How can I make my boyfriend realize he is very selfish, and hopefully change his attitude and behaviors?

Question

My bf and I have dated for over 19 months, and living together for less than a year. But he has been extremely selfish and inconsiderate since the 4th month. He always puts his mom in priority, and would do things for his mom without informing me. For example, he promised to raise a puppy for his mom without talking to me first, and eventually I had to do all the work to take care of the dog. He does not care about my feelings. He gets mad at me several times per week, and made me feel very guilty. I tried to change myself to please him, and I actually changed a lot since I met him. He knows that. But he is never satisfied. I feel so much guilt everyday for upsetting him even though it cannot be always my fault. Everytime we have a fight, he talks about breaking up. I still want to be with him, so I feel very insecure being with him, and feel a lot of pressure to make myself perfect so that he won't leave me. I am having an emtional crisis now, and I have to see a doctor now.

Answer 1

YOur behavior is what is called codependency. Go to Al-anon meetings. This will help you immensely

Answer 2

I'm kind of going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend. We've been together for a little over two years and haven't lived together yet, but I know exactly what you're talking about. My boyfriend constantly puts me down and makes me feel like ****. Yeah, sometimes I cry about it and blame myself heavily for it. But I've realized that I can't make him happy all the time, nor hurt myself because he isn't satisfied. Things like this just have to subside and if they don't, move on. It can be worked out, but both parties must be willing to work at it.

All I can say is let him act the way he acts and ignore it. If it gets bad enough for you to leave, then leave. Yes, love makes us blind (I know from my current relationship and past ones), but it's these experiences that make us wiser and stronger. Good luck!!!

Answer 3

I am sorry to tell you this, but if you think that you can change him you won't. There are very few men that you can actually train in this world. The best advice that I can give you is to share your feelings with him and see how he reacts. I promise you that you will then have your answer. Why do you want to be with somebody that makes you feel any less about yourself? You are who you are and somebody is out there to love that part of you. If not him, then another man is. I've been in your boat before and it's not fun. If he puts his friends and his own life infront of you and your feelings, he's not worth it. You probably feel that he is the only one for you, but think of this: do you want your life to be the same in 6 months from now? Do you want to keep fighting, feeling like you are put on the back burner, or that he can care less about what you think? Speak up or forever hold your peace. You either do something about it now or else you will stay with him, grow more attached to him, and feel like you are stuck with him and his ways forever. You dont want that!

Answer 4

It sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship... now that word might sound scary, but there are different forms of abuse besides physical. The fact that he is tricking YOU into feeeling guilty and feeling like the "bad guy" means he is manipulating your emotions. You should NEVER change who you are for anyone, nor should he have to for you. It sounds as if you two need a break.. try taking a week for you to figure out what you want, and what you deserve (because i guarantee nobody deserves a relationship with that much drama) Find a caring and loving boyfriend who treats you with the upmost respect!! Every girl deserves it

Answer 5

I am sorry your going through this and it is not an easy situation. I have been in your shoes and I didnt get out till after the death of my daughter. It made me wake up and opened my eyes. What he is doing is called mental/emotional abuse. It is upto you if you are going to let this continue to happen or get some help. Try talking with a clergy person or your local mental health agency for counseling. I would try and talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you would like a better relationship and if he does to then maybe you could go to counseling together to make your relationship better. Try reading at the library "The Women that love men and the men that hate them." Its a good book it helped me alot to be able to deal with things. good luck.

Answer 6

Maybe he is not the man for you. Once a person is selfish he is not going to magically change so I advise you to make a list of things you like about your man and things you don't. From there see if it worth staying with him.

Answer 7

Why would you bust your butt so hard to try to please someone that can't be pleased? This is similar to the battered woman that won't leave a relationship because she thinks it is her fault. If you feel like you are doing all you can and he isn't happy and only expects more, without anything in return, then you might have to just admit he is a jerk and you can do better. Loving someone is one thing, allowing them to make you feel like you are subhuman is another. Someone who loves you won't make you feel that way.

Answer 8

Do you no what dating is? Dating is to see if this is the person you can spend the next 30+YRS OF YOUR LIFE with. And can you? Can you really see your self marry such a person. After you were to marry him you would have to suck up everything because you bought into it. I really feel sorry for you. I was in a marriage like that for 10yrs. In those type of men don't change. As long as you stay there your always going to feel sick inside and emotional too, After I got sick and had to take medicine after I knew I had to think of me.I just hate to see you waste your time and life away with this person. He never going to change don't matter how much you try. Men like him don't care. They make you feel guilty and dumb and you feel ugly inside and soon from the outside too. And one day your going to open up your eyes in realize that's how he feels and he rubbing it ALL on you to make him feel better. Right now you got your eyes wide shut. Seeing a doctor is good. And that talk about breaking up that's him watching you get scared. You need to get strong in challenge his but in tell him go head. He might run to "mommy's house" so want. You need to love yourself and get strong. It don't take over night but if you get help and prey to God and start reading self help books like ten stupid things women to to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger and listen to her talk radio show on 640am 12noon-3pm Mon-Fri CA time you will get better. Don't waste 10yrs of your life like I did. These man don't change. I know you thing oh he has a good side I really love him. And if your thinking about the sex, don't that will come later you can find that with a man who really going to love you and respect you. Beacause this man your with don't. You need to look at the facts not your feelings.

Answer 9

Emmie,

I believe you are blaming yourself for nothing.
Dont feel guilty for anything, unless (after discussing your relationship with him) you find you really made a mistake, dont feel guilty!
People have differences, sometimes many and if you both want the relationship, you both will learn to compromise, communicate and stop blaming and/or critisizing one another.
I just ended my relationship this morning, after realizing he was simply never going to contribute any part of himself to our relationship, and that told me all I needed to know.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

YOU CANT CHANGE HIM...HE WILL ALWAYS BE SELFISH...ALWAYS...BELIEVE YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM NOW WHILE NO KIDS ARE THERE, OR ELSE YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE ONE ANGRY UNION.
I KNOW, THIS SOUNDS LIKE MY GUY 100%, he never listens to me, forgets anything I tell him if it doesnt involve sex or himself, doesnt support me in my interest or work, rarely helps out with our child (will watch tv or play videopgames, he is 32 btw) doesnt do dishes much, HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT MY FEELING EITHER, you bf sounds alot like mine...WAKE UP...YOU NEED TO LOSE HIM, A REAL MAN WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY NOT FEEL GUILTY...**** THIS LOSER, MOVE ON, PLEASE...you can do it, he is not GOD. I AM IN A VERY UNHAPPY AND ANGRY RELATIONSHIP, I CANT LEAVE BECAUSE HE ALWAYS THREATENS TO TAKE MY CHILD AWAY.