My wife cheated on me and I cant get over it.?

Question

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and have 2 boys 6 and 4. Just found out my wife has cheated on me and was planning on doing it again until I intercepted her email. I want to forgive her for our children's and marriages sakes. I also cheated on her about 2 years ago but much longer (6 months and over 30 times with same woman) and understand why a spouse cheats. Someone pays attention to them when you aren't and that is how it begins, that's how I screwed up and kept screwing up. I have a very hard time getting over mental images of my wife with another man but imagine she would have the same problems if she knew of my affair. I am just looking for input as to how to forgive and forget, every time I am getting angrier and angrier I have to remind myself that I did this on a much larger scale for a longer period and a very different depth of deception. I just need help letting go of it all so we have a chance of making this work.

Answer 1

You can't be serious! Get over it! Sounds like a case of even Stevens if you ask me. Confront your wife, tell her you know you know what's up and just ask her what you can do to make her feel wanted again.Then tell her you were just as big of a rat and beg for her forgiveness.

You described quite well what causes a person to drift. My wife pulled a fast one on me not long ago because she "THOUGHT" I'd done something in the past. I had not however, that was the excuse to start talking to old boyfriends without my knowledge. I've been faithful to me wife and I expected the same.

I've been going back and forth on this for months now. I have not hard evidence to prove any sexual contact took place but we promised what she did we would not do. It's was an emotional affair that hurts just as bad.

In your case you banged a woman that was not you wife for six months, have never gotten caught and you don't seem to have and remorse. Man, you better grovel like a person on death row and vow to yourself to never even think of cheating again. Beg like a dog for a bone to get your girl back in YOUR arms!

Answer 2

You are in a real bind, pal. I don't answer many of these, but this one begs for some definition.

Obviously you two don't know what marriage is---Firstly, it is a committment, one to the other. Then it is Admiration, Respect, Trust, Passion, and a whole lot of lovies, support, shared time, and agreement on such things as how to spend extra time and money. When the trust is gone, the others slowly (or sometimes instantaneously) erode (or explode). Neither of you, from what I have read, seem to understand this. The real, in fact the only deal-buster in a marriage is betrayal.... and why wouldn't you have a hard time getting over the image of your wife sharing her body and soul with another man,,,, Geeez. Be assurred, that if she knows of your betrayal, she is having a hard time too.

You will never be able to let go of this image, it just doesn't happen. But you certainly can understand it, and with help even forgive it..... And, any counsellor will tell you that it will be two years before your marriage can heal, and that is with help, and that is with no guarantee. You have children to raise, and you asked for some help in letting go of this. You can find some help -- both of you -- in counselling, and in committment to your partnership in raising children in a loving home. You communication is poor, so get some help in that area as well.

Answer 3

Well, you are in a pickle. You know that you screwed up and that you screwed up in a whole new and different way.

#1 Is your wife sorry or just sorry you found out?

#2 How have you changed your behavior? Remember your previous behavior encouraged your wife to have an affair. So what have you changed?

#3 It takes time to get over the betrayal. From what I've read AT LEAST TWO YEARS to start and re-build the trust until then you will have to take it a day at a time.

Answer 4

First of all: your mom raised a sweet young man. I'm sorry your wife cheated. People cheat for insecurity issues. If she's the same age as you (3 kids) is a lot to have at that age. My advice is: it's gonna happen again. And for her not to comfort you when you express your feelings, shows she doesn't care. I'm sorry but the truth is, you need to spreads and get a paternity test for all 3. You need to know the truth about all 3 kids. I see you still love them no matter what but you should know if youre indeed the father of all 3

Answer 5

You are unlucky that you discovered her infidelity and very lucky that she didn't discover yours. But i do think you are being as fair as you can in the way you are trying to deal with this. If you are not going to tell her about your affair, and I don't think you should, then you are going to have to understand about trust and sex.
Sex is NOT what keeps a marriage going.....trust and liking is. If you truly love your wife then you have to remember why you have both done this and learn from it.
As you say, an affair happens because someone pays you attention and the new is always exciting.....so, try to make your marriage more exciting. You both need to talk and say what you want from each other in terms of everyday stuff. My husband likes it that I tell him, when he comes home from work and kisses me, that he smells good.....his aftershave seems to last better than my perfume. I like it that he always thanks me for the meals I have made and says he likes my food. It's little things like that that keep things ticking over nicely. You'll never forget what she did, but you can forgive. And not forgetting is no bad thing, because you'll also not forget what you did and so maybe understand that it';s the trust you both have to work at.
Honestly, sex becomes such a little part of a marriage; it's the shared history and companionship that count. Your kids need to see you being a pair, hugging, doing things together, liking each other, talking, being comfortable with each other.
As men often say, when asked by their partners if they love them, 'I'm still here aren't I?' Maybe that's what you need to remember. Good luck.

Answer 6

Cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter who did it first or how long they did it. The fact is you hurt each other. Now its time to either forgive each other and move on or trash the relationship. That might sound harsh but I don't think your looking for "lets go around the bush" answers.
You both need to get into counseling. I'm not talking about high price counseling either. I'm talking about talking to a minister, a nuetral person, someone who can help you before its too late.
The feelings you are having are normal for this kind of situation. She might be doing this out of spite because she herself doesn't know how to let go, forgive you, and move on.
Let me ask you this, did she say she was sorry for her recent endeavor or has it come down to the fact that she doesn't want to be married anymore?
You can get through this if you BOTH sit down together and talk this through with someone.
Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

If you want to work it out, you will need professional help at this point... If both of you are far from meeting eachothers needs and know this, you need to change. If you are not willing to change, leave while you still like eachother. It does not benefit the kids to see their parents in a tense, loveless marriage. If you can't work it out, do the smart thing and leave things civil. Live in the same town and work out a half and half schedule with custody... But check with the counselor first... Even if you do decide to split, finding that forgiveness for eachother will smooth things as friends, too... Good luck!!! ♥

Answer 8

Somebodies are not paying attention.
Get back to it. Both of you.
Do the funky chicken. Sleep in. Go to the park. Drop off the kids. Spend $4.00 on the dollar menu...$2.00 each. Renew. Ask GOD. HE saves, renews, gifts, promises, loves, guides...anything you want. You know why you did and why she did. Now be the MAN and get your family back in order. Association brings on assimulation. Don't think after such time together you two don't naturally become ONE( just by the Plan of the Universe if you can't give God all the credit!)
FORGIVE. HE forgives you?!!!
Be real and get rid of the fluff. Talk. Communicate and TOUCH.
His Grace and Mercy to you both.

Answer 9

Well you said that you have a hard time doing the "FOrgive and Forget thing".........Listen honey - you can always forgive but you will never forget.....
If she does not know about your affair then you do have the upper hand but believe me ---she will find out one day ....

If you really love her and want it to work then you have to forgive and never bring it up again....Let it go ...Work at your going forward with yor marrage...

Live each day as if it was your last together- What ever happen yesterday - Leave it in the past!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

You and your wife have to be completely honest with each other and determine if the marriage is worth saving.

If you plan to move forward with each other, commit to going to marriage counseling. Understand that it won't be easy and that change won't happen overnight.

Learn how to communicate with each other; understand what you both need to be happy.

DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR HE SAKE OF THE KIDS. It is the worst possible idea for them to have parents who barely tolerate each other (and will continue to be unfaithful), for their sakes.

Talk to your wife as soon as possible. The longer you put this off, the more difficult it will be to diffuse those images of her with another man. It will also interfere with any plans you have for saving your relationship.

Neither one of you will forgive and forget, so just put that out of your mind. Your first priority to come clean with your wife and for the two of you to determine if you're going to move forward.