My girlfriend has a low-to no- sex drive- what should I do?

Question

I really care about my girlfriend- but she has a very low sex drive- She admits she could live without sex- id like it mabey twice a week, but she prefers it- never- We havn't had sex in a month, and everytime I hint Im in the mood, she angrily retorts she's 'not a piece of meat'. If shes not in the mood, ill back down and wont press her. She has never once initiated sex. Im a good looking guy- she just says sex is 'dirty and sinfull'. She walked in on me in the bathroom and caught me masturbating, she threatened to call the police. We do live together!What should i do?????I love her, but Im not prepared to live as a eunich...On matters of sex, she';s very very concervative....But i think one key to a healthy relationship is a healthy sex life. Am i wrong?She claims all i think about is sex. Mabey its becuse I havent had any in a month.

We have discussed marriage, but Im not sure where that will go. We have had sex, and she isnt overly upset we had sex before marriage- she just is uncomfortable with the act itself- i thought she found me disgusting- she assured me its the act of sex- not me- that disturbs her. I have taken her not wanting to have sex as a rejection of me-We need counceling, but she refuses to go, saying sex isnt important.

If I try to talk about this- or any issue, her response is always "I don't want to talk about it", and she storms off.

Despite the problems, i love her- we really click intellectually, and love the same music and politics- just on the issue of sex, we are worlds apart....

Answer 1

I think sex is an important dynamic to a relationship. My fiance and I have had this problem before. I'm ok with a couple of times a week (but not just once in a day) and his sex drive is equal to a man just out of prison after a 10 year sentence.

You have to make a compromise in this situation, but it's going to be very difficult seeing how she has a lot of pre-conceived notions on sex. Try not to pressure her and be unsympethetic because this will only cause the problem to worsen. Talk to her and let her know that sex isn't something that's just "sinful or dirty" but can be a very deep expression of how you feel about her.

And in the times that she does have sex with you, don't go to town like you're a porn star. Try to take it easy and reassure her with kisses and gentle words.

Most women grew up with the notion that sex is taboo, and in some cases a wifely obligation more than something for pleasure. Just be supportive and understanding. But if her notions are too deeply engraved, you may just have to find another girlfriend.

Goodluck

Answer 2

First you are not wrong. Why you ask because "in a month "you said that means previously you have had sex. So it wasn't demeaning then.
I don't want to put things in your head, but here goes:
She might have someone else. There are women who play a very good roll. Women are better cheaters than men. #2 you might not be working it right. A lot of men think that they are good in bed because of how many partners they have had in their lifetime or because of sometimes the way women lie by moaning& claiming that you are good. Was she like this all the time? If the answer is no, then you have a problem. I think when you have a significant other it should be 50/50. You meet her needs, she meets yours. Sex is so wonderful when its good for both-partners. Communication is the key. I know I sound antique. But I am 26yrs old & I like it 4-5 times a week & I work 40hrs a week & I am married with children..... Thank you. I always make sure I find the time for my man to satisfy me & a do as well. That is half of the importance in the relationship.l don't know how long you will go on like this, but there is trouble in paradise. Do some investigation & listen to your intuition. If all else fails shes just cold, & that = bitter for you or you might end up on the Jerry Springer show. There is no need to masturbate. Find your self someone else but don't cheat on her. Let her go & get your self a LATINA. 100% HOT

Answer 3

If sex is that important to you tell her and if she doesn't want to then you have to decide if you love her or the sex. If it's the sex then leave. Have you ever thought she may be a survivor of sexual abuse, or perhaps she's very into sex being an after marriage kinda thing there could be any number of reasons why she's like that. No need to be so frustrated about it, it wont work out if you think sex is healthy in a relationship and she would prefer not to have it.
p.s. My best friend is 22 and she refuses to have sex with anyone until she's sure that he's the person she loves. she lives with her boyfriend and they have a great relationship. But then again he locks the door to masturbate.

Answer 4

This is probably normal - for her. Everyone has different levels of sex drive. A key to a healthy long-term relationship is making sure both partners can be happy. You should have a talk with her, NOT sometime when you're feeling horny and frustrated. Maybe **** first so you're not distracted. But anyway, have a calm and loving talk about how you understand how she feels but the two of you need a compromise. You need to not pressure her all the time or make her feel guilty, while she needs to sometimes do things for you - she might even get into the mood sometimes once things get started. However, if she refuses to talk about this, you have to consider that a solid long-term relationship needs compatibility, and if you can't work this out, you should consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

Answer 5

Sounds like a "low sex drive" is not the only problem here. I think her whole outlook on sex is wrong, frankly. I have a low sex drive myself, but I don't feel that there's anything "sinful" or bad about intercourse, masturbation and sexuality in general; I simply can take it or leave it. My husband feels similar, so no problem there. I don't think people must have sex X times a week to have a healthy relationship; but whatever frequency they do it at, they should both be more or less satisfied with it - be it every day, twice a month, or twice a year. If I were you, I would think hard before deciding to commit to marriage - the problem will not go away, but will only get worse. Unless you think you can accept things are they are now, and enjoy other aspects of your relationship without feeling resentful about the lack of sex - don't do it.

Answer 6

I'm in the same boat with my wife. Despite conservative values, she should have some sex drive. Is she on any medication or birth control? They have affect sex drive. Also stress is a big factor. She could have a low sex drive to begin with but there still should be desire.

You need to have an upfront conversation with her to let her know that you are not satisfied. You should approach her by describing your feelings about the situation, not accusing or pointing blame. Use phrases like "I feel...when you..." This way it focuses on how you are feeling and is not accusatory. Ask her what she thinks of your sex life and if she is satisfied. Express what you "feel" about it and try to come to a satisfactory compromise.

If she refuses to compromise or doesn't follow through on what you both decided and sex is important to you, it may be time to move on.

Update to the updates: Bottom line, if she is unwilling to talk about it, you are doomed from the start. This is something that is important to you and perhaps you should stress that. If she is still unwilling to discuss it, you should cut it off. If you let it go on and you get married, what happens when you want to discuss having kids or moving because you got a better job? Is she still not going to want to talk about that? Communicating with her is the only way and if she is unwilling to do that, DO NOT MARRY HER! I know you love her and you click well but if you can't communicate, you'll end up with hate and resentment later down the road because you can't tell her how you feel. There are plenty of fish out there.

I know it may seem that I'm advocating dumping her because of lack of sex but it is really because you cannot talk about lack of sex with her. Not being able to talk about it is going to bring up worse problems than not getting any for months at a time...

Answer 7

It's true that a healthy sex life is one key to a healthy relationship. Did you know about this even before you met her? If so, then you will have to accept her that way. If not, maybe you guys are just meant to be friends. Yes, you click in all aspect but maybe the reason why she doesn't initiat sex with you is because she don't picture you that way. It's possible you both have more of a friend to friend relationship versus a guy and gal thing. Hopefully you both find a happy/healthy way to figure it out!

Answer 8

Seeing as you put this in 'marriage & divorce', my first advice is don't marry this woman. Of course sex isn't everything, but unless you're willing to commit to a lackluster sex life FOREVER, you need to realize that the two of you are not sexually compatible. You could try talking to her about this, you could even try couple's counseling... but if she won't budge from her rather puritanical viewpoint on this matter, I think your relationship is doomed to fail. Any woman who threatens to call the police on you for masturbating (!) is unlikely to ever fulfill your needs in the bedroom. She obviously actually has psychological issues regarding sexuality.

edit: you say you love her and you really connect on an intellectual level... sounds more like a friend or a roommate to me. Unless you're willing to go without, or she's willing to let you find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, this relationship can't last.

Answer 9

My friend, it is time for you to move on! Sex is not everything, but it is a very important relationship element, certainly for men. A man's sexual libido is too powerful to try to suppress. You need to keep it in control, but not to make believe you don't need it. If you stay with her, you are going to continue to get angry and resentful of her and turn to cheating, porn, and multiple masturbation on a daily level. You and her are no longer in sync! Perhaps your gf is having some female hormonal problems, or is just tired of you, or feels that you just want to use her, but she doesn't see any future, due to lack of commitment, or interest. She may be using sex as leverage, you never know with some women! Either way, it's time for a change for the both of you. Find someone new who you wouldn't mind being married to. Make sure that besides your sex drives, that you have other mutual interest. I would suggest someone a few years younger than you are, as long as she is of legal age, and mature of mind.

Answer 10

Buy her a sex drive for Christmas.

Seriously...unless she chooses to get some therapy to help her work thru whatever it is that prevents her from enjoying sex, you have the choice of living with little to no sex in your life, or finding someone who enjoys an active sex life. It is pretty bad, when she not only refuses to take care of your needs, but has an attitude when you end up going to the "self-service pump"!

Face it: it is not going to get any better, only worse...unless SHE decides to change, and gets the help she needs to make this happen. Where did you find this Victorian gal anyway...I wanna put it on my "don't go there" list!