my partner and me were getting along really well, great sex life etc, after a really rough patch (he's been ill). then he went and trashed it. i am really sensitive about my looks and really hate him looking at porn sites, it makes me feel crap about myself and our relationship. my problem i know but thats how it is. but he went ahead and did it anyhow regardless of my feelings. he only apologised cos i caught him - forgets i know how to use a computer properly. now all is ****, sex life very shaky and i feel awful. he promises he won't do it again but said that the time before and the time befor that. (i know you dn't have to tell me how pathetic that makes me look) Its not like he wasn't getting enough sex- at least6 times a week.
so i don't know what to think. am i just being oversensitive or what? i'm sat here now wondering why i'm still here. we have a 2yr old daughter.
someone help straighten my mind out please!
2006-12-08 11:07:50 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Girl...let me assure you that you are NOT overreacting!!! The reason why you are feeling the way you do now is because you love him and you expect the same thing back from your partner. Of course, with him having to watch porn does make you feel crappy. I went through it myself and I totally understand. You know what you want in a man/partner, that's why you're upset about it. What you should do is tell him clearly that you will no longer tolerate his act. If it should happen again, girl...as hard as it is...it's time to move on. If he truly loves you, that should motivate him to stop watching porn. Porn is a destruction to relationship and lives. You don't have to accept porn if you don't want to. Just because the whole world says it's okay for your partner to watch porn doesn't mean it's right. Stand up for what you believe in. It's the only way to show your partner what you will tolerate and not tolerate. You don't have to tolerate him if he don't change. Best of luck you and your daughter.
2006-12-08 13:17:34 · answer #1 · answered by pangfvlx 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey this is not a problem. He is a man, therefore he looks at porn. Who cares? Obviously he wants to be with you, he is not cheating on you. He must like how you look or he would not be aroused by you.
It doesn't make you look pathetic to believe him time and again when he says he will stop. That's just natural to believe someone you love. Almost all women have been in a similar situation with the man they love. I think you need to work on your self image.
Also, you and him are having a whole lot of sex...maybe you should cut back so it is more special. My boyfriend and I used to be the same way. We had sex every single night, but it became a boring routine. We decided to cut back to 3 or 4 nights a week and things really improved! We have more energy to experiment this way.
2006-12-08 20:58:42 · answer #2 · answered by ÜFÖ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OMG
I am going through a similar situation...ever since I caught my husband watching porn on the Internet, and his buddies at work sending him things, I freaked out, because I felt betrayed, like why didn't he tell me? I felt differently about my trust. I am not against pron, I even asked him if he would watch porn with me, but he says no......my sex life is not the same now as it used to be. I am not sure why? You should not badger him not to watch it, because honestly he will watch it regardless if you tell him to or not. I just assume my husband is watching it all the time when I am not at home, and accept it. I mean, at least he is not cheating. They say once a guy is done (with watching porn) he cannot even remember what the girl looked like..so that should make you feel a little better. I hope. Maybe if you acted like you didn't care as much, or act insecure about it, maybe your sex life will improve.....don't be insecure, he is with you. And you are probably really pretty. Good luck
2006-12-08 19:52:02 · answer #3 · answered by Stephanie H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not your mind that needs straightening. He needs to get off the crack (or in his case, porn).
He's exhibiting classic features of an addicted personality. As you said, your relationship seemed ok until you started confronting him about the porn. Now he knows that what he is doing is destructive to you and therefore it's going to affect the relationship, so he's feeling guilty, but guilt is not enough to help someone end an addiction (in fact, with some people, guilt can actually drive them towards an increase in the addictive behavior, to further shove their feelings below the surface).
You're not pathetic for giving him several chances, and it only stands to reason that if your man is looking at porn all the time, you're self confidence and self worth will be affected.
Here's the sad thing. He's not going to quit for you. He wouldn't even quit for your daughter. The only person who can get through to him is him.
It seems you aren't wanting to leave, just get the porn out of your lives. I would suggest on your own getting a family friendly internet filter and password protect it with a word only you know, and do it without his knowledge. He will probably get very angry about this, but hey, you've got a daughter now, and you've got to think even more for her sake now than the 2 of you. I have one that's under 3 and she already is learning how to navigate around with the mouse, so it won't be long before she could stumble upon all your husband's stuff.
If he does get angry, you need to confront him with the idea that his anger should be a signal to him that he has a serious problem and he needs to get help for it, and if you continue to find him accessing it by some means, you're going to have to consider what you're willing to put your marriage through.
Addicted people tend to have to reach bottom in some way before they will wake up and get help, so it's going to get worse before it gets better. If ever there were a need for "tough love", it's here, and you need to commit yourself to making things difficult for him if you want to ultimately save your relationship.
2006-12-08 19:20:12 · answer #4 · answered by You'll Never Outfox the Fox 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sex six times a week and he still has time for porn? Does he work? I hate the porn thing too so I sympathize. But if you are having frequent sex and he still watches lots of porn, could he possibly have a sexual addiction ? Or is he simply bored and hanging out on the computer? Entertain him in other ways - take the baby someplace, watch a good movie together, etc.
2006-12-08 19:14:41 · answer #5 · answered by Katie Rose 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're right - your issues with it are your issues, not his. However, if it makes you feel demeaned in any way, he should not do it...if he truly loves you.
The same can be said about him...Porn is his issue, not yours. Now you just have to decide what to do about it. Don't leave the decision up to him. If you don't like it, have made that clear and he won't compromise on this in consideration of your feelings, it's time to act. The only question really for you is - Is this a deal breaker for you? Does it mean that much? Are you willing to walk away over it? If it hurts you that much, work on your issues, but do it alone...not with him. He's not healthy for you.
Wish you the best hon...takes a lot of strength to do what is right for you...especially when children are involved. Good luck.
2006-12-08 19:15:05 · answer #6 · answered by Grá 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The thing to do is to stop asking him about it. Obviously, it's not working it just probably keeps starting agruements something your daughter and you simply don't need. If it's a problem him looking at the porn when your daughter is around that is a major problem I would def. leave. If he only looks at it when no one is around I don't see a problem especially if he is only looking at least he's not going out to strip clubs or cheating on you. He's home with you, your the mother of his daughter he loves you move on and don't sweat the small stuff. Men are going to look at porn it's human nature he probably has his whole life and is not going to change. If you keep bothering him about it he will go out and seek other ways and I'm sure you don't want that. I always say pick your battles.
2006-12-08 19:16:58 · answer #7 · answered by rosa23231 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Guys love porn! Don't take it so personally! ASk yourself if there is a guy out there.. movie star or something that is just perfect in your eyes.. great bod. etc. Do you fantasize about him? It is the same thing. Try getting past this by doing something crative and out of character in the bedroom. Buy a sexy costume, whipped cream.. somrthing different. Don't be mad at him though. Porn girls are not the day to day girls! They are all part of the male fantasy and let him have that as long as he still want you. But, you need to LET him want you. your beautiful- hang in there
2006-12-08 19:12:49 · answer #8 · answered by ruby 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This may be innocent, or what I am trying to say, that he may be one of those guys, who are into, this sort of thing, and that is as far as it goes. You where saying about having sex, 6 times a week, then that shows you that he is still into you. Don't get so bent out of shape, just talk to him, keep the lines of communications open! Have a great holiday!
2006-12-08 19:16:11 · answer #9 · answered by roseannetb@verizon.net 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lots of men like to look at porn,they say it has no conection with the wife, but i dont think u are being oversenstive and hes mean not to consider ur feelings,why dont u look at the porn together, c what happens when u are looking at the men!
2006-12-08 19:40:26 · answer #10 · answered by Bubbles 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋