How do you instill self-esteem in someone else?

Question

I'm married and I love my wife dearly, but she is constantly criticizing herself. She complains about her looks, weight, intelligence, etc. She has always accused me of wanting other women and comparing herself to others including her own sisters. I rebuttle her complaints with compliments and do my best to show her that she's the most important aspect of my life, but it doesn't seem as if she knows how to be positive. Is it possible to change someone's outlook and help them become more positive?

Answer 1

dont only compliment her when she's insulting herself. for no reason throughout the day, tell her how beautiful she is. just suddenly stop what you're doing and stare at her lovingly. when she says "what?" say "you are so beautiful, i can't believe i'm lucky enough to be your husband" and things like that. when she says something clever or smart, comment on it. never lose an opportunity to show her how much you love her. give her lots of hugs and just touch her for no reason. and never ever look at or comment on other women. over time, she will begin to believe you. or at least believe that somehow you believe it. i know it works because i used to be like your wife, i was crippled by my insecurity. but my husband (back when we were only dating) did all those things i told you to do. over time i slowly gained confidence. and now i'm so much better. i don't entirely believe him when he says i'm beautiful, but i believe that he sees beauty when he looks at me. it takes time though. lots of time. good luck. i really do hope that you can convince your wife.

Answer 2

This is a subject in which I can relate to. Many factors contribute to our self esteem. The way we were brought up, how we believe others see us, our successes our failures etc.. Basically, it comes down to this..we cant look to others to make us happy, we have to do that for ourselves. The most you can do is to be supportive and caring. When you catch her doing something well let her know she did a great job etc. It is quite possible that she is struggling with depression. Low self esteem and depression often go hand in hand. Maybe a therapist could help.

Answer 3

Yes, it is. If a person wants to improve a certain aspect of their life, they must establish a clear path of success. First, decide what you wish to accomplish, then design a path of progress. Finally, set short-term goals that will lead to the realization of the ultimate long-term goal. Help her do this and provide positive reinforcement along the way. She will gain more confidence and self-respect with each short-term goal that is accomplished. This system can be utilized in all aspects of life.

Answer 4

There's many things to try, and evidently you've tried many of them. Directly asking her a few things may help, but ultimately if she's kept this up for a long while now and shows no signs of getting out of it, then she may need to turn to self help books, support groups, or at most a professional in psychiatry.

But in my opinion, it sounds like she continuously goes on other people's opinions rather then her own, asking her why those opinions matter may show some light in this case.

Answer 5

No, it is called "self"-esteem for a reason. She has to prove and accept her own worthiness for herself. Just keep doing what you're doing and maybe someday she'll see how truly special she is.

On a side note, people who are overly self-critical have a tendency toward depression. If she is depressed, there are medical options that may help. The first step is diagnosis.

Answer 6

Not impossible but very tedious process that is very time consuming. I have a couple of friends I am helping right now with this very thing. It is a process. You have to figure out how that got to be that way and then help them retrain their thinking, all the while, complimenting them and things like that.

Be prepared to want to pull your hair out sometimes because you will feel like you are making progress, then something will be said to make you think you are back at square one.

But you have to remember this....she has to want to change. You cant make her if she is not ready. One of my friends enjoys the attention she gets from it, and since picking up on that, I kinda feed her with a long-handled spoon, but the other one is very determined so I help her more.

Answer 7

If you don't like yourself, then you will never believe that anyone else will like you. I have a friend that is drop-dead gorgeous, tall, thin blonde, was even Miss North Carolina at one time, has millions of $$, married to a great man who adores her, 2 beautiful children, and she does not like herself. She says that she was never good enough for her mother. Was your wife's Mom/Dad overbearing? Good luck.

Answer 8

Hold her in your arms as much as possible. Kiss her as much as you can. Be very gentle with her. When this things fail and you can't handle the situation,take her to a psichotherapyst. He will definately find a way to solve the problem.

Answer 9

You might be able to start with things that you know she thinks she does well and then build from there. Maybe there is something to show that everyone including yourself has self doubt.

Answer 10

all that should matter to her is that you, the husband, loves her, no matter what she looks like.if you have told her you love her no matter how she looks,she is obviously afraid how other people see her, when infact she should only care about how YOU see her. I know I am skinny and I am sef-concious about it but my b/f tells me he loves me the way I am.thats all I need to hear, now I dont worry about it.i only live for him.