My husband has recently been trying to get me to sleep with other guys and him at the same time.. a threesome i guess. he says it turns him on to see me having sex with someone else. now he want to start trying to find other couples..... what should i do?
2006-12-08 00:13:58 · 36 answers · asked by Nicki M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Where did his cuckold fetish come from? Like many fetishes, his cuckold thing is most likely a subconscious, erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. Think of women -- hip, together, progressive, feminist women -- who act out rape fantasies; think of the homosexuals -- hip, together, out homosexuals -- who dress up like soldiers, cops, firemen and other stereotypically violent homophobic types.
So women fear rape, yet some develop a fetish for it. Gay men fear violent homophobes, yet some dress up like violent homophobes. And what do many straight men fear? Being cheated on, of course, and dealing with that particular brand of sexual humiliation. Your boyfriend has, consciously or subconsciously, eroticized his fears around your cheating on him.
Cuckolding may seem like some sort of brand-new fetish, but it's not. We're hearing more about it now because of the Internet. But while straight women have long been free to share and explore their rape fantasies with their male partners, and gay men can share their homophobe fantasies with each other, married straight men into cuckolding have a harder time of it. A rape fantasy, however charged, or a homophobe fantasy, however comical, is easy to realize. ("Hold me down." "Wear this uniform.") A cuckold fantasy, on the other hand, is infinitely more complicated. Not only does the wannabe cuckold have to talk his partner into it, he also has to find a willing third. It wasn't until sites like www.cuckoldplace.com and www.adultcommunitiesonline.com/ourhotwives came along that cuckold fetishists -- or "cucks," as some insist on calling themselves -- were able to create a community of sorts, put a name to their desires, and swap tips on broaching the subject with their wives and girlfriends.
Like scat or hardcore sadism, cuckolding is "a fetish too far," meaning it's not a fetish your husband has a right to expect that you'll indulge. As the stakes are high, emotionally and physically, the wife has to wanna or it's off the table.
So, you have a right to say, "You have to drop this. It's terribly upsetting to me. You can fantasize about it whenever you like, but this isn't something I'm ever going to be able to do for you." Then, for the sake of your marriage, he has to promise not to bring it up. You, for your part, have to promise not to obsess about what might be going through his mind when you two do have sex.
2006-12-08 00:19:29 · answer #1 · answered by They call me ... Trixie. 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, tough situation. I should preface this by saying that finding a good marriage counselor (or even sex-therapist, if such a person is available to you) might be a good idea.
Other than that, I'd say you need to first understand why he's started being interested in this. Is he just bored with sex? Is there a deeper unhappiness with the relationship?
It may be that there are other ways to satisfy him that don't involve bringing other people into the mix.
Second, is it something you'd be willing to consider? Talk about this with your husband so that he knows exactly how you feel about it. It'll be a tough discussion but if you're both open and honest with eachother it will make things a lot (LOT!) easier in the long run. And when you do make sure you talk about all the consequences of the reality of this. Good questions to ask are....
- What if you get a sexually transmitted disease?
- What if you get pregnant by the other guy(s)?
- What if it changes how you feel about eachother?
- Who would it be with? If it's someone you know and have a relationship (however casual), or even just someone in your local community, there are significant risks of damaging your relationship with that person, or your standing in your community.
While this is not an uncommon fantasy for many men, it's one that is often better left unrealized. The reality can be far different from the fantasy. Once the fantasy has been fulfilled... then what?
I'll just leave it at that. There are a lot of factors that go into this, or it may be as simple as, "I just don't want to". In either case, the best thing you can do is have that open, earnest discussion with your husband. Either you'll agree to give it a try ("whee!"), or you'll find some other way to satisfy him ("*whew*").
(BTW, it's pretty cool that your husband is comfortable talking to you about this stuff. A lot of couples can't even do that. :-/)
2006-12-08 00:38:39 · answer #2 · answered by br00fa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you're not comfortable about it, why go and follow? Where is the respect here? I just want to ask, did you follow him with his idea to have a threesome? If you did, there's no question why he thinks it's ok if you do it with a couple...But if not, you have stood up and said no, why not for the next?
Marriage is supposed to be a union of two people who love, respect and recognize each other's weaknesses and strengths. If your husband still loves and respects you, i don't he should not be doing any of these...does he really want to watch you having sex with someone else. Maybe, if he caught you having an affair, he would be glad to welcome the guy in your house. I don't think it is still normal, you know. If you still have the decency and respect for yourself, try not to go along with his crazy ideas. Or everybody else here will think there's no point for help if you liked your husband's idea after all..
2006-12-08 00:28:08 · answer #3 · answered by nozmiat 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
EEW. Put your foot down and tell him no. It's your body! There's something seriously wrong with that. Have you ever thought he wants to have a threesome with another GUY because he's a little bi? No offense but think about the episode of Friends when Ross' first wife wanted a threesome with another girl and looked at what happened....
2006-12-08 01:10:42 · answer #4 · answered by sunstargoddess86 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you do is go and get every information you can on AIDS and all the facts how you can easily misuse a condom and end up infected and if that doesn't give him the message say hells no Im not doing it and get over it you are a pervert and that turns me off.. WHAT IS WITH MEN THIS DAYS.. tell your husband you are willing to try anything that envolve just the two of you and that you want him to stop this sick fantasies at once or keep them to hisself... good luck
2006-12-08 00:19:46 · answer #5 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How does he know it turns him on .... has he seen you having sex with someone else??? ... Maybe the thought of you doing it ...but that's not the same
If you're not comfortable with the idea ..... there are two options ... he starts behaving himself ... or you leave his perverted a*s
You have a say in this matter ... and a very strong one ... don't be putting up with anybodies crap
Good Luck :)
2006-12-08 00:18:38 · answer #6 · answered by Ruthie Baby 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was in the same boat over 2 years ago.......Now I am separated from my husband of 12 years. It started of as just fantasies, he would talk about it when we were having sex and then he started pressuring me to do it for real. After awhile I got sick of hearing about it and let him have his way. We became swingers and it took over our lives, we would fight everyday. In the end I left him for the man that I was seeing every Friday night for a year. I laugh about it now.......My Ex got what he deserved......Tell your Hubby that if he doesn't love you and wants a divorce then swinging is the right step. SWINGING=DIVORCE
2006-12-08 03:40:03 · answer #7 · answered by mysticmoons2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you at least asked your Mother why she dislikes Islam,if your father is a Muslim perhaps she has some insights into the religion that you will never get elsewhere. Everything I have found about Islam leads me to believe it is a repulsive ideology,but that's just me. Some people like oppressive ideologies. Obama666
2016-05-23 06:16:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are not comfortable with the idea then cleary state your feelings. He cannot make you do this. If he is unhappy with that then he needs to work on it. If he continues to pressure you and bring it up then tell him that if he loved you, he wouldn't keep sugggesting that you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
One thing though is if he is really persistent about it and you refuse, he may go somewhere else to get what he wants. If he does that then you shouldn't stay with him.
2006-12-10 04:06:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stand your ground and tell him NO. If he insists on you being with other men then tell him that you are starting the divorce proceedings to enable you to do that free and clear. He needs to quit watching porn and to join a sexaholics support group for his addiction. He will just continue to degenerate in his desires in order to keep up the level of stimulation he wants. Sorta like drugs. How long will it be before he brings in other women?
Stick to your guns girl and nip this quick!
2006-12-08 01:40:15 · answer #10 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋