My wife had a affair with my best friend.?

Question

Im 21 and my wife is 20. We have 2 kids a 3 yr old boy and a 1 yr old girl. We have been married 4 yrs I was 17 she was 16. A few weeks ago I found out my wife was having a affair for 1 - 1 1/2 yrs with my best friend of 14 yrs. We are trying to fix the marriage but there are things that I just can't get over. 1st is that for that year she didn't care about me enough to be faithful she wasn't the only one unhappy but I stayed strong and didn't jump ship. 2nd is that during the time she was having the affair I was working my butt off trying to save the marriage and do everything to make her happy that she had complained about only to be meet with unsatisfaction and rejection from her Im still doing the same so why is it good enough now but wasn't then? 3rd is that the affair had stopped for a few months and durring that time we were doing great but the day before I found out she did it again so that throws out the reason of cheating because our marriage sucked. Need some outside input.

Answer 1

I can answer this by experience. Although I didn't cheat on my husband whenever he worked constantly, I did feel abandoned, especially when he rubbed it in my face about how he was the bread winner. Sometimes when you're in the heat of feeling something, you forget how the other person could feel. Your wife forgot about your feelings, and you've sort of forgotten hers. Let me add that I am the mother of two children, ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. It can be very stressful, especially if she has limited contact with other adults. If she did feel abandoned, she probably felt devoid of emotions and love, almost like a dried up bone. After a while, she probably got a compliment or two from your best friend and absorbed those compliments like a thirsty sponge. Once that "sponge" begin to fill to the point it could hold no more, all of that feeling was there for him, not you. A fact is, women usually cheat because they are over the relationship and ready to move on, just not sure how to move on; whereas men cheat for the sex but still want a relationship with the one they love. She probably feels as though you've somehow controlled her life more than she has. She needs to accept that this was a decision between both of you to become parents, twice over. Also, with the age you two were, it's obvious that your brains weren't finished maturing--the reasoning centers of the brain are always the last parts to mature, sometimes not even maturing until midtwenties. If you call around, you'll find most states have free marriage counseling. That's always worth a try. It's a very common thing for people to cheat and although it doesn't excuse her actions, if you understand the reason behind those actions better, you can forgive her rather than just the two of you throwing shots at each other. If she doesn't want to do it for you or for herself, she should do it for her children. Best wishes!

PS: Regardless of what some people have said on here, you don't want to do the same thing back to her. Why would you throw out your morals just because someone else did something stupid? After all, if this relationship doesn't work, you still want to be an amazing man for a female that would truly appreciate it instead of a man that degraded himself over another female's stupid decision.

Answer 2

I have a feeling your wife hasn't been straight with you about the details of the affair. You have a one and a half year old, so she may have... Well, that child could possbly not be yours. Cheaters have a tendency to minimize the damage, and telling you that the baby isn't yours would spell disaster for her reputation and the chances of you sticking around to support her. Does your friend have a job? I'm guessing he wasn't working his butt off since he had time to mess around with your wife all that time. I know everyone deserves a second chance, but I don't see how someone could forgive this. I mean, she was cheating for almost half the marriage, and chances are, she's deeply emotionally invested in him at this point. Actully, there was probably a long emotional affair period, and those months during which they took a break... They were probably emotionally cheating then. Oh, and you know who you are--please spare me this BS about her being upset that you controlled her life. Your friend would have probably reacted in the same way if he had a wife who didn't work while he paid all of the bills. You didn't make her have children nor did you make her marry you. Like most cheaters, however, she will put it all on you, and demand that this friend be tossed out of her life. If it was me, I would let her go off with your sorry excuse for a friend who is probably the father of your youngest child. Like most other men, he'll leave her in the dust, and since he fooled around with her for almost two years, he would never be able to trust her. If she comes back to you, let her dangle because if she's really serious about making up, she would wait until you can get yourself together. If she's not truly remorseful, don't be surprised because most cheaters aren't really sorry about what they do. Oh, and beware: she might try to take the affair undergrond. You don't just stop sleeping with someone without going through a "I miss the high" feeling. They were creeping around for about your marriage, so it's very much a part of her now.

Answer 3

Dude, that is a heavy question. Know this that you didnt do anything wrong and no matter what you do you won't be able to change her. And this is just me but how will you ever be at peace while your still with her. I mean if that was me I would go nuts every time she wasnt in my sight. Do yourself a favor get out man really. This marriage is lost. You know I always thought if I cheated on my wife what would my kids think of me. How could I live with myself. You are in the position to control your own life and no matter what you cannot change the person she is. Just try to do right by your kids and find someone worthy of your loyalty. The same goes to your friend, he stopped being your friend the minute he contemplated having an affair with your wife.

Answer 4

The first thing you need to do is tell your friend to f**k off and never call you or speak to you again.
I know this is going to be hard. I to got married young but you
need to ask yourself: CAN I FORGIVE HER? WILL I EVER TRUST HER AGAIN?
You deserve to be happy and you aren't. The children can detect things, no matter how little they are at the time, you don't want them to grow up in a unhappy home, I hope.
You are both young and will find love again but this isn't working out and you need to separate for awhile and see what happens without each other. Do not make the mistake and stay for the kids, like I did. It just got worse, the ex didn't respect me and continued to treat me badly because they saw I wasn't going anywhere. Well I fooled them one day and I haven't went back.
I to was the one who worked my butt off in the relationship, I know. But remember to leave now before it gets worse on you and the kids. The longer you stay the harder it will be for the kids.
Now if you do want to try and work this out then I suggest marriage counseling, sometimes it helps.
Good luck!

Answer 5

I'm so sorry for you!! You sound like a really nice guy. I think you both married way too young and this is why this has happened. It's not fair on you though!!. If you can accept her reasons then see if you can both seek help from a marriage counselor. It is never easy when only one partner puts in the hard work and the effort to make it work and you must be hurting like hell.

For a start, you have to tell her, not ask her to stop seeing this so called friend of yours. He had to get right out of your lives, there in no reason for him to be around if she wants this to work. You are both so young but you have 2 little children to think about. STOP doing everything to please her, she sounds like she has been using you and trying to put all the blame on you for this marriage not working. Time for her to grow up or ship out, don't take anymore excuses from her. Either she behaves in a loving manner or gets out but always be there for your children, as i'm sure you will. Good luck you need it!!

Answer 6

I'm so sorry, you must be going thru a real shitty time. Maybe, if your marriage "Sux" you should leave her and try to live a happy life without her. It cant be healthy being in that situation and you must feel pretty angry with both of them for the betrayl. You should let them both go. You deserve better than that. If the affair was going for 1 1/2 years are you sure the little girl is yours? Sorry to ask a terrible question like that, but you should know.
Hope things work out for you.

Answer 7

So two affairs or two periods of affair behavior? First of all if you have every right to be mad and not get over this. My opinion, once a cheat always a cheat. It is not anything you did or didn't do that "made her" cheat. That is an excuse and cop out people use to shift the blame and make themselves feel better about their own bad behavior, DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!!!!!! As for the cynic in me, you might want to get a DNA test on the babies to make sure that they are yours, especially the youngest one. Get out while the getting is good, if she was committed to you she would not have cheated at all.

Answer 8

Man that does suck.I hope that you seek counselling for yourself if not with her.Also,if the marraige is ending,you could now focus on all the other girls who may have caught your interest over the years although you were probably faithful when with her.And,lastly,do not stay best friends with that guy.Not all freinds will do this type of thing to you.The same thing has happened to me and it hurts.It's important that you talk this out alone with a counselor,then later,i ya'll reconcile maybe invite her to go too.

Answer 9

maybe now you see that such a young marrige is not always a great idea.
not that im judging.
um marriage counselor,
trial seperation, although thats probably not a good idea,
send the kids to your mums for a night, get a film wine take away meal, after the film when she's real relaxed properly discuss your marriage in a calm manner, make sure u dont get into an arguement especially after drinking. good luck.

Answer 10

Dump the friend. Make sure that he is out of both your lives and stays out. If necessary, consider shifting out of town and re-settling elsewhere.
There are some men of these type who prey on women with some unhappiness in their lives. Once he is out of the picture, things may sort themselves out.