why do I feel guilty for leaving my ex husband, after all the abuse he put me through?

Question

Why should I feel guilty for leaving my ex after he was the one who cheated and lied and abused drugs after 13 years I finally gave up,when I caught him on the phone with a 19 year old from our work, he was smoking pot with all the young kids at work, I just packed up and drove 2,000 miles!!!!

It has been 3 years now I just still feel gulity for giving up .

Answer 1

Hmmm....I am in the same situation. My ex cheated, lied, abused me, gambled, stole, did drugs, sold drugs....the works. He is now in prison for selling drugs and I can't help but feel sorry for him because he has always been so pathetic. Maybe, like me, you were raised in a family where your parents stayed together through anything. Maybe you were raised in a religion that tells you to make it work at all cost. Maybe your ex was very good at passing the blame off on you and lowering your self esteem. In any case, you made the right decision. I stayed in my marriage for eight years until he finally left to "get his life together" (which was clearly not happening). During this time I moved on and he was upset by it. He divorced me and I am glad he did because I would probably not have had the courage. It was after that he went to prison for five years. Four years later now, I am engaged to a great guy but still feel pangs of guilt that I am happy and that I failed at making my marriage work. I feel bad for things I did that contributed to the nightmare that was my life, though I know that one would have a tough time reacting any other way. I have found that it helps to remember the times that he had no consideration for the sadness and misery I felt while he acted terribly. I thank God every day for helping me out of that mess. I hope for my ex to turn his life around and find a good relationship of his own and still communicate with him and assist him when I can without letting it consume my life. Maybe it is time we both stop beating ourselves up and taking over where our ex's left off. You were courageous to leave. Try to stop looking at the closed door or you may not notice the open door in front of you. Leaving may have been the best thing you could have done. Not only for your benefit but for his. When someone is faced with consequences of their actions they are closer to making changes. Had you stayed and constantly forgave him.....the behavior only would have gotten worse. Good luck and God Bless

Answer 2

We women are always the ones to feel guilty even if we did nothing wrong, but the reason why u might feel guilty is because u still Love him. But you did the right thing by leaving him. He did not respect you as a women and as his partner.

Has he called you? Try looking for you? apologize to you in anyway?, or gave an explanation for what he did? If the answer is No to all then move on he's no good.

Answer 3

Well, you should talk to your grand daughter & let her know lying is not o.k. even though a parent tells you it's o.k. but still she is young & had the influence of her biological father, so it's not her fault. I believe that if you can try & fight for custody & prove to the judge that your daughter's ex should not be around these children because of his behavior, maybe the judge can do a court order on him, say for example a custody battle, supervised visits only on certain days or maybe even a restraining order may be a better idea since you say he's abusive, as long as you can prove his past behavior whether it was reported or not, you can expect to win this case. A judge usually will take children away from parents if he sees that he is not a good influence to them in any way. I hope everything works out for you all even though you may not take my advice, try & enjoy the holidays for now & just deal with it after holidays are over.

Answer 4

I think you have mix emotion's.and that you might have some feelings left for this man. But you did the right thing. It's OK to have some quilt. Please don't try to go back to such a person your going to have the same problems you did. And who ever his with now is probably going though the same staff you were going though. Haven't you made a new life for you? You need to read ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger and listen to her talk radio show on 640am 12noon-3pm Mon-Fri CA time.

Answer 5

You should not feel guilty, if anything, you should be proud of yourself for leaving him! You did the right thing and now the next step is putting your life back together! Do the things you once enjoyed to do, get closer with family, and date. You don't have to get serious with anyone just yet. Have fun and explore. It will really help get your mind off of that. I wish you the best.

Answer 6

Good For You! Get over it! and no it is not easier said than done. This transition will be however hard or easy you want it to be. Women are by nature survivors! So hold your head up, stop tripping, cry your last tear. He only prepared you for the next man that God has for you. Use this time to get closer to God.
Read a Joyce Meyer book

Answer 7

Good for you!
The guilt is from the death of a union. I just got divorced about 18 months ago and I know what you are saying. It will get better but don't you dare look back OR go back! If you do I will hunt you down and pinch your head off!! LOL. He doesn't deserve a gal like you!!

Answer 8

u are feeling a false sense of guilt, blaming yourself for what he did. u feel bad, cause your the type of person who doesn't like to give up on anyone. u did right, u will love him forever, love doesn't just die. u grieve what u thought the marriage was, u grieve what the marriage could have been, but he made the choices to do what he did, this had nothing to do with you. infact u are quite a strong woman, to know when to walk out.

Answer 9

As one who works with people who have been emotionally and/or physically or sexually abuse... believe it or not, what you feel is common, We all hate to give up on someone, EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE PROVEN THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. In some ways, you may feel as f you have failed. You have not. You may feel as if he is going to hurt himself if you leave. He may, but it is not your fault. That is his choice. You may even feel ashamed that something was more important to him than you relationship. What it comes down to is, he was too immature to see his loss...You are saving yourself. Thats what counts.

Answer 10

Why?If you did nothing wrong.I can see if you were smoking pot with them,or you cheated too.But if you were faithful all those years,you have nothing to feel guilty about.