My married daughter has lived out of state for 8 years. The grandkids are now 3 and 6. We were never on great terms, but civil, due to long story from college days, etc. My husband and I can never "win" with her. We have been told not to take things out on the kids. so I remember all birthday,s holidays, etc. We never hear a word. We are in Ohio , and she is in Oregon. It seems a losing goal, we can't gain ground with her. We feel she is not allowing the kids to get to know us, even long distance. She never calls, or nothing. No pictures through the internet of the kids or no contact at all when it comes to our celebrations. We are in our 60's now and anything could happen. On our end, we have put past behind us, but it seems she is holding on to it. We think drinking and maybe other addictions could be a part of her behavior. We went through all that during high school years. She estranged herself from us druing college and we have very little contact,We are blamed!!
2006-12-08 01:58:35 · 14 answers · asked by sequim2005 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thats a tough situation. I would definitely not send money or any gifts for your daughter. But your grandkids are innocent and if you want to send them toys for their birthdays, (provided you can afford to do so), thats up to you. Don't feel obligated, adn don't expect anything from your daughter, even acknoledgement. At this point, you can't expect her not to blame you based on your history; don't waste time or energy trying to win points with her, she sounds hopeless. Have you tried calling them? I'm sure you have; but perhaps give that another shot. And gifts for the kids are certainly optional at this point, but a nice gesture. Sorry about the situation you're in!
2006-12-08 02:24:38 · answer #1 · answered by cartmansmom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's what I did with asimilar problem. Now for birthdays and Christmas I send each child a $10.00 gift certificate and then put $40.00 dollars in a savings account for that child not to be had by that until that child is 18. By the way my $10.00 gift certificate is always to either border book store oe a big chain book store in their town. I, in the past have bought nice gifts in the past and sent them to Ohio from Mich never to be thanked nor, have I ever seen the child with the gift I sent . I suspect the mother takes the gift back for a refund for her own self. I let each grandchild know exactly how much is in their account each birthday or Christmas. Now there is no need for a thank you from the mother and I'd rather have my grandkids picking out something from a book store then some plastic crap that won't last a month and soon be forgotten. Good luck
2006-12-08 02:27:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who Dey! i'm in ohio yes but don't send her anything the kids are not being ungrateful. And more importantly god is watching her you should tell her how you feel that you want to put the past behind you and not too much more some people never get over things love the kids with all of your heart even if you don't feel loved it is really a good idea to go see and find out where things stand because face to face is a good way to see if a person is sincere more than the mail or the phone don't be afraid if she try's to hurt you god is watching!!
2006-12-08 02:09:29 · answer #3 · answered by tanya26c 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Continue to be good grandparents......regardless of how petty she is, you are doing the right thing. She will eventually come around, but the grandchildren shouldn't feel neglected. Keep on doing what you are doing. Call her, you are still her parents, let her know that you are getting older and that life holds no guarantees. Don't give up! No matter how rude or cruel she may becomes, keep trying. You are justified in believing that she may have a form of addiction. Her behavior is full of anger. Make sure the kids are not in harms way, though. You can call child services to make a home visit to check on them. Good Luck!
2006-12-08 02:18:12 · answer #4 · answered by stacey h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear that your daughter behaves so badly. She does not want you to take itout on the kids but she is doing exactly that. When the kids are older they may want to find you. I would send things that can be logged or saved on your end soyou can prove to the children that you love them. HAve you tried once again to ask her what the kids need or want to see if that would make a diffeence? It is hard I know I only get to see two of my granddaughters once a year for 5 mintes and they live only a couple of hours from me. They are going to be moving a couple of hours further and I probably wont even get the once a year. I will pray for change in your daughter best of luck.
2006-12-08 02:09:00 · answer #5 · answered by wolfy1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Hallie. You are sending the gifts for the grandkids, and even though they should be learning to write thank you notes, you have to just take it on faith that they are appreciating the gifts. Your daughter is not treating you very well, and this is sad. I think you should send the gifts for the grandkids' sake and hope that you might someday have a reconciliation with your daughter. It is a selfless, thankless gift, but it may be the only way to keep a connection with the grandchildren.
2006-12-08 02:08:55 · answer #6 · answered by braennvin2 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sending gifts seems just like going through the motions so that you can say you tried. Go visit, specifically to spend time with the kids, that's the only way you'll bond with them. Take the train, make it a quarterly trip, see the sights each season, turn it into something fun, when the kids get older, maybe you can take them home for the summers, they'd love a train ride.
2006-12-08 02:12:19 · answer #7 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to hear of your plight. The one thing I hope is that she actually gives the gifts to our grandchildren.
I don't know what happened during her college years, but it sounds pretty bad. Hopefully, one day, she will see that you are trying to make a concerted effort to be a part of her life, and that you have left things in the past.
She may never come around. You have to be prepared for that. Her children, though deserve to know who their family is, and I feel she is being completely selfish in not sharing anything about them with you.
I know things look bleak, but stay positive. Keep doing what you are doing. You know the old saying, "Better to kill them with kindness". If your grandchildren are to ever know you, you want them to know that you never gave up on them, even though your daughter kept them from you.
Good luck, and God Bless
2006-12-08 02:22:07 · answer #8 · answered by bux_martinfan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep sending the gifts! I would talk or write to your daughter and tell her that you would like to get to know your grandchildren. Let your daughter know that you are ready to forgive and forget when it comes to your relationship with her. I would also tell her that if she is not ready for a relationship with you that is fine, but tell her that you will like to be able to talk to your grandchildren on the phone or internet, write them letters, and visit with them. If she comes around to letting you have contact with them, maybe she will let them come to your home for an extended visit in the summer. Good luck and God Bless.
2006-12-08 02:56:49 · answer #9 · answered by Aumatra 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I congratulate u for being the bigger person...i personally would stop sending them to her, but still get them and hold on to them so when the grandkids get older and try to find u then u will have proof that u tried to keep in contact with them..good luck
2006-12-08 02:09:56 · answer #10 · answered by Michele 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋