My husband told me a little over a month ago that he wanted a divorce. At that point I didn't want one and I was completely crushed for a few weeks. I'm already feeling so much better, and then he has to come back and tell me how wrong he was and say he's sorry and he wants me to come back home. I know its very possible that maybe there was someone else during this time (that seems to be the popular belief) and that things will just be like they were before, which was very bad. He was very controlling and very mean to me. I still care about him and it upsets me to see him this way, because it's like we're reversed now- he's the one who's crushed, and I'm the one who's doing it. Any suggestions? I feel really bad about this.. it hurts me to see him upset.
Oh yea, and at times he was mean enough that I would consider it to be verbal abuse.
2006-12-08 03:28:47 · 28 answers · asked by ckp1234567 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Do you want to base your decision on a "popular vote"? Don't be silly! Nobody can advice you. It is your life; you know the good and the bad side of your husband; you know your feeling.
Nobody can and nobody should advice. It must be your decision. Don't listen to any advice, listen to your heart and your brain only.
2006-12-08 03:32:53 · answer #1 · answered by blapath 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen up. If this was a bad marriage what makes you think things will come up roses now? If He was abusive do you need to be subjected to this again? If you have children together a hostile environment is not the place for them to grow up in; that is how they learn about relationships and the vicious cycle never ends. They will end up with abusive partners or become abusers themselves, Not to mention the fact that your ex might decided to leave you again for another passing fancy. Then where will you be?
If you want this to work, and you think this marriage is worth saving then take the following steps:
1) DO NOT move in together right away.
2)Enrol in intensive couple therapy in order to identify and work out your issues.
3)Find out exactly WHY he wanted to divorce you in the first place and if he wants you back because he was dumped by his girlfriend.
4)Work on your self esteem. you are feeling better about yourself now. so make sure you know what you want and discover what really makes you happy, so that if you need to move on from this marriage you will find someone who will treat you well and respectfully.
Best of luck to you. Be well.
2006-12-08 11:42:58 · answer #2 · answered by artist-oranit.com. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only you can make the decision whether or not to go back because it's surely much more complicated than outlined above...but...I'd definately put the condition of marraige counseling for a period of time (like 2-4 times a month for a year) so you aren't stepping back into the same abusive pattern.
Also, if there is any substance abuse going on I'd have a condition about that ending immediately with outside help as well.
I'm not saying to take him back, that' up to you, but if you take him back have there be conditions on it that will hopefully improve the relationship.
2006-12-08 11:35:53 · answer #3 · answered by heart o' gold 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you think you should go back to him? Sounds like the marriage wasn't so good. Who cares if you are the one hurting him know?! Its about darn time! I have seen his type before and was married to his type before.....it never works! Get rid of him...tell him he was right to end the marage opps I mean marriage and that you couldn't be happier. Tell him flat out you refuse to take him back and watch his true colors come right back. There is no chance this guy will change. Verbal abuse is abuse and is sometimes worse than physical. Know in your heart and in your head your self esteem will come back (without him) thats why your feeling so much better already - you are starting to realize that you have a voice and that you are worth something! There are guys out there that will treat you like that as well....but you have to get rid of the loser to find them. Listen to Tori Amos Silent all these years....alot of people find it hard to try to understand what she is saying but something tells me you will get it. It became my hope song when I was going through the same thing! Keep strong and kick him to the curb once and for all.
2006-12-08 11:33:31 · answer #4 · answered by Tricia B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have to ask the question on here then obviously you want people to tell you what you already know. LEAVE HIM ALONE. He sounds like someone who thrives on drama, and you don't need it. Of course you still care about him, that is normal. It sounds like he treats you like crap, so why go back? Move on. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Why let him decide about the relationship?? Be strong and realize that you don't deserve it. Love is not about control or abuse. If he is verbally and emotionally abusing you now, it will turn into physical abuse if he knows that you are just going to take it. Let him treat someone else like ****. You will find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. Good Luck!
2006-12-08 11:34:33 · answer #5 · answered by 81% Naughty, 19% Nice 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The way he has been treating you is classed as domestic violence! Domestic violence doesn't have to physical!
If you have children you should get the hell out of there.
I understand your torn, you still have feelings for the man and you don't want to see him hurt.
But have you spoken to him about the way he has been treating you?
If you feel differently towards him, i believe its time to let him go and move on with your life. He can't pick and choose when he wants to be with u.
Deciding to have a divorce is a big decision!
All the best, my thoughts are with you!
P.s Its hard for me to give you advice, when i have minor mans problems of my own!(ex, not husband!)
2006-12-08 11:42:19 · answer #6 · answered by Charlotte A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think you should take him back (but ultimately the decision is yours). He have no right to make you feel the way he do and you should not allow him to make you feel that way. I am tired of men who feel like they can just drop women and pick them up as they please and we are suppose to be ok with it. If you take him back he may feel that its ok for him to do what he did and he can keep doing it and you will be ok with it. He may think if he breaks up with you again you will take him back because you did it before. If you really love him though and you think it is worth it, then I would say go to therapy.
If there are kids involved then I would say go to therapy for the sake of the kids and see what happens. If you noticed no change then get rid of his a**.
2006-12-08 11:52:11 · answer #7 · answered by hunny_b07 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
do you have children together?
well- the fact that you 'got over' your marriage in a month sounds to me like there wasn't much worth holding on to. I had a HORRIBLE marriage to a HORRIBLE man and it took me longer than a month to get to feeling better about it. Before giving up -you should both go to a therapist and try to work it out, if you can't at least you know you tried everything you could before throwing in the towel.
2006-12-08 11:29:46 · answer #8 · answered by razor_sharp_redhead 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It all depends on whether you can break the cycle of the abuse or not. I wouldn't rust back into anything. If you feel that you can break the cycle of the same old same old, then ask him to get into marriage counseling & find the new couple in you that won't repeat the same arguements as before...
2006-12-08 11:33:53 · answer #9 · answered by T. 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No...you should not go back to him. When he said that he wanted to get a divorce with you and it made you feel crushed that wasn't right. And if he felt that way at one point then you know your marriage was rocky. I think you should kick him to the curb and start fresh. Don't let him drop you and pick you up when he wants.
2006-12-08 11:33:11 · answer #10 · answered by [[.Nay.]] 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋