How would you take this if your bf said this to you?

Question

One night while at work I was inappropriately touched by a male coworker. He was a new guy, and I never really talked to him. I dont know why he did it, but the incident was severe enough that he was fired. So, of course I was very upset after the incident and went home at 3am and woke up my bf to tell him about it. I was crying and very upset. Well his reaction was very surprising. First he kind of smiled at me, almost laughing, then he said "What are you making? You had a similar problem last year, and now this, what are you doing?" Well to me it sounded like he was blaming me so I freaked out and told him he couldnt possibly love me if he thinks this of me. I asked him over and over if he thought it was my fault, but he wouldnt answer me. Later on the next day, he told me I misunderstood him and that he meant that I'm a nice person and why do guys do this to me. What do you think he meant, do you think he is just covering up for accusing me, or did I overreact?

Answer 1

Nobody can read his mind and figure out what he meant in the beginning when you told him.

It sounds to me like he didn't see what the other people as the serious offense you saw it (and most people see it) as. I don't think he was as much blaming you as he was underestimating how serious the incident was in reality for you.

So in the beginning I don't think it sounded like anything but what I said, and maybe he was kind of uncomfortable about not knowing what to say and did the smiling/laughing thing. He may even have thought if he made light of it you'd see it wasn't all that serious. So that's the benefit of doubt part of my take on this.

If you sailed into him verbally the night before I can understand he may not want to talk about it that soon - so a little more benefit-of-the-doubt.

Maybe its true that he was more saying a kind of "just your luck" and "how perplexing" type of comment as opposed to being suspicious that you're doing some mysterious thing to invite the problem.

You may want to point out to him that the guys a person works with at a job that involves getting home at 3:00 a.m. are very likely to be jerks. Maybe you could point out there it could be the circles you travel in and not something you do.

I don't think you overreacted because you were upset, and anything kind of goes in that circumstances. I do think you overreacted in terms of his reaction. Guys often don't know how to react when women are assaulted, have miscarriages, have whatever else women have go on.

He probably meant what he said he meant. There's a chance there was a hint of geniune wondering if you're doing something; but if he's usually not someone who'll blame you for other stuff he's probably not doing it this time. (When guys are blamers they often blame women for things like the price of gas, bumpy roads that make the car ride rough, Christmas, etc.)

I think your boyfriend just didn't know how to react in this one instance. If you start to see more of the same then maybe you can see him differently, but for now I don't think you have much to be upset about.

Answer 2

You havent done anything wrong, theres no need to over react. It was early in the morning and his brain was probably not awake enough to hear the situation clearly so he mumbled out an answer which he thought was clear enough, he smiled because he was happy to see you home, he loves you. The following day he would have more of a chance to address the situation and to understand what you where talking about as you did wake him up in the middle of the night.

Answer 3

Sounds like he thinks you encourage this reaction from men. I think he was just sleepy and trying to lighten up the situation and get a little jealous dig in at the same time.

Now that it's cooled down sit down with him and calmly ask why he thinks this happens to you. Be quiet and let him talk without defending yourself. You'll find out if he truly was talking without thinking the other night or if he believes you are too friendly with men and give the wrong impression.

Answer 4

Well to be honest I think you took his messege way to literal. If you woke him out of a dead sleep to tell him this 1) he is apt to reply without thinking 2) maybe he said what he meant and you took it the wrong way or 3) maybe he was trying to compliment you ...

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was almost raped at work in Kansas and when she went home to tell her boyfriend he said well baby your just so sexy. He didn't mean it as an insult or to accuse her, he just meant literally that she is sexy so it didnt surprise him that someone would try to do that to him. Does that make him a bad person? No, that makes him proud of what he has!!

Answer 5

Ur absolutely right for telling him that he don't trust u enough! take a strand stand of what have u said and make him realize that if he is Ur man and Ur support-system, he should be upset about the incident and doing something about it..rather than accusing u.

Answer 6

I think that it was three in the morning, saw his girlfriend that he loves crying and wanted to try and lighten the mood by trying to be funny. Since it was three in the morning, he probably wasn't thinking that clearly (at least I don't at that time) and just said the first thing that came to his mind. It wasn't a good idea what he said, but he said it and can't take it back. Trust your boyfriend until his actions give you a really good reason not to trust him. Suspicion and resentment never helps a relationship; it only poisons it. I know unfortunately.

Answer 7

For the record, I would've flipped out the way you did. It's one thing that you were harassed at work but for your boyfriend not to believe you would piss me off also!
However, go easy on the guy. Perhaps sit down and explain to him that the incident was bad enough but him questioning whether you brought the advances on yourself is something that you will not tolerate him saying. But the key thing is to explain it all to him. Explain how it's not a good feeling when some guy puts his hands on you. Break it down to the smallest denominator for him (he's a guy and we like things in their simplest form).
Trust me, once he sees how it made you feel--he'll sympathize with you and set about making sure it never happens again.

Answer 8

odds on you are a friendly girl and some men when faced with such a person automatically think you are interested in them,,it is unfortunate you have had this twice but who,s problem is it really? theirs,,you never said 'touch me',,but some men are prats and anything from a smile to a playful nudge can get you in trouble,,,,my advice............get to know people before you speak openly,it is ok to keep people at arms length until you feel comfortable they are not a complete nutter,you dont need them to like you,,you dont know them yet!

Answer 9

I think he felt mad at you that day but later he thought that he was overdoing by accusing you ..maybe you just misunderstood him as he said ...
It's clear he didn't mean to accuse you and you really didnt overreact..forget about it and never talk about this incident to him again and again .

Answer 10

I have been married only for a few months, but I learned onething really quick...don't even attepmt to have a serious talk with your bf when you wake him up from sleeping. People tend to be crabby and quick with their answers when all they want to do is go back to sleep.