Why does everyone act like it doesn't matter? How can I get them to tell me it's OK?

Question

I am 22 years old and all I want to do is be a mom. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married 2 years ago but no luck. Everyone keeps telling me , "oh, you so young you have so much time." or "It will happen eventually" I'm so sick of people patronizing me! How can I get someone to just tell that it's OK to want it this bad, how can I get them to tell me it's OK for me to want to be a mother and stop telling me that it doesn't matter that the ONE thing I want to do with my life, be a mother, I can't do.

Answer 1

It is ok to want this that bad, but you are not going to change those around you. Maybe none of them went through this. Its normal for people to want to console you and tell you not to worry.

What have you tried? Charting? Gone to a dr yet?

Personally I was TTC for well over a year, charting and all and I couldn't get pregnant. After seeing a fertility specialist I found out that I would most likely never have kids. So I sort of gave up. My heart crushed beyond all words, and I ended that relationship. in 03 and in 04 I met the man who is now my husband and I told him in the begining that I made not ever be able to have kids and he was ok with that. Every time my friends got pregnant or co-workers ended up pregnant I cried, crushed even more. When I finally accepted this and started planning my future, I planned it without kids. I got married April 05 and in May 05 I got pregnant. I COULDN"T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy. No one in my family had ever had trouble until me. They all look at a guy and end up knocked up! No one understood what I was going through, the depression, the anger. Think it just wasnt my time. Now, I am going through it again. Not able to get pregnant.

If you wanna chat email me. [e-mail]

Answer 2

Oh Boy do I hear you....First and foremost I want to tell you that I am totally on your side, and I hope you conceive soon, as I know fully well how hard it can be for some people, myself included, it took me three years to conceive my first, and it was very frustrating, I was twenty-six years old and all I ever wanted in life was also to be a mom. Today he is 20 years old and I can't tell you how hard it came about, he actually was a miracle baby, since I had endometriosis, and my chances of conceiving were minimal, with each year increasing the possibility of not conceiving. But it happened, so stay with it and whatever you do, just listen to your heart and with God's Grace you will be the mom you so wish to be. Good Luck to you and your husband and may God Bless you both for wanting to start a family, which is the most beautiful experience in the world. My thoughts are with you.

Answer 3

This is what I would do. When they start in ask them if they have children and when they say yes, say ok that is your decision, this is my decision, did you ask my permission to have kids, ok I didn't think so. Now please leave the decision to have a child to my husband and I. Then stop discussing anything with them anymore. As for as the one that said that you must be young since you had been trying and hadn't went to a doctor and that you must be young and immature, has she not ever heard of that you might not exactly have that kind of money? It is a very expensive and hard road to follow for infertility. I think that you are doing a smart and mature thing by seeing if you can on your own. I would go and get me some books and read up on some information and then if I didn't get pregnant soon I would go to a doctor. Best of luck to you, and I do not care how young or old you are, it does not have anything to do with age it has to do with your maturity level. I know of several women that is in their 40's and are so inmature that they should never ever have kids.

Answer 4

You have a right to make up your own mind. Ignore the patronizing, if you think something is wrong then go and see your doctor. You are old enough to get married and you are an adult. I am 26 and have three children and i don't feel like i have missed out on anything, in fact quite the opposite. Good luck and do what you feel is right. I'm sure you will make a wonderful mother.

Answer 5

I totally understand your pain. It took me & my hubby 7 years to have a baby. I had 2 miscarriages before we were blessed with our daughter. The desire to have a child can be actually physically painful. Sometimes though along with that strong desire we can put too much pressure on ourselves and that brings so much stress that it makes it even tougher to conceive. Have you sought medical help to determine there isn't a physical road block? If you haven't and you have been seriously trying for 2 years you both need to be examined. It could be something very simple so don't worry about that until you see a Dr. Also you can be a mom without the child being biologically yours. I know several couples that have had difficulty conceiving, they adopted a child and that helped them relax enough that guess what - they got pregnant! If that is something you don't want to consider and there ends up being nothing wrong according to a doctor, try to do things that solidify your marriage and allow you to get closer both physically and emotionally. Your desire for a baby can be so great and create such frustration that it could damage your marriage if you don't keep focus on that relationship. I can't gaurentee these things will get you pregnant, but when you do get pregnant you and your husband will be in a great place with your relationship to be totally awesome parents. So chin up & YES it is OK to want it so bad!!!!

Answer 6

You do whatever you feel is right, and if that means having a baby, go for it! You are MOST fertile in your 20's to be honest, so by all means, keep trying if this is what you want. If you do end up pregnant, after you have the baby, they won't say anything. They'll just adore the baby. If you feel you still can't get pregnant, seek doctor's help to see if there are any problems going on with you or your husband.

Goodluck! Don't let others get to you- I wasn't married when I became pregnant- we married after his birth, but out of love, not because of our baby... it was when the time was right.... and many ppl thought it was wrong I had a baby before marriage. They got over it, and if not, oh well... I can't stand ppl who think they are better than others-especially when it's your own family members- ones who have been through divorce themselves. Oh well is what I say to it. You can't let it bother you. Focus on being happy and healthy :)

Answer 7

I think they are only trying to help calm you down about the problems you are having. I'm sure they want you to have a baby and they want you to be happy but they understand that you stressing out about it wont help the situation any. I don't believe they don't want you having a child or that they don't care that you haven't been able to conceive.

They are right though, you are still young and maybe your body isn't ready for a child. Maybe it's your body's way of protecting you and a baby from having complications during your pregnancy. Everyone's body matures differently.

If you're really concerned about it then go see a doctor. That way you could have some reassurance. Also, if you found out nothing is wrong then you wont stress about it so much and that could increase your chances of conceiving.

Answer 8

I am about your age and that's what I want, too.

I have stopped talking to family and friends about this desire. You know what? They'll be happy when it happens, I know. But right now, for whatever reason, they don't want to hear about it. And since I've stopped discussing it, I don't have to hear their comments anymore.

I also understand the need for reassurance. Of course it's okay to want to be a mom ... lots of women do. Sometimes people are bothered by the idea that a young woman wants to be ONLY a mom and nothing else. But those same people aren't bothered when a woman wants ONLY to be a doctor ... they don't criticize her for not wanting kids. Occasionally she will hear that but not often.

To get that reassurance, join some online message boards or something. I LOVE the ones on www.justmommies.com. There is a section just for 20somethings trying to conceive and they will ALL understand your feelings. Check it out.

And really, if you've been tracking your fertility and haven't conceived yet, it's time to see a doctor. I finally saw mine and he wants to run some tests but isn't worried yet since I haven't been charting temperatures or anything that whole time. I've only been doing that six months.

So I'm with you. If you want to talk personally you can email me, or you can read the discussions on justmommies.com like I do.

; )

Answer 9

Well you are young, but i know whats itslike to be a mom i am a mom of 3 and i started when i was young had my first when i was 21, I dont regret having her but i do regret not taken time for myself and doing things I wanted to do like travel, buy $$ things sleep all day, eat dinner at midnight once you have a baby all those things have to change its schedual everything,DOnt rush life let things just happen its true if you try to hard for a baby your body is under stress it wont happy cuz i bet you that while your having sex your thinking i wonder if this will be the time i wonder if im gonna be pregnate.. not a healthy thing for a 22 yr old to be thinking while having sex. Enjoy life just enjoy sex let things happen if God wanted you to have a baby Youd have one you cant rush perfection and thats what a baby is.. SO relax and enjoy things as they are handed to you!

Answer 10

I'll be having the first anniversary of my 29th birthday soon (i'm NOT turning 30!), and I still have people tell me I'm sooo young and have plenty of time. It's very frustrating to hear it, and it seems like no one understands. I firmly believe these people think they are "helping" by saying these things.

You have to tell them that you are going through a tough time and you need their support. Tell them it is NOT okay to try to comfort you in that way. You have a desire, and if they truly care, they will support you the way you need to be supported.

In 4 years of ttc, I've heard it all. It used to bother me much more, but now, I try to laugh it off. I focus on finding information, taking the next step, making sure I'm ready when that blessed day comes. Keeping it off of your mind, seriously, is not going to happen. But focusing on other parts of it helps to keep a positive attitude. Silly things like planning how you will decorate the baby's room, or picking out names.

At your age, 2 years is time enough to consult a doctor. If your doctor doesn't take you seriously, keep searching for one that does.

*** baby dust ***