Wondering, is it over or not?

Question

I have been married 12 yrs, I had a one time fling with a woman 4 yrs ago ( oral only ) it was a terrible mistake and I wish I could take it back, it meant nothing and wasnt going to go anwhere. A month ago my wife told me she still loves me but isnt in love with me anymore and wants a divorce. She says she can't forgive me for what I did. She says she still wants me to live in the house to help pay the bills and be there for our 2 kids. She even said we could occassionally have sex. I dont think this would work but she does. How can she expect me to stay there if she doesnt want to be married to me? I have asked her several times to go to counciling and she refuses, saying she doesnt want the councilor to put all the blame on her for my mistake. Does her wanting me to stay and occassionally giving me sex sound like someone that wants a divorce? It is very confusing to me. Right now she is very bitter towards me, but she still wants show affection towards me at times.

Answer 1

It sounds to me like she just wants you to hang around and give her money and baby sit--I'd say no way to that. Give her this option: She can go to counseling with you and you two can work on your trust issues, or2 ) she can move out and file for divorce. And let her know that you will keep the kids b/c that's their home and they deserve to live there. She's in or out--no middle ground here.

You might also ask her where she got her mind-reading degree to know what the counselor is going to say before you even go. (I'd like to go get one of those since she's so smart)

Answer 2

Well...since she said that she still wants you to foot the bills, stay with the family and even have sex once in awhile...obviously she havent gave u up completely. Take this period of time to show her(not tell) that u are sorry for what you've done, try(if possible) to talk to her (whether she listens or not...but mostly she acts like shes ignoring u when shes dying to know what u've got to say) This time round, u must really assure her (as in physically) that nothing like that would ever happen again...(again...this needs time) Hopefully, she'll come around, dont expect her to say "I forgive u" though...the most u can wish for is for her to just ignore this fling u had...mayb in time u guys will be like grandparents telling ur children what happened..so on...

Answer 3

I think that too many people have confused love with lust. The concept of being "in love" is really a load of crap. People feel attraction to each other, they build a friendship and then there is the concept of comitting to each other.

Your wife says she is not "in love" but really I think she is just pretty mad at you right now and wants some distance. She is struggling to do what is best for the family, I commend her for that. Too many divorces happen at this stage and she is trying to find a way to see it through.

I think you ought to go ahead and set up a conseling appt, go without her if she won't attend. Keep inviting her and hopefully she will one day go. I think it will mean a lot to her that you are trying so hard.

Answer 4

You're between a rock and a hard place. Here is what's probably going on in her head:

She knows that both her and the children will have it rough without your financial support, so she wants you to stay for that. Plus, she probably believes that having a father figure around will be good for the children.

As far as the sex goes, people coming out of divorces tend to find themselves missing the intimacy they shared with their previous spouse. You have to remember that it takes a lot of time to reach the point you two have in your relationship, and she is scared to start over. So she is clinging to you still. This won't last forever though if she is serious about not being able to forgive you, because she will eventually move on. Besides, the sex is an incentive for you to stay as well.

What you choose to do is up to you. If you stay, you "might" have a chance of getting her to fall in love with you again (if you don't push things too hard). If you go, you'll be able to move on with your life, and her with her own life.

Answer 5

If it's over, get a divorce and go your separate ways. And how in the world did your wife find out about your indiscretion? Please don't say you told her. After four years, she's just using that as it's a done issue. Her wanting you to stay means just what she said; she wants you to pay the bills. At least separate and see if that works out before any final decisions are made.

And guys, please don't say it was "oral only" and "it meant nothing"; if that were true, it never would have happened. Grow up and take responsibility.

Answer 6

This is very interesting. I wonder if there isn't something going on behind the scenes on her end. Based solely on the information you've provided it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore "in that way", and that she wants to buy financial security from you by way of occasional sex. Granted there isn't a lot of information for me to go on, but this is very feasible, particularly if she doesn't work or if your income greatly outweighs hers (or her potential for income).

My suggestion is to communicate in depth. Counseling is a wonderful idea, but if she is unwilling, then there is a deeper problem. Perhaps there is a mutual friend that would be willing to take an objective role as mediator. Not to judge or assign responsibility but rather to keep the flow of communication during sessions amicable and organized. The bottom line is that without communication, your efforts to salvage the relationship will be in vain.

If you do end up in divorce, my suggestion is to go your separate ways, but try to make the process as friendly as possible. Making it ugly will only be harder on you, her, and your children, and will likely spell financial problems too. Try to come up with a mutual agreement before going through with proceedings.

I hope you guys can talk about it though. Mistakes happen.
Good luck!

Answer 7

It means she still wants you, but wants to hurt you too, as if to show you how much hurt she feels.

She cant decide becuz she still wants you around and is afraid of loosing you.

My advice: tell her your sorry, admit that you know she's hurt by what you did, and say you'll try to help her heal. Say, you feel pain already by knowing how STUPID you were to do that to here and tell her reasuringly that you still want her, that why you left that other woman.

also, really admit it. Cheaters always cheat. Break the spell and keep your promise. Its not easy for a woman to except their love back after so much pain, so do your bit ok?

Answer 8

When I was married & seperated for sometime, my x had moved back home with his family. I offered him several times to move back into my home & we can take care of our family together. But he choose to stay. I told him we would never sleep in the same bed again but could share a home together & date others.
1yrs ago he was in a very bad accident almost died. I offered him to move back with me & he didn't have anything to do but play Mr. Mom until he gets better. He stay with his family. (when i say his family I am not talking of my childern. I am speaking of his mother & father, brothers & sisters)
I felt it could have worked for our friendship & our children. I wasn't stopping him from dating & hope he didn't have those plans on stopping me as well. We were great friends up until these he had gotten better. but that is something much different...

It could work if you both want it to. Do it for the kids. If things don't work then sell the house & seperate.

Answer 9

In your marrage you thought it was cool to have casual sex with another woman and yes oral is sex why can't you do it with your wife.

If she can't trust you its your fault because you put your self in that situation. She proberly don't want the counceler to put the blame on her for your mistake because thats what you been doing.

There is no love with out trust and you broke that

Answer 10

This plan she has for yall to live together and still have ocasional sex but still get divorced WILL NOT WORK. Sounds to me like she wants a divorce but is scared of making it on her own so she has come up with this STUPID plan that I promise will not work. She also is coming up with this plan I think because she is trying to protect the kids from the reality of DIVORCE....