What do you think of these poems? im the new prez of my schools WRITERS ROUND TABLE...?

Question

the old president is moving i need to write a couple of poems and these are the ones i have written so far Please give me your honest opionion on it.
You
When I see you my knees get weak
I don’t remember how to talk
I don’t remember how to walk
My words get mumbled
My brain gets jumbled
All I could do
Is look up and stare at you

Here is another one
How could I lose you’re baby Blue eyes
How did I lose your baby blue eyes
And the smile that lit up my sky
What did I say that sent you away
Can somebody tell me why
Sometimes we move away from the flow
And find ourselves lost and alone
What turn did I miss after some kiss
That told you what I should have known
How did you get so far from my heart
Without my becoming aware
What did you see deep inside me
That I never knew was there
We drive in the darkness down strange, empty roads
Into sudden and unforeseen pain
we think that we choose but after we lose
We see that we've done it again.

Answer 1

They are very good, especially the second one.

My advice is to now try some different themes and use imagery to put across your across your meaning.
You was beginning to do this with the line about driving down strange empty roads.
Do more of this.
Don't concentrate so much on rhyming, but think of the meaning you are trying to get across.

Answer 2

Yowee thank you, completely happy ya despatched me the hyperlink and I din't see it earlier than however I'm answerin now and that is fan-dang-tastic Cheese. Ya dun a goodun right here. I so experience portions like this because the household contributes. Yikes I practically forgot yer tacky reward. Um I suppose it can be cheese besides. It's all inexperienced and fuzzy behind my refrige, so it's kinda reward wrapped already, all ya gotta do is scrape it off to particularly understand what is within.

Answer 3

I think they sound like lyrics to songs, especially the second one. That could be a hidden talent of yours. You might want to fill out the first one with more imagery. Use all five senses - sight, sound, taste, smell, touch. Good start.

Answer 4

Those are pretty good. They have a good flow to them. Almost like lyrics to a song. Hey, maybe you could write a song.

Answer 5

I like them they are good. You are a good writer.

Answer 6

omgosh! I love them!