Dr.Phil.com?

Question

I have a son in jail facing Spousal abuse for the second time. He is 43 yrs.old. He says he is innocent THIS time. His father was an acohlolic and died in 2004. Last 15 yrs. of his life he was sober and our marriage stayed intact. I keep getting letters from him that makes me feel like I am and was a bad mother. I want to help him but, I don't know how except that my heart tells me to ignore his letters and not contact him. He wants me to come and see him but, I just can't do it. What is your advice? I have three grown daughters and they are doing fine. I think he needs some emotional help but, I can't afford it and he thinks he has no problem. He was married twice before and abused both of them. He has been married for 15 yrs. to this wife and she also filed for divorce. Any help that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Answer 1

I am so sorry sounds like you have had a hard life but if your son has abused 2 different spouses its no ones fault but his he should have seeked counciling let him deal with this one I think he is on his own remember also if he doesn't think he needs professional help then it wouldn't help if you could afford it I know you love him but tough love is the best you can still write and go and see him just don't let him force you into saying that he has done nothing wrong if you know he has.

Answer 2

Oh that's so sad!
I don't know what kind of mother you were; I'm sure you did the best you could. I believe that sometimes when things like this happen and people get in trouble with the law that once they have time to reflect (and he has a lot of it, doesn't he?) they spend a lot of time thinking about who can be blamed for getting them where they are. Maybe in time he will move away from that and realize that his bad choices helped get him there. Parenting and your home life are great influences on how you will be as an adult. But there's no way of knowing if he would have been any different if you had done something different. Maybe he means that you should have gotten out of the marriage and gotten him into a better environment. Well, he could be right, but he has a chance now to see what you went through and understand. He can either take that chance or play the blame game. I think you probably should tell him that and tell him that he needs help and you think he should talk to someone.

Then let him be. If he's willing to see your side and make some changes he'll come to you. Best of luck to you

Answer 3

I'm sorry for you trouble. Please know that you cannot fix a "grown" man. He needs to accept the consequences for his actions. There comes a time that the children have to stop blaming the parents. He's old enough to know better. I do believe that you should visit him, he is still your son. But I wouldn't allow him to blame you. He's already been through this a few times. He should have received help the first time. Have you asked your daughters what they think. Also, if your son was ill and in the hospital, would you visit him?? Same thing! But stay strong! Very big piece of advice - If he blames you, he obviously has some memories that are troubling. Just apologize, even if you don't believe that you are wrong. Just to validate his feelings, so he can move on and possibly get help. Sometimes, all we need is someone to hear us and validate our feelings. Try it, it may work. good luck!!

Answer 4

I'm sorry I don't really have advice for you but I'd like to tell you my opinion is to stay far away if that is what's in your heart. If your life is peaceful and happy now why risk putting that kind of drama into your life unecessarily. I don't want to bad mouth someone I've never met and know nothing about but if he thinks he has no problem and that what he does isn't wrong then jail is the right place for him ! Anyone who thinks spousal abuse is ok will probably NEVER be mentally healthy. If you feel that you were a bad mother or blame yourself for his actions then help yourself to feel better before him. Sorry if I've offended you or anyone else reading...just my opinion.

Answer 5

Your son is in jail, and is being forced to experience the consequences of his actions. Whether he chooses to change his future behavior based on these consequences is up to him, and him only. It seems like he is still looking for someone to blame rather than accepting his role in the situation. This is about him, and not about you.

Like it or not, parental responsibilities don't end...ever. You will always be the mom, and he will always be the son. You can support him without allowing him to drag you into the past. If he wants to talk, try to commit yourself to listening - let him get it off his chest. Encourage good choices, and don't allow him to make you feel bad for the poor choices he's already made. Change is possible, if he wants it; you can't do it for him, no matter how hard you want to.

If you can't go visit him, then don't. You could start by writing him letters...

Answer 6

I know you want to help him, however, he needs to come to the reality that he obviously did something wrong or he would not be sitting in jail. He needs to accept responsibility for his behaviors, he is 43 years old. Time for him to grow up stop blaming mom, or his horrible upbringing, or his wives, etc. You do what is best for you, your job is done, you have raised him, and I am sure you did what you thought was best. So, that is all we can do. It is time for him to grow up and accept responsibility for his behaviors. Let him sit and think twice about being abusive whenever he does not get his way. Perhaps you should consider contacting Dr.Phil, he would probably get you some counseling services for your son. Good luck and God Bless****

Answer 7

if he is facing jail time, then he will get the counseling he needs in there if he asks for it. you could try asking the judge to make it a stipulation in his sentancing that he receives help, it might help. also how he treats women is not your problem or fault. its his and his anger management that is at fault. i know this cuz i had abused my first wife and thru a lot of soul searching, prayer and help from a really good woman the second time around i was able to fix MY problem. u are not abad mom, he just needs some one to blame

Answer 8

No matter what he is your son and you shouldn't turn your back on him. Even if you don't agree with his lifestyle you need to let him know that you love him and will be there if he wants to get the help he needs. You don't have to over do it. At least write back to him and tell him how you feel and make sure you tell him you love him. Life is short and if anything would happen to him you would regret not speaking to him. You don't have to agree with him or stick up for him.

Answer 9

You need to think about if you want to be a part of his life. He's grown and he doesn't need "mommy's" help. But, he may need someone to talk to. I would go visit him. Even if you don't agree with what he's doing and don't want to financially support him, you should never give up on him. He should know that you're always pushing for him, even when he makes mistakes. Don't agree with what he did, but don't give up on your son. Also, Dr. Phil doesn't know anything. He tells people what they want to hear, dont listen to anything he says.

Answer 10

seems such as you're in basic terms bored? Does he cope with you badly? It seems such as you're on the edge of make a call which would be as hurtful to you interior the long-term as that's going to all of us else, in case you gave us each and all the suggestion. in case you bypass away for no reason different than you're in basic terms no longer happy, be arranged to initiate looking new acquaintances. the acquaintances the two certainly one of you have mutually will take his section in case you in basic terms left him and harm him for no obvious reason. your little ones will in all probability resent you too. you will actually be commencing life from scratch, and which could be an somewhat depressing factor. think of long and tricky approximately this previously you're taking the super step. with the help of massive step I advise the type the place in the experience that your legs are not long sufficient you will fall off it rather and land up with a gash on your brow which will in no way heal.