do not feel guilty about that. As far as a man cheating, my father is a cheater, when my mother found out, she gave him a second chance, this was 18 years ago by the way when I was in high school. He did the same thing, cried, hugged us, started going to church and swore to never do it again. He cheated again, and again on his second wife, a few times and again with his girlfriend. I strongly believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. You know him better then anyone can assume on this site. If you strongly believe in your heart that he can change then honestly, you need to really see a counselor. This is the only way to get through this. My one advice is that I know when you forgive, it is impossible to forget but you cannot keep throwing it in his face. Once you forgive, you agree to move on, stimulate the relationship back, rebuild that foundation and move on. Your constantly thinking about it because you haven't spoke about it enough, all your questions are unanswered, that trust that took so long to build is broken. So now, you need to chose, either you are going to deal with it or not? I've been cheated on and at the end, I couldn't handle it. The stress of it all, the untrust. I left, but we didn't have fifteen years and children. Really take the time to think of everything and put yourself first and then the kids. What is going to make you happy, comfortable and whole again? If you aren't happy then the kids won't be happy. Trust is a hard thing to break, cheating is never good and hurts everyone. I'm certain that men cheat when they lack something. Find out why he cheated, why was it just a sex thing? I tell my husband all the time, staying married takes so much work and we need to try to make each other happy all the time. We fight, we argue but like you guys, we feel blessed to have each other. Hope this helps a little, communication and open conversation is key to moving on, that is why seeing a counselor would be of tremendous benefit for you both and the children as well. Good luck.

Answer 4

You need more help than we can give you here and you are going to need to make some decisions.

I don't know how much time he is/was spending doing this and having this stuff where your son can get to it is obviously not good at all. But some of what I'm reading makes me think you might need to lighten up a bit.

You are going to have to let go of the past. If what he did way back when bothers you that much, then go ahead and divorce him. But he can't change it, it's in the past.

You can't let yourself get crazy because he is looking at other women. Unless he is looking at them more than you, talking to them, or leaving with them, you are making an issue out of nothing. He is with you.

The same with looking at ****. Before I can throw him in the doghouse I have to ask a few questions. Is he spending so much time doing this he is not tending to other responsibilities? Is your own sex life suffering because of this? If you answered yes, I agree with you, this is a serious problem.But if not he is just doing what 1 billion other men on this Earth do, of course you do not want it around your son, but otherwise this should only hurt you if you agree to feel hurt.

And you are saying that counseling didn't "do the trick" and you don't love him any more. If you don't love him, then leave him. The purpose of counseling is to try to work things out between you, not magically make him act the way you want.

Answer 5

You are not alone in your feelings. My sister is a marriage therapist and tells me she deals with this issue daily. I would feel hurt and betrayed if my spouse was looking at **** also. Pornography is degrading to women and changes the way men think and act towards women. I think it's pretty sick that a mother would encourage a son to look at it. The fact that your husband has been hiding his mags and videos from you must tell you that there is a serious problem because he feels he must hide it. If both individuals in a marriage feel that it is ok to look at ****, then so be it. However, if one spouse is against it, the other spouse must do everything he can to reassure his wife that he only has eyes for her and that he wants his marriage to work no matter the cost, in other words he has the problem not you. He needs to understand his behavior must stop because it is hurting you! If your husband has a hard time listening to you and interupts saying you're too emotional about it and crazy, write him a letter and tell him how you feel. Let him know that this is effecting the love you feel he has for you and in turn effects the love you have for him. I don't think you are paranoid or that you need help to get over it. He needs to find someone who will help him see what his behavior is doing to you and that it could harm his son. How can you get through this? Consult a marriage/family therapist and set up an appointment. Give your husband an ultimatum and tell him he either helps you with this problem or you don't see how you'll be able to stay in the marriage. Then tell him you desperately need him to go with you to the appointment you set up so you can resolve your differences. Tell him you love him and tell him you want to do everything you can to save this marriage. If you are religious, set up an appointment with your pastor/preacher or whoever will help you and your marriage out. Best wishes.

Answer 6

You must realize that your husband has an addiction, just like any other addiction. The road to recovery is not easy and the people that love him will suffer while he is recovering. You will suffer, but the problem can be cured. Right now I believe he is in denial, because he is the one that should be in counseling, and later you both should participate in counseling. If you speak to any counselor and they don't see dealing with your husbands behavior as an addiction, then find another counselor. Your husband must come to the realization that this is an addiction that just does not simply go away. He has to learn how to manage the problem while on the road to recovery. While on the road to recovery he will need your help and especially your love to concur this addiction. Know this, that what he is suffering from is just as addicting as drug abuse. After years of images being burned into his brain he no longer has a lot of control. The images tend to rule his thoughts. He can love you and your marriage can be very successful, but he must first learn to fight and then rid himself of those demons that hinder the healthy marriage he craves. You should not blame his mother for what she did, although she was wrong and weak for how she raised her son. Don't you make the same mistake in abandoning him while in his darkest hour. You both took vows which said for better or for worse. I pray you hang in there and make the better become reality. Suggestion: seek Christian counseling

Answer 7

I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, but you have to weigh it all. On the one hand, you knew about it going into the marriage. On the other hand, he shouldn't be blaming you for the hang up. I will say a certain amount of **** is normal for men. What is NOT normal, is them hiding it and lying about it. THAT is what destroyed my marriage...that and the fact that it was not adults he was looking at. If you feel the love is not there anymore, then separate for awhile. See if that will make him realize what he could be losing. If he realizes that, then maybe joint counseling will help. Good luck.

Answer 8

I have seen this same issue several times. **** is an addiction for some males, and in your husband's case it was a created addiction. Like all addicts, he can not break the pattern. He goes back to it. The only way is for him to seek serious therapy from a sexual addiction counselor. If he will not do that, then you must decide if you can live with this behavior. Sadly, you have no other options: counseling or separation.

Answer 9

your husband , is not breaking any commitment to you , nor is he cheating on you , by his looking at pictures or videos...lust is in everymans heart , do not believe any man who says its not, when watched such people always turn out to be the biggest jerks...your husbands interests in porno, are a direct result of two things, his up bring ,and his relationship with you ... he has been either been taught that it is natural for a man to be interested in such things, and convinced him self , or purhaps he is unable in some way , maybe by fear of rejection, to approach you about his sexual fantisies...or maybe he , is more curious about sexual behaviors than you are or he thinks you are...or yes there more... maybe he just likes to watch or look at them....maybe hes looking for ways to please you .. if his hobby, is solitary, and he spends his time, communially only with you , then why do you feel so theatened that you would walk away from a relationship that other wise worked ? i can go on and on, but i think you,d think i,m taking his side against you, and i,m really not...couples need to work at at a marriage..and no one gets all they want or hoped for on either side, it doesn,t mean that its wrong, or not fixable to were both can be happy... try communicating, not lecturing, or yelling, or being vindictive, the same should aply to him, but remember that men and women do no think of sex in the same light, not even on the same planet...listen, if you talk , all this though and you still fell the same, then you never did love him, and if you need to tread easy to get him in the right frame of mind to speak openly, then do it, get to the truth of it, get an understanding of it, before you walk away from what was to be a life long commitment..
rev. k.m.gagne

Answer 10

I dont really understand why woman get so upset when their husbands watch **** or read ****. It is to me a normal male thing. If my husband wanted to watch **** it really wouldnt bother me very much. What would bother me is if he went out and had an affair or even picked up prostitutes instead. It is only reading material, and something that has been around since day dot. Try and work through it if you can. I am a married woman, and just dont think it is such a big deal. Worse things could happen. Good luck.