she doesnt have poor self esteem...she has no self esteem. no matter what i say or do she thinks she is the lowest being on earth. ive told her how great of a person she is and how beautiful she is on a regular basis, trying to help her out, but it actually seems that its had a negative effect. she starts actually getting defensive, and tells me to stop lying and such when i tell her those things. she thinks im just being nice to her, but in reality i am a brutally honest person. i give her personal space, so i dont know every little detail about everything in her life. ive told her multiple times she can tell me anything about any problem, but she still thinks im just trying to spare her feelings. how can i help her build up her self esteem?
2006-12-08 15:38:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
she thinks she is fat. however, she weights 120 and in 5' 4". but most of the fat on her body is in her belly, so it comes out just a little bit. so she thinks im lying when i say shes beautiful.
2006-12-08 15:45:19 · update #1
i am not a critical person. as brutally honest as i am, i keep my opinions to myself. but ive told her that she looks great and is perfect.
2006-12-08 15:48:56 · update #2
I would say that she feels neglected. Do you ignore her? Watch T.V. or play video games while she is trying to carry on a conversation? Does she ever claim you don't pay attention to anything she says or does?
She was probably the victim of emotional, sexual, or physical abuse. More than likely, it was emotional abuse more than anything.
She may feel that you are insincere because she don't trust men.
She may have had dreams or goals that she failed to achieve.
If ANY of the above is true...If you will take my advice, it will help you a LOT.
TOO much flattery, too many compliments (after a person has endured emotional abuse or other self esteem related issues) will NOT increase self esteem. Actually, it will cause her to have more doubts. AND if you give her too much praise, she will tend to think you are a poor source of support...and you will grow further apart. Be careful with this...do not abuse flatterty, do not compliment when it is not necessary.
She needs to build healthy relationships. You need to have mutual friends, that you can all hang out with on "date" night. It is important for couples to have other couples as friends. AND do things as couples. Don't get together with a couple and the guys go one way and the girls the other. Stick with your girl. What does this do? It builds her confidence in you. If you are around other women and friends in her presence and all your attention remains on her...she feels special. On those dates, make it a point to hold her hand, sit with her, smile at her, squeeze her hand, etc.
Keep the lines of communication open and CLEAR. If she wants to have a discussion with you about something important (important to her) stop what you are doing and face her. Look her in the eyes, and be attentive. The same goes for you. If something is bothering you (ie:self esteem issue), set her down, look her in the eyes and say, "I love you but this self esteem thing is a problem. We need to work on it. What do you feel that we need to do to make this less of a problem in our relationship?"
NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO: (This will work when nothing else does)
Respond to her with appreciation NOT praise. If she makes dinner, don't say: "This is the BEST meal I have ever had". Instead say, "Thank you so much for taking the time to make this for us."
If she gets a new hair-do, don't say "That is great, it makes you look beautiful!" (This implies she wasn't as beautiful before)
say: "I am so glad that I have a woman with class." (This is a compliment and appreciation rolled into one)
If she looks good in a dress: "I can't wait to show you off." or "Oh, I like that!"
as opposed to: "You look nice."
I guess what I am saying is compliment her so that it sounds like YOU are the one benefiting from what ever it is she's done. It makes her feel appreciated, and not like a charity case.
If she insists that you are lying, ignore it. Just smile and repeat your appreciation again, kiss her and walk off....don't get into the "no you don't" debates. ONLY repeat your appreciation phrase once and only if she disputes the first one.
It will take a few times for her to adjust to your new way of complimenting her...but it will help her esteem and it will cause the "No you don't/ You're just saying that" debates to decrease in number.
lastly:
Find out something that interests her, and help her make a goal, and help her meet that goal.
For example, if she loves art. Enroll in an art class together, and encourage her to paint a landscape...when she is done, have it framed and hang it on your wall.
Always ALWAYS treat her respectfully. Don't overdo sarcasm, or don't poke fun at her for stupid things she has done. You may think she enjoys the attention...but I promise, she don't.
Good luck. If you have more questions you can email me.
2006-12-08 16:47:49 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 11⤊ 0⤋
You can't. You just need to decide if you can live with this, since she doesn't seem interested in getting help.
120 at 5'4" is fairly thin. Have you ever mentioned her belly? Are you sure you're not a critical person? If so, she could just be using you to reinforce her self esteem issues.
2006-12-08 15:45:50 · answer #2 · answered by Kacky 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'll just say I'm like your gf. I have major self esteem issues. and when I say that I am extremely fat my bf gets upset with me and tells me that I beautiful and that i have a nice body, but no matter what he says I don't believe it. What I have found to be helpful is if you gf thinks shes fat (I'm not saying she's overweight cause i dont know if she is or not, and I'm sure shes not) but she should start eating healthy and exercising to get to a weight she would be happy at. I started to eat healthy and smaller meals because I didn't have a lot of time to eat a lot since school started and I stopped counting calories and complaining around my bf.
2006-12-08 15:56:40 · answer #3 · answered by Skyla 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think losing weight may help her feel better. I am 5'3 1/2 and I am 125. I was 115 and still wanted to be thinner but at least I felt a bit better then. I totally hate myself now. Ten lbs could make all the difference.
Perhaps you can exercise together and that will help her feel better mentally in addition to losing some weight.
2006-12-08 15:55:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look up some books on behavorial psych. You're giving her positive reinforcement, paying attention to her, when she talks like this. She's saying "No, no, I don't believe you" so you keep telling her more. Why don't you stop playing this game? Just stop. Know that you can't compliment her, and just talk about other things. If she says, "I'm so fat" just say, "I'm sorry to hear you say that" or "we agree to disagree" and change the subject. Stop talking about her all the time, stop trying to convince her. Build her self esteem by asking her advice (perhaps on how you should dress or decorate), by asking her opinion on world events, and by talking about other subjects besides her.
2006-12-08 20:04:00 · answer #5 · answered by Katherine W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My wife had similar issues, but is now starting to feel better about herself after our first child (she gained 11kgs - which isn't much but she couldn't and still hasn't been able to loose it). I was honest with her and told her that she gained weight and that she still looked sensational, and after time she realised that she was being very silly but it took me over 2 months till she realised this. It was hard living with her. If you love her be patient but be honest and tell her that you need to know what triggered this feeling off and that you'd understand (unless if she cheated on you then I would hope that you would dump her). Good luck.
2006-12-08 15:43:41 · answer #6 · answered by Roovs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound nice trying to help her out. I suggest trying to find out why she's acting like that. If that's the way she is, then you should just let her be like that. But I dont really get it when she thinks you're lying about saying she's beautiful. If you try to find help, maybe she thinks you think she's weird or something. Try to find out how she feels about it if you try to get help without letting her know.
2006-12-08 15:42:53 · answer #7 · answered by =\ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell her maybe she needs to seek counseling and talk about things that have happened in her life and figure out why she thinks this way. In a nice card- would be good....maybe with some flowers waiting just in case she flips on you. It really does sound like she needs to seek help though.
2006-12-08 15:42:16 · answer #8 · answered by answers4questions 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs counseling. Just suggest it; but if she doesn't want it then I suggest you leave her alone for a while. Go with her if you can.
2006-12-08 17:18:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to the club.
2006-12-08 20:47:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋