When to give up on marriage?

Question

Been married almost 20 years and have 4 kids. Just now finding myself and after years of mutual unhappiness, when do you call it quits? The only thing we do well together is parent. We don't fight and the major problem is we don't communicate. Been to counseling for years and can't apply what we learned. There is still love there but there is so much I need that I can't get from him and i'm sure needs for him that I'm not giving. I find myself lonely and looking outside our marriage for companionship.

Love these responses - thanks. I think courage is a big part of it. I'm gaining courage as I grow older and realize I need so much more but leaving after so long? The kids are very protected from our unhappiness but do pick up on things, I do know that, but we both really do love each other, just can't break down the walls to show it. Seems so sad but we're not getting younger and maybe there is someone to give us what we need?

Answer 1

Happiness!

What does happiness mean to you? After 20 years or marriage, you seem to have out grown each other. All it takes is for one person to not want to be in the marriage anymore and it seems like you are at that crossroad.

Are you feeling tired and burnt out? Have you lost all interest?
No one can tell you when to give up. Your heart is what you will have to listen to. You shouldn't stay in a relationship just because someone wants you to. You can't even do it for the kids. Why go on living a lie? Why go on pretending to be what you are not?

Some will call it selfish for you to think about your happiness first. But if you're not happy how can you really make anyone else happy.

20 years! So what! Has it been 20 years of joy or 20 years of hell? Either way, you want out and that's what's on the table. Would you want to stay with you after you have discovered that they wanted to get out? This is not about blaming who is right and who is wrong, it is about how you feel today and what you want for your future.

Try separation for a minute. And if you still want out, then get out. Just be sure that you're are done with the marriage rather than sticking it out when your feelings are gone.

Best of luck!

Answer 2

So what do you think you will find with someone else that you may already have with your husband. But because you both are busy with life and not to mention 4 kids, that alone can keep you both busy. If it is mutual then get a divorce if it makes you both happy. Don't look outside the marriage thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Because the grass will be greener on the other side for awhile, but it wilts the same. So if you both still love one another, then try to work it out, try to communicate. Because if you do go outside of the marriage, kiss your marriage good bye.

Answer 3

I think that u should try to remember the things that have brought u together.

I also think that communication is one of the most important things needed in a marriage or relationship. Without communication there is no possible way to find out how ur husband is feeling. I personally don't believe in divorce... I feel that once u make that commitment u need to hold true to it. I strongly believe that in the vows when it says "til death do us part" that they are to be followed through.

As far as looking for someone else outside the relationship... that is wrong. U are to be devoted to ur husband and to him only. Just remember that marriages have there ups and downs as does any relationship. I think that u need to stop looking outside the relationship and look in front of u and see that special someone u married about 20 yrs ago.

Answer 4

I understand how you feel; I been in the same situation. Do you want to seperate...are you ready to call it quits? Sometimes a seperation helps because it gives you both time to figure out what you really need and what you are missing in your relationship and in your life. Sometimes partners can come back together after a seperation, and most times they realize that the marriage between them has fizzled and it's time to go our seperate ways. Are you willing to work it out? Because it wont work if both of you are not willing or have any intrest in working it out. You can love someone and care for that person without actually being with them. being happy is what counts and if you are not happy then you pretty much know what to do.

Answer 5

Only you can decide. If you are truly honest with yourself and can honestly say you have tried everything for 20 years, the question is why would you stay. There may be some good reasons. Are you unhappy? Is he? Do either of you believe things can improve? If the only reason you dont move on is lack of courage, it may be time to do some really hard stuff. Moving on is INCREDIBLY HARD. You--and everyone--deserve to be happy. good luck.

Answer 6

Get a separation for a year. Don't date anyone. If it really isn't working, then file for divorce. After a one year separation. Just keep working things out if you can. And especially keep up communication when it comes to the children. They are the ones who will hurt the most. Companionship is one thing. Cheating is another.

Answer 7

You need to take a longer view of your relationship. Quiting is too easy. Marriage is like a draw bridge. You need to learn what opens and what closes the connection. You will not endure another relationship if you cannot get past these episodes in yor current marriage. Love eachother, there's a way to find common ground.

Answer 8

Careful girlfriend, sounds like you are looking for reasons to cheat. Relationships take work.

So often reality conflicts with our fantasy. You probably wouldn't end up with a prince in a white charger.

After 4 kids and twenty years, a few months of trying to improve the relationship isn't much of an investment.

Answer 9

That must be hard... I really don't know what to say here...

I guess there are some things in life you just gotta let go of, even if you never intended to let it happen....

Do think about your 4 kids through all this.... because they are your future... Talk to your husband... really talk... communicate in every way you two can... think back to the day you married him... and why...

Best wishes & Good luck!

Answer 10

Take him to the side at the right time and place (I REALLY HATE TO INTERCEDE THIS QUESTION IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY SERIOUS) and ask him in a serious way, "Do you love me?"

If he pauses for a long period, let him think about it. If he says no, then it is time to get out. It is like living with a college roommate that does not really get in your way, but does nothing for you in the long run, so you get rid of them so you both can succeed and/or be happy elsewhere.