How do you get a 13-year-old to do as you ask?

Question

For several years we have been trying unsuccessfully to get our middle daughter to do the things we ask. The most common things are that she leaves all clothes (both clean and dirty) all over her bedroom floor along with sweet wrappers, pens, pencils, jewellery, homework, books, ipod, phone, drinks etc etc and all her drawers and cupboard doors are left open. The other thing is that she refuses to go to bed when we ask. She is only 13 and very rarely goes to be before 11.00 and a row! Our arguments get very heated and I've said I'm thinking about leaving home because of it (I wouldn't as I have two other children as well, aged 15 and 10 who are no problem at all). What can I do???!!!

Answer 1

The kindest thing I can tell you is that it's a good thing teenagers don't remain teenagers for very long. I had a tough time with my 13 year old girl getting her chores done too. I ended up making a daily schedule for the whole family. If you didn't do your chores, you got NO privileges, including TV, music, sleep-overs, special trips, NOTHING! And I stuck by it, amid all the yelling, tantrums and angry silences (they sure know how to push THAT button). After about a week, she realized I wasn't changing the schedule just because of her, so she ended up doing her chores, finding out that things went her way when she went my way first. You have to find out her currency (what she values most) and live up to your threats. If she's not in bed by bedtime, take the light bulb out of her light and remove any flashlights and other light-emitting technology. Tell her she can have them back the next night, but only if she's in bed by bedtime. You see, your daughter is challenging your right to be her boss. You have to take her challenge and show her that you really are the final authority in her life. Make your rules stick. And stand by your promises. If you tell her "I'll beat you to death if you don't pick up your clothes", then be ready to do so! Much better, say "I'll take your privileges away if you don't pick up your clothes". Then, if she doesn't do so, she knows what will happen, because you'll do what you promised. My daughter used to pretend it didn't bother her. So, I had to pretend her apathy didn't bother me. She was always trying to push my buttons, especially where the dishes were concerned. Now, she has her own apartment, and a clean sink (they DO grow up, though it seems like forever!). You just have to decide that you're gonna stand firm in whatever path you choose with her. She'll fight you, no matter what, so just make your plan, then stick with it, letting the chips fly (and they will!). You're the MOM, and she needs to know it in every way. You're not her best friend...yet. That will come, in time. My daughter calls me at least once, and up to three times a week, just to chat. She used to be daddy's girl, 'cause she could wrap him around her finger. Now, she calls Mom, 'cause Mom knows how it's supposed to go. YOU have to show her your way...or the highway. <*)))><

Answer 2

For one, you shouldn't have given her an iPod. Rewarding her for such sloppy behavior isn't that smart. Get her a trash can or something... tell her to just throw trash in there! If she wants to eat, fine, but she better pick up after herself. Otherwise, no snacks. You don't want a bug infestation. Depriving her of her chips and soda is fine... they're bad for her, anyway. As far as the bedtime goes, you can't really dictate that. She falls asleep when she wants to as does everyone else. I have a friend who only gets about 2-3 hours of sleep because of school and AP classes. I mean, your daughter's sleeping habits are still better than any high school student's I know.

Answer 3

This should answer your question about her sleeping habits -

Once kids reach puberty, their wake-sleep cycle changes and stays that way until their early 20s This is a biological change.

They tend not to get sleepy until after 10:00 p.m., and then when they do wake up, it takes them longer to get fully wake. In fact, most aren't really wide awake until early afternoon.

For more information look it up on google.

As for having an untidy room, in our house if you don't hover and tidy your room every week then you DON'T get your pocket money. Just lay down the rules.

Try not to shout at her as this will just cause her to get defencive and yell back. Just sit down with her and tell her untidy room equals NO treats.

Good Luck, Remember that it can sometimes be hard being a teen!!
~Katie~

Answer 4

Teens are very rebellious at this age, and fighting battles over certain chores can often be more trouble than they're worth. Also, studies have shown that teenage minds are often most active at night, so it can be hard to get them to bed early as well. I'm not saying don't enforce any rules, I'm just saying focus on important things like making sure they treat other people with respect, attend school, stuff like that. Maybe see if you can get her to engage in quiet activities like reading once it gets late.

Also, if you can, avoid setting up a rewards/punishment system that overshadows the reasons you want her to do things. Teach your kid to hold the values you hold because she thinks it's a good way to be, not simply because of the repercussions involved. Pick your battles. Be firm but loving. I don't know. Good luck.

Answer 5

Realize it sounds like you have a typical teenager. My son just reminded me that bribery can work, but I feel that you should take things away. Ipod's on the floor, take it away. phone's on the floor, she looses it for two weeks. Clothes continue to be on the floor, have her start doing her own laundry and refuse to buy her any new clothes until she can care for the ones she has.

Good luck, I am already there with my kids ages 8 and 11.

Answer 6

sometimes the middle kids can just be that way they feel like they are not getting the attention that thay want and negitive is better than none.as far as saying your leaving over it DON"T let her win she is just pushing your buttons she just 13 she doesn't know what needs she just thinks she does.as far as her room goes tell her that its time for her to take responibility for her things and until she cleans her room and stops leaving trash laying around there will be nothing new! Take some of her things away it wont kill her to go with out her ipod or phone for a week or two.tell her that she has one week to get it cleaned up or YOU will go in there and throw everything away.Now here is the hard part stick with it let her know that the yelling is over and that you are the parent and she is going to have to live with some new rules or with out her things.yes she will tell you that she hates you and she will yell and throw a fit.But here is the key as she is screaming stay calm when she says its not fair tell her that she is right it's not fair to everyone else in the house to have to do her part as she is yelling "I HATE YOU" tell her that you are sorry to hear that and that you LOVE her, what ever you do DON'T feed the fire the madder she gets the calmer you stay.Its not going to be easy at all you are going to want fly off the wall but just remember thats what she wants you to do. I know this sounds crazy but it works it wont work over night and when you are so ready to pull out your last hair she will slowly start to come around to your way of thinking! (P.S. if you dont want to trash her things hide them for later.when she proves that she can take care of her thing slowly start giving them back.)I didn't mean to get all Dr. Phil on you but it helped me I hope it will help you. one more thing MOM AND DAD YOU HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER ON THIS!!! one can't make it work without the other;)

Answer 7

wow. sounds a lot like me. i am thirteen as well. i know how my parents feel. i have tacken my door of the hinges a few times do to the slamming. but i have started to change. my parents started a reward system. i needed christmas money so they said every week that you keep your room cleen, go to bed on time, and not have a fight u get then dollers. if you dont you get 5 dollers tacken away from the previous week. i know it sounds like a bribe but i think it actually worked. and tell her how you feel. make sure you r rational about it. this is a hard time in her life. i know exactally how she feels. she probably thinks that you dont remember how it is to be thirteen. just try it. i hope it works. and if all else fails pray. thats what my parents said. oh and dotn say you r gonna leave. that just will egg her on. it will work. trust me!!! :)

Answer 8

Sandylynn has got it nailed. Do as she suggests and love yourself a little more;you will solve the problem.
It doesn't work overnight.You need the support of every other adult who comes into your house.Once the chaos sorts itself out you and your daughter will have the time and respect for each other to learn that life can be worth living again!
I work with emotionally disturbed and learning disabled students and I can assure you that if you stick it out it does work.
Just don't falter and after even one week you will see a difference.

Answer 9

You sound tipically as a parent who has just found that he is having a teenager at home.Relax!It's not that bad.I recommend you try positive discipline.There is a book about it and will really help you even with the other two children.The book is "Positive Discipline for Teenagers" by Jane Nelson.If you need more info,you may see this - http://www.positivediscipline.com/

Answer 10

watch the programs such as supernanny etc, they could give some ideas, also take away things from her ie pocket money if she doesn't do as asked, - don't get so cross as this means she is getting you just where she wants, stop the treats etc until she behaves- don't go on to her about bedtimes because if you leave her she will eventually get v tired and learn by her mistakes, if she wants to make herself v tired and miserable let her for a while and see how she likes it without attension.

gd lk!!!