A couple is going thru a divorce.what do u tell the 12 yr old boy?................?

Question

...reason why i am asking this is cause one of the parents is worried that its going to hurt the 12 yr old that there is not going to be a mom and dad anymore.But what about the step-parents?Step-parents make the best parent some times. one of the parent's is afraid how to tell the son that there is going to be a step-parent cause the son has already said he didnt want a step-parent.he's still young, dont u agree? the son will get over it, thats a fact.kids who have grown up and been thru this situation are free to respond

Answer 1

Divorce is an unsettling experience for a child. Even under the best of circumstances, your kids are bound to get caught in the middle of disputes between you and your former partner. No magic words can make the hurt of divorce go away, but you can take steps to minimize the impact. The key is to set aside your differences and follow these tips:

1. Don't compromise on custody - Custody arrangements fall into three categories: traditional, joint, and split. In a traditional arrangement, children live with one parent (who makes all the decisions), and visit the other parent on a regular basis. Joint custody is similar except that visitation is more flexible, and both parents agree to make parenting decisions together. In split custody, the children divide their time equally between each parent.

2. If possible, try to work out a traditional or joint arrangement - Split custody may quell your guilty feelings, but it only hurts your children. In fact, it's the most potentially disruptive arrangement for your kids. It often disrupts their academics, interferes with the formation of stable friendships, and breaks the continuity of discipline and routines.

3. Agree on regular, yet flexible, visitation - To soften the effects of divorce on your kids, make sure they have regular contact with the noncustodial parent. A predictable visitation schedule helps your children feel secure, although flexibility has its pluses. A less rigid schedule is more in tune with the ebb and flow of real life, creating a sense of normality and reducing the frustration that accompanies an unyielding routine.

4. Take good care of yourself - Studies show that the better the custodial parent adjusts to divorce, the better the children adjust. If you're the custodial parent, make sure you avoid falling into the trap of self-sacrifice. Get what you need to feel fulfilled.

5. Avoid unrealistic promises - Many divorced parents try hard to please their kids. As a result, they sometimes make unrealistic promises. Your children would rather that you keep your promise on an ice cream cone, however, than break your pledge of spending a weekend together. If an ice cream cone is all that you can deliver, tell them the truth. They'll appreciate your honesty.

6. Try not to compare households - In a perfect world, you and your former spouse would agree on everything concerning the kids, including rules, expectations, and discipline. In reality, your philosophies and methods of child-rearing will differ. Such differences won't confuse your children as long as you and your former spouse clearly state what you expect from your kids and consistently enforce those expectations. However faulty your former partner's disciplinary style may seem to you, forget abut trying to compensate for it.

7. Treat one another with dignity - More than anything else, children need to have positive perceptions of both parents. A negative impression of one or both parents almost always leads to a negative self-image. Try to keep all of your negative opinions of one another to yourselves.

8. Resolve your conflicts - A child's adjustment is at risk when conflicts continue after divorce. How easily a child adjusts to the news that his parents are getting a divorce depends largely on the conflict level between the parents during and following separation. Reaching an agreement on what to tell your children can be especially difficult when you haven't been able to agree on much lately. Nevertheless, this is a time for parents to set aside their animosities and work together.

Here are some guidelines to help you tell your children about your decision:

1. Tell them together. Neither parent should be excused from this conversation. Even if it wasn't exactly a joint decision, you should inform the children jointly.

2. Don't inform the children until your decision is final. Telling children "We're thinking of separating," or words to that effect, will only upset them and make them tremendously anxious. Don't ask the children their opinions about the decision, either.

3. Wait until a day or two before the actual separation to make the announcement. The more time between breaking the news and the separation, the harder the kids will work to keep the two of you together. Ideally, the day you tell them should be a non-school day. If that's impossible, keep them out of school. One of the worst things you can do is tell the children and then send them off to worry for the rest of the day at school or day care. They need time to react.

4. Don't improvise! Decide beforehand exactly what you're going to tell your children and stick to it. The more you blunder or surprise one another, the more confused and upset both you and the children will become. It's a good idea to rehearse the conversation so you won't be stumbling.

5. Anticipate what questions your kids may ask and have your answers prepared. Careful planning of this sort shows your children that you're confident of the decision, and helps them feel more secure about it.

6. Keep the actual conversation short and to the point. There's really no reason to let it last longer than a few minutes, five at most. And no speeches.

7. Don't editorialize. The best explanation is simply, "Things haven't worked out the way we planned, and we think it's best we no longer live together." Answer their questions, but tell your children that you believe this decision is the best one for the whole family. Under no circumstances should you say, "We don't love each other anymore." Nor should one parent make the other the villain, as in, "Your mother has decided she doesn't love me anymore and wants me to move out."

8. Be prepared for the worst possible reaction. Sometimes children take these things well, sometimes they don't. If a child becomes hysterical, you must be ready to react with authority.

9. Reassure your children that you still love them. In this time of upheaval, it's important for children to know that certain things will never change. Even though you will no longer be husband and wife, tell them you will still be Mom and Dad.

10. Try to let them know where they will live and when they'll see you. Although children may have some strong opinions on this subject, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss it. Later, when things have calmed down, you can solicit their opinions about custody and visitation issues. The children should also know that although the parent with primary custody is going to be making the most decisions, major decisions will still be made jointly.

Remember "No magic words can eliminate the hurt of divorce for your kids, but you can take steps to minimize the impact on them".
Good Luck>r

Answer 2

Seeing that I am a child whose parents divorced when I was 6-years-old, I have been through the process myself. Step 1 would to tell the child that you love it very much, but sometimes things are not meant to be. Do not believe that the child will agree with this at first; in hard times we see no logic, neither do children. Second step with regards to step-parents, it is only natural that a child does not want a replacement of its parents and in that sense will fight it every step of the way. It hurts to know that your parents don't like one another anymore, but with an arrival of a step-parent it is only natural that this frustration and pain is target at the step parent. I will not say that the parents should not find new spouses, however, if the step-parent want to be liked and get on with the kid, it is necessary for he or she to be the nice person in the household. I once had a step-mother who picked on me constantly, and I build up so much frustration with her actions, which I then blamed on my father, which means that him and I hardly speak anymore because of then. At the same time I have a step-father who has been of the greatest inspiration to me, and he plays a larger than proportional role in the person that I have developed into. He shaped who I am, and I am very thankful that he is in my life, however, our relationship has also been stained in the last couple of years as he has been strongly disagreeing with some points in my life. I guess the best advice I can give, beside the fact that it sounds like you already decided that someone new should enter the family, is to let the step-parent at worst have a neutral role. The bond between parents and children is not the same as step-parents and children, so the step-parent should be the positive and open person... to an extend a friend rather than a parent, seeing that child already has two parents.

Answer 3

It will be hard on the boy but tell him something just are not meant to be. He may or may not take it hard but the truth is that sometimes it may make things worse if the parents stay together all the arguing and fighting can take affect on a child. As long as both parents stay involved with the child nothing should matter more. Just because the parents weren't good husband and wife to each other that doesn't mean that they are not good parents.
I have lived without a mom for 20 years she walked out when I was 3 years old it has only made me stronger and the man I am today.

Answer 4

Tough question because there's no "right" answer. The biological parents will ALWAYS be the biological parents. You can't tell a kid that Dad or Mom isn't going to be Dad or Mom anymore. The kid won't believe you. Step parents have a tough time. They have a loving relationship with the biological parent and want a loving relationship with the youngster. Such a relationship is one of those things that takes time. My advice to the step parent is to not push it, to be a loving and supporting person and don't try to be a substitute mom or dad. Also, don't try to be a "pal". Just be yourself. Treat your stepchild with honesty, lots and lots of love and lots of tolerance. He/she may not like you but that's because he/she doesn't really know you. Let them know you as a great human being.

Answer 5

Been through 2 of them, not easy! In the OLD days supposedly there was no divorce! BULL! Sometimes steps do not work out for many reasons, sometimes the parent gets lucky! I used to be afraid then I realized they can live with the new person better than I can! Kids will hate or love, it depends on how much $$$ they can get!

Answer 6

There is still going to be a Mom and a Dad. But if you explain to him that you two are not getting along, he should understand. Yes it will be hard for him but it is best if the two of you make it less hard on him by being cooperative together. If you make the divorce smooth with out much arguing and screaming and keep your thoughts to yourself instead of venting on him he should handle it well...dont worry about step parents....they are like brothers and sisters...

Answer 7

what he needs to be told is that both his mother and father love him very much,and even though they can't get along well enough to remain husband and wife that they are going to be there for him at any cost,just because they are not living toghether one will be there and the other just a phone call away and will be available at all times. as for the step parent issue, he should show respect to which ever parent it is that is anticipating the marriage and show equal respect towards the step parent ,even though he may never love this person like he loves his biological parents, respect is still due to the adult who is in love with this person. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 8

Tell him the truth! Explain the whole situation and even though he may get mad and im sure it will upset him, he is better off having happy parents in the long run. It will all work out for the best!

Answer 9

i had a step-mom. she was NOT as good as my real mom.... it's going to hurt like hell, and probably scar him for a bit. he'll get over it as we all do, and probably make him a better person for the experience. what a kid needs in this situation is a bit of stability.... maybe you could talk to him once in a while, go out and do something so he doesn't feel like his whole life and all around him just evaporated.

Answer 10

tell him mom and dad aren't happy together and they're happier with someone else or something. and tell him nice stories of step parents ! He will live with it soon, good luck.