How do you get new fathers to participate in the care of the baby more, especially in the middle of the night?

Question

Everything was sopposed to be 50/50 until the baby came. I find myself getting really bitter at my husband. Is there anything I can do?

Answer 1

act like you dont hear the baby crying for as long as you can, the dad will have no choice but to get up and help. try it i do it all the time.

Answer 2

Don't get bitter, get vocal...in a nice, non confrontational way, not at 3 in the morning...when you are at your wits end...

It does help some...however, moms do a lot of the work, that is just the way it is...try to look at it in a positive way...there is no 50/50 in the land of mom and dad...

I find the more focused we get on 50/50 the more disappointed we are or can be in our spouses...the 50/50 thing is about our perception and we can be unfair to our spouses if we put that trip on them...

There will be things he totally rocks at and things that you do best...Also, some new dads are kind of afraid that they won't do it right or afraid of the sheer tinyness of the baby...

like I said, try to be cool and bring it up in a positive way and find out what the deal is...

You may find that some dads are better with kids as they get older, same goes for moms...

Take your spouse at face value and don't assume he is trying to get out of the responsibility, he may just be a little overwhelmed and unsure of how to help...

We, as moms, kind have to take the bull by the horns, or the baby by the sleeper, if you will and may feel these same things but we somehow slog through it all...

Dads are a little more reticent as they did not carry the baby and all that stuff...

Talk to your man, and good luck to you it absolutely does get better!

Answer 3

maybe dump some ice water on him, that'll raise him out the bed. ha ha jk. No really the 50/50 thing is a myth. My husband is a great father now but when our kids were newborns he wouldn't touch them. He was so afraid of hurting them, he said they where just too little. It took a few months before he'd even hold them. Maybe your hubby is afraid too? try talking to him and letting him know you need help and a break or you're gonna have a nervous breakdown. Tell him you're not superhuman and you need some help. Let him know he helped created this baby afterall. If all else fails use tears.. Good luck though for real.

Answer 4

I'm a father of a 3 year old girl. When she was first born, i didn't help my wife at all with her. When Emma would cry i would go outside or something, that way i didn't have to do anything. That was then. . . . .The first time Emma got RSV, she was put in the hospital, and they said she could die. I then realized that i loved that little girl with everything i had, and i would do anything and everything i could to take care of her. . . . I have since been a father to her, and gives her anything she wants. . . . . What really took control of me was back in October. My daughter had brain surgery, and there was a 30% chance that she could have died. I cried that whole week before the surgery. I prayed and asked God to take care of my little girl. When the doctor came out and said everything went fine, i almost fainted. My mom and dad was there to catch me before i hit the floor. . . . I hope your baby doesn't get sick like mine did, but if he or she does, he will change. . . . I hope this helps hun.

For the person up above me that said to elbow him and tell him to get up, or risk losing sex. . . that wouldn't have worked for me. Being without sex doesn't bother me. I'm not a horny toad like some guys are. I can go up to 2 months without it.

Answer 5

You can try explaning to your husband that you need help talking care of the baby in the middle of the night. If you think talking won't work then before you talk to him you can try pretending that you are still a sleep and then he has to get up. I know it is wrong to pretend but it might work. If he just tells you the baby is crying pretend that you are half a sleep and ask him if he will mind getting up with the baby. If he has to get up earlier than you do then you just have to endure and get up and take care of the baby. If he gets up earlier than you to go to work he might not be able to get up and still make it to work on time. This is something that you have to decide. Good Luck!!

Answer 6

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Perhaps he feels a little useless because bub always seems to want or need you.
Explain to your husband that you need his help. It is important because it will give you a break and give him a chance to bond with bub. At bath time ask him if he would like to bath the baby. When baby needs changing and dressing in the morning just give him bub and say can you dress/change him/her while I shower. If he refuses to do these things, ask him why. Communication is the key.

PS If he does rise to the occasion and start to do more then do not criticise the way he does things, just say thanks and let him know you really appreciate the help.

Answer 7

All I can say is Good Luck. The 50/50 part is he helped make the baby.

Answer 8

elbow him in the ribs and tell him if he dont get up and feed the baby he aint getting any sex for a year lol no just ask

It was a joke my husband was great getting up most of the night feeds cos I had a csection and that made it difficult. If you want your hubby to help just sit him down and explain that it would really take some pressure off you. you never know he might want to help but not want to butt in and take over the time from you.

Answer 9

Ha! Ha! When our baby came it turned out that since Daddy had to work in the morning he was entitled to fewer wake-ups at night. It takes much longer for the idea that everything is going to be different to sink in to guys' heads than it does for us. I think the best thing to do is sit down with him when you are not feeling too upset about it (I know, that's tough when you're sleep deprived) and 1. refer to your original agreement of 50-50; 2. remind Daddy that for both of you life is going to be a lot different from here on out and he needs to become aware of it; 3. re-negotiate your agreement on who will do what and write it out if necessary.

In my case too, I felt my husband was slow in responding, while when I heard the baby I was jumping up at the first cry. For one thing HE sleeps with a pillow on his head to block out noise, while I hear everything! This may be hard, but when it is his turn to care for baby, just breathe deep and let him handle it, don't jump in even if it seems he is slow to react. New fathers do need space and to feel that you trust them to do their job, even if you don't always agree with his approach.

Finally, be prepared that you probably will not achieve the 50-50 ideal, and as your child grows you will be the one who provides more of the care. This is just realism in a lot of cases. Let your goal be to keep your husband involved as positively as possible, let him experience the bonding, because his motivation will grow as he discovers the joy in caring for your baby and adjusts (albeit slowly) to this new aspect of your life as a family. Best wishes.

Answer 10

For me and my children's moms it was always 50/50. I loved getting up with them. It just made our bond stronger.