married ? please, read Is it OK if your wife goes out?

Question

Is it OK for my wife to go out with friends after work ? here is my problem, 3 out of the 4 she goes out with are single. When she went out a few weeks ago she said she would be home early...the other girls had to be at work at 7. I was concerned at 12....at 1:30 i was angry. She has a cell phone and never called to give me a time,When i called i was angry, we talked later and she said i cant stop her from having her life. She would pick going out with friends over me. This hurts, we have been togehter over 16 years.She had a child when she was 16, Been a mom for 18 years and she missed alot of her teen years fun. She is now 35 and im worried she wants to make up for lost time and as she says "live her life" i dont own her, she does not need to call me every 15 min . All i asked for was a time when she would be home. I feel that if they met up with some guys it could happen. am i being unfair. i feel she does not have a life...we have a life together am i wrong ?

Just wanted to add a few things. she does not go out every night. I am NOT insecure. All i wanted was a time that she would be home. She can go out ANYTIME she wants. That is not the issue. she can stay out late..no problem w/that. I want to know when she will be home. It can be 6:00 am i dont care, We go out 2 times a month and have a great time. Sometimes i will drop her off and come back and "pick her up" We always hold hands when we walk. I love you is said 20 times a day by both of us. The only problem is that she did not give me a time she would be home. Do i wait til 5:00 am before i worry and call her ?. All i wanted was a "Be home at??? time" We have a great relationship, we are best friends. Together 16 years and still IN love w/each other. We went out last night and had a great time. came home and had an even greater time ;-) asking for a 5 second call to say i will be home at....is all i wanted thats not asking too much.

Answer 1

I feel where you are coming from and I would be upset as well. How long would it take to make a phone call?

It seems to me that she is not showing you the same respect that she would expect you to show her. If I had a beer or two with the guys after work, I would call. I would likely invite my wife to join us. She would do the same.

It seems like she is walking the grey area of where to draw the line of respect.

This is exactly why there are so many divorces in today's world. Yes, she could cheat. Can you stop her? NO. Can you explain your feelings in a calm way when neither of you are upset about it? Probably.

I think that if you calmly talk to her and explain how you feel and why you feel that way, she will empathize with your point of view.

Merry Christmas.

Answer 2

I'm 40 and was married for 10 years to a girl who wanted to have her own life! That does equate to I will do what I want and sod you!
I know this may sound harsh but you could waste another 5 years of your life so here goes!
It's a matter of respect, if she don't respect you then you don't have relationship ~ your not being unfair she is! Dump her and move on while your still young enough to enjoy life ~ it's too short to spend sat at home worrying til all hours! You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and what would you have done?
Think 'Dead poets society' my friend and seize the day cos there are plenty more fish in the sea!

Answer 3

TRUST! u have to trust her , if u don,t u r treading thin water . Alot of people don,t relise what all is givin of a mother that has worked hard at her family and givin so much of herself ! If she is goin out all the time then yes thats a prob , but if she just wants to have a few drinks with some friends and get "silly" whats the prob? Shes bein honest with you and still u want more? i think u should let her explore her own life and this will make the two of u stonger , she will respect u even more just knowing that u trust her! if u give her limitations like a child she will rebel ! She obviously knows her responsiblities and has show u that 4 how long now ?! give her a break and sometimes u have to give to get remember! Don,t be so insucure , women don,t like that!

Answer 4

Sorry you are going through this. You are in a place I have been before. Prepare yourself. It won't be pretty. She will be nice to you just before you are served with divorce papers. She will try to take you for everything you have. Ive seen it happen time and time again with friends and family members. Document everything and first thing in the morning call a lawyer and see what he advises. Stash you some cash, you may need it. Im sure she is having fun, she deserves to have fun. But to tell you that you can't stop her is very confontational, defensive. She is up to something. May not have happened yet but it will. If you want to keep what you have worked for your entire life get that lawyer and listen to every word he tells you. I have sat and waited on the phone call that never came. I have sat up on work nights til 2am waiting for her to get home. When the end came it wasnt pretty. I wish I knew then what I know now. I know you love her and this will be the most difficult thing you go through in life. Do you not deserve someone who will want to come home to you or at least call and say, hey Im having fun and will be home in a little while. What will hurt the most is realizing that you mean nothing to her.

Edit: I will caution you that talking to her about this will only tip her off to your possible intentions or force her hand. Cover your bases first, talk to a lawyer and do exactly what he says to do. Im not saying file for divorce but be prepared. Let the lawyer tell you what you can do to protect yourself. In the mean time she is right you cant make her stay home dont even try. Let her go do what she wants to do. My lawyers always said if you give someone enough rope they will eventually hang themself with it. Ive seen that happen to. You can lull them into a false sense of security thinking you are unaware of what is going on and they will make a mistake, become careless. Im so sorry you are having to go through this. I know what it is like to love someone so much and have this happen.

Answer 5

there is a lot of great answers here you'll really need to look and think about all these answers. My advice is having been married and in another long term relationship with out the marriage, I dont hink your wife wants to be married anymore because theres going out with your friends for drinks or dinner but you still go home at a reasonable hour unless your looking for something (someone) else.
Theres having the escape and being with grown ups her age and then theres curiousity and looking for trouble. As long as your letting her have this time out with friends and shes not deffensive about every question then you have then theres nothing to worry about. As long as you both are respectful just remind her that she might not like it if you acted the way she was.

Answer 6

I think your right to be angry and it does sound like she is making up for lost tI'mes, I was a mom for 20 years and never thought about hanging out all night with my friends, if your in a true and happy relationship it seems to me that you would want to spend time with the one you love, but then again im divorced now because my hubby needed more then a mom and a wife that did everything for him so I might not be the one to take advise from, true love shouldn't hurt.

Answer 7

I've been married for 10 years. I do think it's good that she goes out and has a girl's night. But it is troubling to hear that she is so defensive. She sounds like she's in a phase of her life where she is feeling the freedom she didn't have in her late teens and 20s due to raising her child. This happened to a close friend of my husband and they divorced because she never "calmed down." In their case, she forgot she was married and in her 30s. She was having so much fun and her marriage fell apart.

Answer 8

yes you are wrong to a point - you each have a life and you have a life together you both are entitled to having a life outside of each other. however as for her not calling to let you know she is ok that's totally disrespectful because with the world how it is today she should have clld to say all was well and then again when she was on her way home so you wouldn't worry. She may be trying to have her childhood again and you are not helping her any by being upset and angry. realize this is just a phase and that you have got to trust her to make sound decisions as a married woman, i wish you both the best of luck

Answer 9

This is such a hard thing for couples to go through. Yes, couples need to be able to go out with their friends and have fun. BUT, they have to remember they are married and have responsibilities their singles friends don't.

Your wife is entitled to have her life, but she's got to realize that you are suppose to be the most important part of that life. Respect you enough to tell you a time when to expect her home, and she should be there. It doesn't hurt to give a call and say hey' honey we are running late-it's gonna be another hour or so.
Respect your feelings that you are sitting home alone-worried something may have happened. Not so much as they are having an affair or up to no good, but an accident or they got in so sort of trouble.

Yes, it does hurt. Please sit down and talk with her, before this goes on to the point that she's out all the time and just takes it for granted that she can come and go as she pleases. Tell her that she can go out with the girls, but that you would like for her to tell you where she's going and what time to expect her back. I don't think that's asking to much. Ask her to do this, because it hurts you that she doesn't consider your feelings. That you love her and of course you worry about her.

She's entitled to her fun, but she can have some fun without hurting you. I hope that she's not trying to make up for lost time, because this maybe the start of something other a night out here and there. So, get your dancing shoes on buddy, and start taking her out yourself. Go to the movies, go to dinner, go dancing. Take her shopping, do stuff with her. In other words, court her, date her...romance her. 16 years is a long time, but some spark back into the marriage.

I know you are scared, and hurt. Please please talk to her. Ask her for a date tonight. Just the two of you. It doesn't have to be fancy, a nice meal out, a walk in the park to see the Christmas lights. I pray that she will recognize the pain she caused that it won't happen again, I know you are hurting. Try the date tonight. Make contact with her, hold hands, sneak a kiss or two. Make out like you did 16 years ago. Remember....

God bless us all...........

Answer 10

I know exactly where she is coming from, I have felt like that but i would never say i love going out with my friend's more than my husband. I do understand when she wants to go out and have fun, I can't wait till I start going out again. You obviously Love her alot so you are going to have to talk to her openly.I just read your last bit and you better tell her that communication is very important in a relationship and honesty and if she ever did anything behind your back you would want to know ( I am a girl but if a partner did that to me I would want to know straight away...) Good Luck :)