My husband is apparently addicted to porn.?

Question

He actually lost his job of 20 years due to his problem, a year ago. I stuck with him though, because he expressed remorse. Yet since that time, I've confronted him on 4 seperate occastions now with evidence of porn sites that he's visited on the computer. Each time he expresses denial, then after being confronted with the evidence eventually he will agree that he did indeed visit the sites, and thinks that's the end of it. However this morning I found a total of 128 different porno movies he had watched on line in a matter of 3 weeks. He swore of his fathers grave and to god, that he hadn't been to any sites...and sure enough, he was bold face lying to me. Yet, he tells me how much he loves me, and I'm the best thing he's ever had in his life. I can't take this anymore, and due to legal ramafactions, I can't legally divorce without possibly having to move my children to another state to be closer to their father (which I do not want). I feel numb, no longer in love. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

This is actually a huge problem in this country, but it doesn't get diagnosed very often because it is hard to tell if someone has a problem unless they get fired or confronted by someone that cares about them.

Start doing things that he hates and if he asks you to stop then tell him you will stop when he does.

If that doesn't work then move on with your life. Just because you can't divorce does not mean that you can't move on. Find friends to go out with. Go to school. Get a job. Get away from him as often as you can. If he wants you back he will quit. If he doesn't you have a new life any way.

Answer 2

Porn is an addiction and he needs help. I went thru the same thing with my teenage son... magazines he had stolen, web sites. I finally banned him from the computer and he has talked to his counselor about this problem. It's been 8 months that my son has been "Porn Free". You need to put your foot down and stick with it. You mentioned your children. Do your children use the same computer that your husband uses? I only ask because a lot of the porn web sites stick viruses/spyware in your computer which causes porn pop ups which your children could end up catching a view of. Plus I read somewhere that a study was down on men/women that become addicted to porn can no longer have healthy, normal relationships. One guy couldn't even "perform" with a real life woman any longer.
As for it being a "phase"... I beg to differ! It is not a "phase"! Get him into counseling!

Answer 3

This is more than a phase....
128 "movies", or those little 10 second clips? Bit of a difference.....if a movie is 75 min long (most are) that's 9600 minutes in 3 weeks, or nearly 8 hours a day. Although, if he's unemployed.....
If he can't even hold down a job because of it it is a very serious problem. You need to have him in therapy and it needs to stop. He needs to stop it, not you. And if he won't, I'm sorry, but it's either porn or divorce. The fact that he lies to you so brazenly is disturbing. You have a huge problem here. I don't predict it will come out well, but I wish you the best.

Answer 4

I am in the same positon as you - right now as I write. :-(

I found out yesterday that my husband now watches porn at work on someone else's computer so that he is not implicated.
The only reason he has not been sacked is because it is his business and so noone can sack him.

We have been to counselling. He has been to a sex counsellor. All to no avail.

The greatest hurt is in the lying.

IF...IF he said to me that he wanted to look at porn or he wanted us to look at porn, although i think it's not for me i would at least haev somewhere to start BUT he says and acts on face value as if he understands why me, and all the counsellors say its a bad thing to be involved in - but he still goes on his merry way anyway.

So really , he doesnt agree with me or the counsellors - he's just not man enough to say that. And so he lies and lie s and lies. Which makes him the least admirable untrustowrth *** .... which of course make me not want to be anywhere near him and embarrassed to be hooked up with him.

A couple of years ago I discovered he had looked at child pornography sites. Even in counsellign he lied and said it was 'just once to see what it was all about'. But i know that not to be true - when pushed he admits it was ' a few times'. He 'agrees' it was r-ea-l-l-y bad ..... and says he would never do it again - but you know 1. what kind of person want sto look at that stuff at all ???? and 2. when a person lies to you so many times - they have no credibility. I feel sick to my core that i cannot trust him and dont honestly know where his interest / addiciton starts and stops.

Suffice to say - i told him our marriage was on teh line ... and our 2 year old deserves better - but apparently that made no difference (as per what I discovered yesterday)

The point of telling you all this is to say -
I1. I am not sure counselling will help a person who does not want to be helped.
2. It's hard to leave someone for something many ple now think is ok behaviour ( al a all the messages here from ple who seem to think if u just joined in all would be well)
3. Most ple do not appreciate the fact that this behaviour is about lying - so it could be gambling / sex / money - anything - but they are not capable of telling the truth and being in an honest relationship - and it is impossible to have any semblance of a decent relationship when one person bare face lies to you every day.
To tell you the truth - I am now hoping i find something more awful - I dont know how but I want to find out if he has been looking at child porn again - because then i will go to the police.

It is all about trust - and in my case (and I suspect yours ) the trust has gone.

For my 2 year - my heart breaks. He is a beautiful little boy who did not deserve a loser of a father.

Before all these people jump down my throat and say ' he looks at porn because of me " or ' he needs help - it is my duty to help' or ' he probably had a bad childhood" etc etc...
For the record - I was sexually abused as a child. As a young adult was very angry. I had never told a single person about my abuse until iwas 35 yrs old. Then I went to counselling for a number of years , even hypnotherapy - determined to be the person i wanted to be, be the best i could be, and to shake off bad experiences.

So my husband , liek yours , could be a better person if they wanted to be - they just cant be bothered.

For me - I am paralised at the moment. i want to go but havent quite built up the courage yet. I think it will only be a matter of time though. it is impossible to live with a person you cant trust. And really - what life is that for my child ???

I hope my thoughts help you - hearing your story and writing to has helped me a we bit. .

Answer 5

I am sorry for you having to go through this! As a woman- I think it is normal for men to look at porn. I think that all women should understand that men will always look at it and he most likely lied to you because he felt intimidated for some reason and felt that he needed to protect himself, which of course can and WILL get him into more trouble with you then it he just admits it. It does sound like it is more of a problem then most men have with it- it sounds like he may be a sex addict (i actually just saw a show on sex additicions on the discovery channel called Hypersexual Behavior, which you may want to look into)- If he has lost his job and it is hurting your marriage, it is definately a problem. You may need to somehow try to convince him that he needs professional help. If it is THAT bad, of course. Otherwise, I would normally suggest that you tell him you would be interested in watching it with him. It also doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. I am sure he does! I also think that you need to think that if it is an addiction that you should look into addictions and see what you should do to try and help him- afterall, you are his wife and should be helping him if that is what it in fact is. Good luck and sorry for the rant! Porn isnt necessarily a bad thing because men are so visually stimulated and looking @ other women is healthy for men.

-EA

Answer 6

I don't really understand the last part of your paragraph, but i think you are saying the kids aren't his.? Moving away is probably the best thing for you and your kids. He is a sex addict . There is no difference than any other kind of addict. He lost his job and put a strain on the family and he lies constantly. if you stay close you will be manipulated into staying with him. Enough is enough, get out and move on to a healthier way of life. God Bless

Answer 7

He needs counseling.

You may want to do the screaming attack or the seething resentment, but you sit him down and tell him that he can sleep in the basement.

If he cannot be hoenst about this, if he will not seek real help, if he feels that lying and lying and lying is OK, he can lock himself in a room and watch all the smut smack he wants; as far as you are comcenred, you no longer have a husband, but a pervert.

[I am hoping that the harsh talk will truly arrest his ideas. The only other option is to hide the PC tower. Just disconnect it and put it elsewhere]

Answer 8

Watching porn isn't a crime. One reason he is probably so attracted to it is because you are so in his face about it. I know very few men, including myself that don't enjoy porn. Instead of trying to catch him and ridiculing him for watching it, sit down and watch some with him as husband and wife. If you will accept it and not give him a reason to hide it from you, you will probably find that he won't feel the need to be so obsessed by it. You may also find that there is a sexual need, or fantasy that you can help him fulfill that will actually make your marriage stronger. Also, if you take this advice, the worst thing you can do is tell him it is gross or insult him in any way for anything he likes to watch or look at. Allowing him to be open and honest without critisizm is an important part of a strong marriage. For better or worse remember. I had a wife that jumped me about porn and was very closed minded. I am so glad to be away from her and with someone who shares with me and allows me to share with her, all my thoughts and feelings without prejudice.

Answer 9

1st you need to realize that his addiction to porn has NOTHING to do with you and or the relationship between the two of you.
2nd Don't listen to any jerky comments that are going to be posted on this question.
3rd Stop looking into the history of the computer, it will only torture you. Tell him he needs to clean the history out when he has gone to a porn site cause you don't want to accidentally open anything inappropriate when the kids are around or have the kids open anything bad.
4th Get some counseling for yourself so that you can get over any negatives thoughts that you have about your self because of this...
5th Once you are feeling better try to get him to go to marriage counseling or counseling on his own before you make the decision to leave him.

Answer 10

listen yolu love him before you knew that he did porn so much.. WHen you saaid your vowles you said for better or worse.. This is the worse if you are willing to go through the worse with him and tell him that it's okay and then you will get by with it.. he;s a guy let him explore is sexuality b/c if he doesn't do it there the thunk where else he would do it. Let him be free w/h his sexulaity and he'll let you be free with yours.. Just set some ground rules for it.. Like when is the best time to do it and when it's not and just think if he masterbates that much he's think of you alot b/c he oviosly loves you just that's the way he shows it..