How can I get back the relationship I had with my daughter?

Question

My daughter was my life. She is now 16 and lives with her father. Her best friend told me she was doing drugs. So I court ordered a drug test. She passed the test but now hates me. She said that she never wanted to see me again that she hated me. This is killing me. How do I move on with my life and except the fact that my daughter hates me. This has alot to do with her father also. She has chosen him over me because of money. I divorced her father because he was a abuser and cheater I couldn't take it anymore. I feel like he is still winning and Im a loser. What do I do?

Answer 1

I know how you feel, I really do understand what you're going threw. We do everything we can in our power to keep our kids safe dont we. You found the strength to leave him and realized that you have a life worth living. Good for you! You are a survivor. This with your daughter will diminish over time. You have to realize that she will be seeing him soon for the man he truly is. She is at that perfect age of noticing that boys/men are idiots. And what teen dont hate their parents? I'm sure she is giving him a hand full also. She will come around because she will need you. What your job is now; is to show her that your door is always opened and by showing her that you need to go all out. Maybe write her a letter but in that letter do not put down her father just let her know how you feel about her alone. Take her for a long drive or bus ride, somewhere that she is confined to listening to you while you listen to her. You can start off with memories of when she was little etc. Whatever she says about her father say and do nothing just listen. Any teen will take it out of text when you talk about their parent. She will understand the divorce etc. when she gets older, right now no matter how mature anyone thinks she is she lacks wisdom.
Right now you showed her that you dont trust her, now is a good time to start building that trust back up while keeping your eyes wide open because anyone can pass drug tests now a days, especially ones they know they have to take. Maybe you can start a scrap book for her or a photo album, things that are memorible and she will cherish. By the way the only person that can win or lose here is her. Being the protective parent you are I am sure you will see to it that she will win. Good luck to you and never forget you are not alone. We all go threw the same things when we have teens.

Answer 2

You did the right thing to protect your daughter so don't feel guilty. She is 16 and that's what teens do. What she really hates is the authority that you were able to exert over her while she was away from you and because she thinks she is grown.
She will figure things out for herself one day. I know it is painful but just keep in touch with her. Send her cards and lil care packages. One day she will have her heart broken and the only one she will yearn for is her mom. Just be patient. I understand your anger with him and you were justified in divorcing. However, keep in mind that what happened was between you 2 and not between him and her. As long as he is being a good father then you must accept that although it doesn't seem fair when those who do wrong never seem to reap what they deserve. What goes around comes around and he can't keep doing bad things without it eventually coming back to him. Try to move on with your life and be successful and happy. Also, a hair folicle test would more accurately show if she had been using drugs. There are several things that a person could take that would make a drug test come out clean. Also, a urine test that doesn't have someone watching while they are doing it can allow for a person to slip bleach into the urine thus compromising the sample.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

First, stand by your conviction and the reason(s) why you had that drug test done. I'm not sure if you asked her before hand or if you just went and court ordered the test, but if you didn't talk to her before hand or the father---the court order was faceless and cold, regardless of how much you love her and the reasons behind the test. Honestly, she is probably doing drugs or experimenting in them and the court order caught her on a day where her tests would have been negative...she may also be telling others that she is doing drugs out of peer pressure(and not doing drugs)...and more than likely she is mad at you because you have caught wind of something. Trust your inner bell. You had been approached by a friend that was coming to you out of concern, for a reason. Communicate.

Aside from that, she is 16. She is trying to find herself and she has decided to break ties...more than likely she will return. You will have to work on this. Do you call her and talk to her? On a regular basis? Call. Leave messages of "I love you and I am thinking about you." "Merry Christmas! (or whatever holiday(s) you may be peculiar to)" For no reason but to try and remind her that you are there for her and that your love for her is unconditional. Try to take her to lunch, or do things with her! She may tell you no for a while, but spread out the invites and keep asking, don't give up. Don't become offended...be a mom and an adult. Just try to let the negative shards she may throw at you bounce off and move on. She doesn't understand yet the stress of parenthood, and it may not be until she is an adult that this will finally sink in. Be there for her...celebrate her birthday..achievements...tell her that she is a wonderful person, regardless of what direction life may take her.

Answer 4

When I made someone else my life, I lost my own.

You are powerless over your daughter and her father. The more you try to control or "help" the more she will resist and resent.

Your daughter doesn't hate you. She hates that you try to control her and she feels that you judge her and most likely everyone else. Besides the money, her father probably lets her do what she wants. He may not be so attentive to her and watching her every move, but she feels freer than with you.

Since your daughter is with her father, this is an excellent opportunity for you to work on yourself. I have found great help in Al-Anon and Naranon. When you learn to take care of yourself and stop controlling others or trying to change how they act and think, you become free. your daughter doesn't hate you, she is angry because she feels controlled and restricted by you. Taking it personally only makes you miserable. You don't hate her, do you? You love her and hate what she is doing to herself.

Life is not a competition where some win and others lose, unless you make it so. Life is for you to experience what you choose. If you choose to be a victim filled with self-pity, you will be. If you choose to have an attitude of gratitude, you will find wonder and joy in each day.

Answer 5

You did what was right. As a mother, you have the right to look out for your daughter. You have a responsibility to make sure she is not doing anything illegal (1) and harmful to herself (2) until she reaches adulthood.

Divorces will always pit one parent against the other, even years after the fact. The kids will use their parents to get their way and will play off each parent until they get what they want.

It is not a new concept, but it sounds like your daughter has learned to play the band very well.

Remember this, she is a teenager. Did you really like your parents when you were 16? She is going through that rebellious stage. She may think you stepped on her toes and hurt her feelings, but someday, she will understand why you did what you did.

You are doing the best you can. If she doesn't want to be responsive, that is her choice. You did the right thing getting out of the bad situation your marriage was. No kid wants their parents to get divorced. In a kid's eyes, their parents are perfect until proven otherwise. A divorce shatters that perfect image. But, you have to live your life and you have to be happy. Someday she will learn this fact, too.

Keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing. (Or did I say that already?)

Answer 6

There isn't much you can do at this point to make her understand. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you. There will come a time when she needs you. Continue to do what you do as a mother, call and check on her, attempt to do things, whatever it takes. Don't ever give up on your child. Even though she is 16, she is still a child and obviously has been through alot. Allow her to be herself and just let her take some time to cool down. If you honestly think there is a concern about drugs....really keep an eye out. But don't push her away. She will come around.

Answer 7

Just keep on loving her! Go and buy a card and let her know how much she means to you and tell her all the things you need to say. Also, that someday when she is a mother, she will know why you requested a drug test. She may still be mad, but the words you put down, she can always look at it and think about it. Someday she will be old enough to understand. Being a mom is the hardest job there is. Especially to a teenager. No matter how much you dislike her father, never say anything bad about him in front of her. Always carry yourself in love and in class. When she is past her pain, she will look back and remember your actions. Stay strong Mom and keep on loving her unconditionally.

Answer 8

If you do something to better your daughters life you are a GREAT MOM! No matter what she does, it sounds like you love her very much to worry about her well being. Continue doing what you are doing sooner or later she will see that, it may take some years. I use to tell my mom that I hated her at that age too but now I can see that she was doing the best for me even though I didn't think so at the time. I love my mother very much and thank God for her that she cared enough to get involved with my life. Good Luck

Answer 9

That's a tough one. Have you tried to get her father to talk to her and see if he can make her understand? It's worth a try. Also, her being the age she is, she may settle down and dot feel so badly towards you. You might just give her some time and see waht happens. I would contact her best friend and ask her why she told you she was doing drugs and see if she would call you daughter and clear things up. That's a start, but time may heal all. Good luck.

Answer 10

First of all. DO NOT order a drug test on your daughter without consulting her first! Hearsay is terrible! Girls that age are all talk! This sounds JUST like me and my mother. I promise, she is just going through a rebellious stage. She loves you very much, and will one day realize how horrible her father is, and that you do everything in your power to support her. My mother and I are still battling it out, but I think the world of her, and will never speak to my father again. I wish you the best of luck! She'll grow up, and you'll be there for her.