He has had a porn problem for years. He is more bold with his interest every year. Lately he is on chat sites for hours at a time, in the guise of looking for business, I hve learned tht he is advertising on the web for a discreet relationship with a woman. He is straight, but will allow a man if the woman insists. He is inquiring for someone within a 50 mile radius of us, and I know he is serious. Please tell me what to do. He is either on the phone or computer all day. Literally!. He is not interested in sex, or any show of affection. If I try to hug him, he will pull away or stand attention stiff. Kisses are non-existant. He hugs women friends and family, and kisses them on the cheek or forehead, but not me.He says he loves me when I ask, and that he can't do without me, yet I am starved for affection. I am at my wits end. Is my mariage over? My paycheck is keeping us going barely. Help please! He will only go for counseling until it gets personal, then he stops.
2006-12-08 09:03:39 · 32 answers · asked by suzanne612 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm a recovering Sex Addict and I understand the turmoil your husband is in. Although I don't know him personally, I can relate to the emotions that he is going through.
That being said, he is making choices regardless of the sickness that he is in. I would recommend that you find a good Christian counselor to help you with the pain you are experiencing. There are organizations that have support groups.
"Wives of Sex Addicts"
Search on-line for Sex Addicts Anonomous and consult these groups to find a spouse or wives group.
Get help for you first.
In time, when you are ready to enforce consequences you may confront him. Ultimately HE will have to take ownership of his addiction. He can get help and he can work the program and live a healthy sexual life with you and you alone, but he will have to get to rock bottom before he is willing to take that first step in admitting that his life is out of control.
I wish I had an answer on how you can get help him directly...
I can say this, he has some deep down hurt in his life and sex is simply a 'Magic Pill' that is masking that pain.
My wife was and continues to be a great support for me. She herself struggles with food and she told me early in my recovery that Pornography to me is like her having an "Eclair" in the refirgerator.
I can say that for me, I received counseling (Individual, not marriage) and then I have participated in a support group for Sex Addiction. I have been in recovery for 10 years...not all of which have been sober. My main issues are internet pornography. I did start to go to chat rooms, but I quickly pulled away as I realized that it was easy to go down that road and ultimately be with someone else.
Saddly, I still struggle with Internet Pornography as recently as today...I have times that I have been sober for months, but it is the thorn in my side. I continue to fight and I Pray that you and your husband will continue to fight...some day, we will be free from this slavery.
I love my wife with all my heart and I imagine that your husband loves you the same. I am Praying for you, your husband and all others in Cyber land who are trapped by Sexual Addiction.
2006-12-08 09:18:02 · answer #1 · answered by warequalspeace 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you had any previous marital problems like cheating in the relationship on your end? If that's the case it could be a trust issue *shrug*
If it's not that, tell him you feel neglected and ask him why he's not flowering you with the same level affection he previously provided you. You might hear what you don't want to hear but I guess at least it gets out in the open..
Perhaps suggest a weekend away or some rendezvous away from home with him to spice up the relationship or buy/wear some lingerie to see how he responds?
It could be he feels neglected or something by you (but you prolly don't feel it and it's prolly not even you but he's needy) or else.. he's just evolved to want to do things outside..
there's alot of questions i guess.. the best thing to do is really talk about it at the end of the day and ask him how he really feels and you tell him how you feel.
Hope all turns out ok for you.
2006-12-08 09:11:15 · answer #2 · answered by lyssaria 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your financing are that bad don't have the Internet. It's not a must. Your rent, food, light, gas, car payment's are a must. Tell him we can't afford it no more. If it's really that bad like you said YOU have to do something out of the norm. Turn that Internet off. If it's included with your cable and phone, you can still have the serves turn off for the Internet . Don't be afraid either. And it sounds like your husband has a sex problem and that he likes porn a lot. Girl you better get sexy in the bedroom and watch some porn too. you need to read ten stupid things couples do to mess up their relationships and ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger and listen to her talk radio show on 640am 12noon-3pm Mon-Fri CA time.
2006-12-08 09:32:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kick his *** off of the computer. If you are struggling, financially, the computer is not free, nor is the internet.
If that does not work kick his *** out the door.
Why do you women put up with so much?
I left after 26 years, a 150,000$ house, two dogs, tons of furniture. But no love no affection. It is not worth it. You get old, you die.
Quit pissing and moaning and do something.
2006-12-08 09:08:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have a frank discussion about the lack of intimacy. Read the book Crucial Conversations. A quick read that can allow you to discuss facts and feelings without telling him you assume he is up to no good. I am not telling you to just get rid of him because that is too easy an answer. If he was worth marring, he is worth talking to.
2006-12-08 09:13:31 · answer #5 · answered by Wolfithius 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
FInd out what website he is advertising on. Then answer his ad from another computer under an alias and tell him you want to bring a girlfriend for a threesome. Arrange for a hotel visit. When he shows up, have your female lawyer there to serve him with divorce papers.
2006-12-08 09:56:48 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say, but I think it's over. If he's not into you anymore, it's not a good sign. Have you tried taking some time apart? Sometimes a little distance puts things into perspective.
Hope you'll be alright and I wish you the best.
Good luck.
2006-12-08 09:08:25 · answer #7 · answered by Miss T 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really need to think about YOUR needs rights now. Maybe you should seek a therapist as an outside opinion, for yourself? Sometimes a person who knows nothing of a situation is your best friend . He obviously needs help himself but as the old saying goes "you can only lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink".
Think about your own well being.
Hugs!!!!
2006-12-08 09:14:55 · answer #8 · answered by Lulu76 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all,if you are not the center of his world,and wants to have sex with men and women,why would you still want him?and the reason he says he cant live without you is that your paycheck is keeping a roof over his sorry a-s. not to mention the diseases he could give you if you did have sex with him.my advice would be to dump him like a bag of trash,you cant trust him anyway so bye-bye!you deservr a man who will love you,crave you,and need you.life is too short not to want to be happy.live your life like tomorrow might not come.and good luck.
2006-12-08 09:13:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's addicted to the comp like me.He's lost intrest in u 4 sex..he needs help more than you.But save yourself be apart 4awhile.Its good4 the soul
2006-12-08 09:10:13 · answer #10 · answered by Victorio 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋