I wrote this song because im a singer...is it good?

Question

its not emo but may sound it its more punk...

You left me here waiting for you..
Under a blanket..counting the days you have been gone..
I dont think your comming back

chorus
So slit my wrists and leave me to bleed
let my blood just empty please
slit the bad things in my life.
just sklit me up because my wife,,,,isnt comming home..

she left with nothing
except a knife
her last words to me where have a good a life

I feel the death taking over me..nothing can stop it..its gotten to far..its out of controllllll.

chorus

what have i done..to get to this point
no one will listen.. my nerves are jumping..at night i cant sleep..my heart tears up and skips a beat..

chorus

repeat 2 times..fade

Answer 1

maybe if you found a more poetic way of saying slit my wrists

Answer 2

There is hope!
I like the concepts here.

So you have a wife who has left you. Oh so sad.

"You left me here waiting for you..
Under a blanket..counting the days you have been gone..
I dont think your comming back"
good lines!

slits wrist IS the definition of emo. cut out the slitting wrist stuff.
i mean common, was your wife a teenager?

"she left with nothing
except a knife
her last words to me where have a good a life"

potential here....this could mean she left you with no way to rease the pain. Or she tried to kill you but left anyway.( in that sense, you could keep the blood imagery).

second chorus is not bad...might want to watch it on the
"what have I dont to get to this point"
that could be seen as whining, and thats not cool to adult ears.

"no one will listen.. my nerves are jumping..at night i cant sleep..my heart tears up"
good line!

so just build up the story here, more scenery, so your in a bedroom under a blanket, is it dark, is it night? were you sleeping , just waking to find her gone, ehhh....

Answer 3

First of all, it's THE DEFINITION of Emo. There is a lot of stuff going on here. I would like to see you expand upon the first verse as I hold it to be your strongest, which is fine in music because you want to engage your listener right away and you have your chorus to fall back on. Now, I'm not a music expert, but shouldn't you have just one chorus? I'm confused by your two choruses. Stick with one chorus, and try to develop more around your chorus, you only have two verses to speak of besides your chorus. Also, try to find some consistency in your line length as you are all over the place. Do you know how to count syllables? It doesn't rhyme, which is fine because the mood is very dark, but remember, in music, rhyme is a VERY powerful sound device. All in all, I think you have a great base to work with (even though I'm not one for the Emo scene, and DEFINITELY not the wrist slashing scene). I think you could develop it nicely. Make sure and proofread it before posting and/or showing, it makes you more look more legit.

Answer 4

The old guys that are depressed, drunk, and high...and has nothing to live for and no one to love or stay with them because they r always messed up will love it. So it may be a big hit because theres alot out there like that.

Answer 5

sounds pretty good, except that "so slit my wrists" part.
not because its "emo"
it just sounds cheap..
like you stole the line from hawthorne heights
"so cut my wrists and black my eyes"
people are going to recognize that

Answer 6

No, it's not good. One day this song will embarrass you. If it keeps you sane in the meantime, go for it; just remember to delete it when you're done.

Answer 7

i cant really tell u cause theres no music but the lyrics r cool
just keep doing what u love, and someone will find you

Answer 8

IF YOU'RE A WRITER YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO SPELL!

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Answer 9

a punk song? seriously

Answer 10

no offense but i think its sucks...

PLus...

It wouldnt carry on any radio station because the whole suicide topic...