It is about my grandmother, who I never got to meet, but as seen through the eyes of a young child. There is a good bit of religion tied in with this poem (Talk of Heaven, mentions of Jesus, etc.,) but I don't think it will hinder the reader too much. I don't necessarily follow the beliefs mentioned in this poem (i.e., Being sad in Heaven), but I wanted this told with child-like simplicity. Please excuse any bad rhyming. This poem was hard to write because it hits so close to home. I don't really have a title, but.. yeah.
Hey Grandma, up in Heaven,
Are you proud of me?
Sometimes I have to wonder
Just what it is you see.
Do you see me when I'm good?
Do you see me when I'm bad?
I'll stop if you want, Grandma.
I could never make you sad.
I never met you, Grandma,
But do you know me just the same?
Do you know my favorite color?
Do you know my name?
Do you love my brother
More then you love me?
He is so very good
As everyone can see.
((Continued))
2006-12-08 20:20:08 · 12 answers · asked by isayssoccer 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
When I see your picture, Grandma,
it makes me want to cry.
Can you see me too,
From your mansion in the sky?
Do you talk to Jesus
Each and every day?
Please tell Him I'm sorry
If I ever go astray.
I know you love my grandpa,
And I know he loves you too.
Tell me, does he smile or cry
When he thinks of you.
Please say hi to my sister,
Mom says she's there with you.
Ask Jesus why He took her
Before we knew her true.
I don't know what to say, Grandma,
So I guess that means I'm through.
Please tell God I love Him,
And remeber, I love you too.
2006-12-08 20:23:45 · update #1
It's not often I say this about a rhyming poem.......I think it's great. I don't normally like that simplistic style of rhymn and rhythm but in this instance I think it works really well because you are aiming for a child's perspective. I mean it as a compliment when I say it reads like a child's poem. I don't think poems need to rhymn particularly but if you start with it you have to make it work. The fact that some of the rhymn may not be perfect justs adds to the charm for me. One word of warning, avoid making it too long. It's a common mistake, particularly in poetry which is so close to the heart. You obviously have so much emotion in there it will want to spill itself onto the paper, which is the point of poetry after all. Once you have done that, put it aside for a while then read it through again objectively and make sure everything in there is useful to the reader.
well done, it brought tears to my eyes
2006-12-08 20:32:55 · answer #1 · answered by gerrifriend 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Wow, that is deep. Awesome. Good for you to get your feelings across so very well. I actually have a poem published in an anthology series book. I am by no way an expert. You sound like such an honest meaningful person like I am. Its very sweet. You should be proud.
2006-12-09 18:41:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I write poetry, too. I think your poem is fine. I would perhaps format it a bit differently, however. Also check for spelling errors. Very important. I also think that poetry is subjective, just as viewing another's painting, for example; or watching a movie. What is good to one person, may not be another's point of view.
2006-12-09 03:30:28 · answer #3 · answered by kb 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is actually very charming. As one who's done more than a little editing in my life, I know what's good. May I give you some advice to make it better?
Your basic meter is Iambic-Septameter; and you have to be careful to be true to this form throughout the poem. Let's consider a re-write of the fist two lines in septameter form: (stresses added)...
"hey-GRAND-ma-UP-in-HEAven
DO-you-E-ver-THINK-of-ME?
Or later on in the first verse:
"DO-you-KNOW-my-FAV-orite-CO-lor
DO-you-E-ven-KNOW-my-NAME?
Do you see?
Excellent effort. Hope this helps. Cheers.
2006-12-08 20:45:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is absolutely beautiful. I do believe that you're very talented.
Wow... What can I say? It's a lovely lovely poem, it's charming.
Good luck!
:)
2006-12-08 23:20:30 · answer #5 · answered by Katy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
woah that is really good. im only 15 but love to write but that is really deep for what is meant to be a 'childs poem'. well done i see you've worked hard and i know whoevers up there would be proud of what you've done :)
2006-12-08 21:24:06 · answer #6 · answered by munchyblonde 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Man those Lyrics sound like what Jason Upton would write. His songs strike my heart just like what you just wrote
2006-12-09 03:03:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it really doenst matter if it dont rhyme cause peoms dont have to rhyme all the time, heck some poems dont even have any rhyme
but, i really liked your poem, it was really full of love, all in all it was great
2006-12-08 22:30:15 · answer #8 · answered by Odz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I, personally, like it. It kind of sounds like a song:)
2006-12-08 20:23:32 · answer #9 · answered by Swou 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's WONDERFUL!!!! I love it!! YOu are very talented!!! You should turn it into a song.
2006-12-09 01:41:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋