My son and his wife divorced and within a month he met someone else and remarried 9 months later. I do love his new wife, but I miss the first one terribly. I'm very sensitive to other's pain, and it is hard for me to not cry when I think of her. I loved her so much. I don't know exactly what happened, but I know their goals in life were different and their families were different. (Hers were like the family from hell & ours is so close to each other due to tragedies in our lives.) My new daughter-in law says the right things, i.e. wants to spend time together, but that is it. She is more outgoing, successful in life, and says what she wants. The other is sensitive, quiet and hurt because of her family and how they treat others. We are much more alike. I love her very much and want to see her. But I don't want to hurt my new daughter-in-law. Any advice about how to not hurt/miss the first one anymore and about meeting with her? (No children involved.)
2006-12-07 16:34:53 · 25 answers · asked by Diane B 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You can be friends with whomever you want...I wouldn't invite her to family functions if they are going to be there, but heck if you love her, spend time with her...Your son and new DIL will have to just understand...
2006-12-07 17:11:57 · answer #1 · answered by ABBYsMom 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have made a friendship and created a bond with your first daughter in law that should not have to stop just because your son now has a new wife. For example, If you are friends with a lady at church, but your son or his wife feel upset by that relationship, should you break that off ?
You can talk to your son (and his new wife) and explain that you respect his decision to divorce and remarry, and you love them both. You do not wish to hurt them in any way, but hope that they will respect your decision to still keep in touch with his first wife.
If you are a loving and close family, I'm sure your son will see that you are not trying to put him in a bad spot and not trying to disrespect his marriage by remaining friends with your first daughter in law.
If there is a problem with having your son and his ex-wife at the same functions, then you will just have to arrange your schedule so that these relationships are kept separate.
By the way, I assume there are no children involved yet in either marriage? If there were grandkids, this is all the more reason to remain in contact with the original wife.
Although I personally never married (at least not yet), my uncle did divorce his first wife. Although we do not see her often, she still keeps in touch with him and will see my uncle, my grandmother (my uncle's mother), and her son from the marriage. I would call the visits cordial and even friendly, although it was not that way when they first broke up.
2006-12-07 16:50:05 · answer #2 · answered by SteveN 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Truthfully, there is no way to do this without not only hurting your new daughter-in-law but your son as well. Do you really think he'd be okay with it and his wife not be? No, both will be hurt. I understand that you feel a bond with his first wife and you could be latching on to her more because of the rather fast track your son's new relationship has taken combined with past life experiences in common. Ultimately you have to decide if it's worth hurting so many people. I feel the best thing to do is just leave it alone and try to move on. If you're adamant about this, try talking to your son and letting him know what you're feeling. Telling him first and seeing how they feel will halt any future major fights when they find out. And chances are they will find out and lying hurts way too many people!
2006-12-07 16:40:59 · answer #3 · answered by MasLoozinIt76 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing wrong with continuing a relationship with your ex-daughter-in-law. YOU didn't divorce her. Your son did.
Make sure you keep your relationship to her separate. It would be wrong to invite the ex to family events - as that is your new daughter-in-laws space. But an occasional lunch or shopping trip is perfectly acceptable.
Also - it's important not to compare them - ever. And conversations about the others relationship with your son - would be out of line.
Other than that - there is no reason why you can't continue to see her and be her friend. You can have a relationship with her independent of the fact that she was once your daughter-in-law. Especially because you grew to love her! Why should you have to push her out of your life just because your son chose to do so?
If your new daughter-in-law chooses to feel hurt because you have a loving heart - then that is her choice.
Hope this helps!
2006-12-07 16:50:06 · answer #4 · answered by liddabet 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My son has been married three times, and I have good relationships with both the former wives, as well as the present one. The more positive relationships one has in life, the better, in my opinion.
I think you should contact your former daughter-in-law to re-establish contact. The present wife sounds like she's enough of a grown-up to understand.
I think it's lovely that you want to remain friends with the first wife, and I imagine she'll be quite pleased to hear from you. Since her own family is described as "the family from hell," no doubt she could use you back in her life. Like you said, you had lots in common.
It doesn't matter, really, why their marriage broke up. It's not your business and should not affect your relationship with her or with your son.
It takes a little juggling, but you can handle all the relationships if you try. The best of luck to you.
2006-12-07 16:43:13 · answer #5 · answered by Woman from California 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Who you are friends with is your business. Just respect the present relationship by not bringing the first daughter-in-law around your son & his wife. Going to meet her for lunch or shopping is a way to chat and spend time together without causing an issue that should harm anyone. Do not talk about your son & his wife for any reason with her to keep things on a actual friendshp basis. Let your son know about this so he won't take it the wrong way.
2006-12-07 16:47:16 · answer #6 · answered by msthinkpositive 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have every right to still communicate with the ones you love. I have a same situation! I talk to my sons x all the time. We are friends. You are allowed to have friends. You don't have to invite her to family functions when your son and his new wife are there. Sooner or later you'll all be friends if you can head it in the right direction. Especially if she gets serious or remarries. People need to get along! I even get along ok (just ok) with my husbands x so the children will feel more secure. Call her and have a nice shopping/lunch date once a month.
2006-12-07 16:58:06 · answer #7 · answered by HDGranny 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
getting back in contact with your old daughter in law may be disrespecful to your new daughter in law, she will be furious if she finds out & she will.....find out, eventually. She might think you don't like her & that your sick & twisted still talking to your son's ex. You probably just got use to your old daughter in law, especially since you had alot in common.....but, you should get to know your new daughter in law & just accept the fact that the old one is gone & move on. Secrets end up surfacing & hurting the ones you love the most....so, let the past stay in the past. There's a reason that people are not in your lives anymore.
2006-12-07 17:19:04 · answer #8 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I don't quite understand why you can't still have a relationship with your first Daughter in law afterall it's her and your son that divorced, not you. If your new Daughter in law is any type of woman she will completely respect this issue and let you do what you gotta do. Good luck to ya!
2006-12-07 17:12:00 · answer #9 · answered by nkkidw040602 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sir, your son divorced her you did not, if you feel that strong about her, then call her and take her to lunch, 2nd wife should understand and if she says something simply say if my son divorced you and and 3rd wife came alone should i not see or speek to you.... not fair i still keep in touch with my x-mother in law from 15 years ago we are really close and i am remarried and my family understands and there too where no children, and he is with well others. and if you don't want to tell anyone for awhile then fine, x-mas is coming if you feel that close to her i'm sure you are thinking about something for her, why should you too not be friends, if you were to divorce would you want her family to cut all ties kids or no kids a true friend is hard to find in this world and when you find one hang on to them. think about it lunch with an x-daughter in law is harmless and she will respect you even more, that you care enough to keep in touch with her
2006-12-07 17:03:13 · answer #10 · answered by killips1 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow, that's tough. a consequence of divorce that no one thinks about. My best advice would be to not tell your new daughter in law if you'd like to meet with your old one. I just can't see anyway that wouldn't hurt her feelings. I know lying isn't the best policy, but that's the only thing I can think of for this situation. Good luck.
2006-12-07 16:39:10 · answer #11 · answered by a heart so big 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋