Marriage Doubts?

Question

I am living with my boyfriend. He proposed to me in July of 2006, and we are scheduled to be married June 2007. For the last couple months, I have had serious doubts about committing my life to him. First and foremost, I feel the emotional intimacy is very much lacking in our relationship. He doesn't talk about his feelings about anything unless I ask, and even then, it's obvious he is uncomfortable. I certainly haven't prodded him, I've tried to let him open up at his own pace. I can't remember the last time he said I love you, and he seems uncomfortable when I say it.

I bought a book called love languages and read it, I told him about some things in it regarding communication. I asked him to read it. The book has been sitting around since summer. I love him, but without the emotional intimacy I don't feel comfortable getting married. Is this a common thing in relationships? I haven't felt like this in any other relationship I've been in.

Answer 1

If you are having serious doubts then listen to your heart. It is sort of common, most men dont talk about their feelings that much. If it is important to you to hear I love you... then really think about getting married, its much easier to break away now that it is after the marriage. :o(

Answer 2

I think I know how you feel, I feel like the guy in that scenario in my own life. Listen, I think it was a mistake to tell him to read the book and hope something good will come of it b/c frankly guys don't "work" that way. What is good was your intention behind it, which was to open the channels of communication. I know he has appeared uncomfortable when you try to talk before but that is what is going to have to happen. Seriously the best time for this might be in bed. Whether you have sex or not that day isn't important. Watch a little TV in bed and ask him, could I be honest about a few things with you. Mute TV, and start with I love you - then hit him with what you mentioned here. See how he responds. Maybe he's just kinda freaking out - WEDDINGS ARE A BIT**! They can be really scary. You gotta talk to him.

Answer 3

It sounds like good intuition on your part. If you can't communicate now, during the most romantic part, it does not bode well for what is to come. Is it common...well, we are all different, so the way we communicate has a different dynamic with each person. He's obviously got some hang-ups somewhere that he isn't willing to share. I'd solve this before even thinking about marriage.

The book...it will sit there 'til dooms day. If he really cared, he'd have read it by now...a sign that you don't share a common goal or a single mind. When people talk about soulmates...well he isn't yours.

The only thing that hit me wrong is your line ' committing my life to him'. It sounds as if then he will own you. I'd rather think about committing to each other with a sense of equal independence. I assume that you agree and it is simply a matter of how I interpret your wording...

Answer 4

Sounds like he just has a drastically different communication style, and it's making you uncomfortable. You have to figure out for yourself if you can accept him the way he is; his basic personality will stay the same whether or not the two of you are married. It doesn't seem like he feels there's anything wrong with the way he expresses himself - and there most likely isn't; his way is no worse and no better than yours, just different.

Also, "talking about feelings" is by far *not* the only way to express and share emotional closeness. My husband doesn't "talk about his feelings", he's generally very reserved; he never actually says "I love you" or anything like "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me", etc - none of this sentimental c**p. If he did say something like this, I would probably call an ambulance, thinking he was running a fever! However, I have no trouble figuring out that he loves me, is loyal to me, and would do anything for me. We may not talk about the "feelings", but we talk about a lot of other things, and basically share our lives with each other. This is something no words can ever express.

Perhaps you feel that something deeper is missing in your relationship. Don't ignore this feeling, listen to it. The deeper bond is more important than the superficial expressions; I'm guessing that something fundamental is lacking, and this is what you're intuitively responding to.

Answer 5

Marriage is obviously a big step. It seems that your fiance is the strong silent type, if this is his true nature and you love the guy then you will have to accept him just as he is. Most men tend to be less verbal and outwardly emotional then women are. Boys are brought up to be tough, not to cry, and so forth.
You must decide if this is the only issue and there are any others that will only get worse with time. It is much easier to prolong the engagement period and really examine your relationship and future together rather then taking this serious step and deciding it was a mistake. I wish you the best. Hopefully you will be able to work this out. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Common problem. Keep in mind that men feel threatened by this kind of thing. I don't know any guy who would admit to reading a book called "Love Languages" unless it was a porn novel about girls seeking a European multicultural "education".

That doesn't mean it's not a real problem. I don't know how old you are.
Tell him the problem you are having. Don't "sorta" tell him - tell him! Don't mix words, be open and CLEAR about what you want - no whining or crying - and ask him what the problem is. Tell him to think about it and you'll ask him again in a week. Give him the week to think about it. See what you get. Then try again.
If you are getting nowhere I would be a little nervous if you go to maybe April and no progress.

Answer 7

I can tell you this, don't wait til you get married or close to your date to get married to make a decision as you will lose money on your deposits....

First, you two need to sit down and talk tonight to make sure you two are on the same page and not having doubts about this marriage....It could just be nerves....

Ask yourself if he makes you feel like no other man has ever made you feel....Is this a give and take relationship?....Discuss about kids, finances and your expectations....

There are a lot of people who just get married soley on lust, not love because when you meet someone and you two are vibing good and once the newness of your relationship is gone, you realize, you may not love that person.....

If intimacy is the problem, try to get him to open up to you and discuss your expectations in the bedroom and discuss things that you can do to please and satisfy each other...

If a marriage is going to work, you need a great line of communication that is open in order to succeed.....

All I can tell you is communicate with him, do some soul searching and pray and your answers will come clearer to you......

Remember, its better to know now than to get married and get divorced and become another statistic in a failed marriage...

Good Luck and don't forget to pray and leave it to GOD and you will get your answers...

Answer 8

AHHHHH - if there is a lack of intimacy NOW then the chasm between the two of you will ONLY GROW. Step back for a while and cool off. I'd say this is way more than cold feet. Sounds like you guys could ice skate in your home! Good Luck and I hope you find the love of your life in the meantime!

Answer 9

If you expect him to act like a girl and talk about his feelings all the time, you're wrong. If you can recognize how men show their feelings in tangible, concrete ways, you'll have a much better chance at happiness.
If he doesn't meet your emotional needs, don't marry him. Don't be a woman who gets married knowing there's a problem, hopes it'll change, has kids, and divorces because she feels "the emotional intimacy is very much lacking."

Answer 10

Is he a real independent type fellow? Can he pretty much do everything but give birth to a baby? If he's of that caliber, then he is not marriage material. My ex was as I described, and I believe he married me to "look as a normal male" and appear as successful to his family. He also would only answer me with short words or statements and the intimacy was gone by the 3rd year. On the way down the aisle at my wedding, I was crying. Not tears of joy, but of fear and pending regret. I knew deep inside that I was making a mistake, but since $ had been spent, and everyone was there......I went forward with it.

If I remarry, I'm going to want to RUN with FERVENT JOY in my heart down that aisle! No looking back - no regrets. I'm going to find a communicator, someone who talks more than me, godly, patient and loyal.

If you have that little voice echoing over and over that something is amiss, then please listen. You know inside when you have a match or not. You both need to be equally yoked in all things. You situation sounds imbalanced. Ask him this:

WHY does he want to marry you? WHAT does he gain? Does he LIKE you and LOVE you? Does he just Love you or is he also IN LOVE with you? Big difference.

As I recall in a movie with Jimmy Stewart called "Shenandoah" in which it was the Civil War time, and a captain was interested in marrying Jimmy's daughter. Jimmy posed this question "Do you like Jenny, Sam?" and he responded, "I love her sir", and Jimmy said again, "I didn't ask if you loved her; Do you LIKE her, Sam?" And the young man was taken aback. Jimmy goes on to explain that when he first married his wife, he liked her. Yes, he liked her fine. Then one day, years later, it finally dawned on him that he LOVED his wife.

So, think things over and be 100% sure, or just call it off. It is, after all, your life, happiness and future, too.

Answer 11

Most men are not very open about their emotions. If you are waiting for him to just go on and on about how he is feeling, it is not gonna happen. I do think it is strange that he does not say he loves you and that he seems uncomfortable when you say it to him. Do not go ahead with the marriage until you are positive it is what you want.

I have the book love languages and my hubby has not read it, but he knows about it, because I shared about it with him. Break it down into simple terms for him. I told my hubby what each of the love languages are and asked him which ones made him feel most loved. Then I let him know what made me feel the most loved.

Men can be romantic and they can be talkative, etc..but typically they are not. We can expect things of them, but at the same time we need to not expect more of them then is reasonable. Men can't read minds they need us to tell them what we want...