Need some advice here..... PLEASE!?

Question

Just been married for a couple of months now and our fighting is just escalating. She has a dominant and selfish nature, so for being an independent woman is just way to hard for a guy to just give in all the time. Imnot saying that Im always right but what she does is she piles everything up until she explodes. She would get mad if you were trying to have a conversation with her and she would say that I was annoying. I am seriously thinking of leaving because she just said that she wanted me to leave for a few months because she has to do something more important and she doesn't need the added stress.This is not accpetable. Its either I leave or not. I refuse to be some sort of thing where she could just turn on and off when she needs me. A couple of days ago we fought about me asking her some questions because she has her own system of doing things and Im just trying to learn that. She got annoyed! Im beginning to think that she never wanted this marriage in the first place. HELP!!!!

I tried talking to her and reasoning out with her but she is too dominant where she twist everything. She always played the mind games at me and its coming to a point where she has lied. If she can't get what she wanted she would walk out on you. Again thats a good example where she would just turn you off just like that. There were alot of incidents where she would say something and then retract from it. Like when she decided to marry me one time and then back out of it. That happened 3 times. Again the manipulation right there.

I did packed up before and she told me not to. Actually I did it quite a few times and we resolved it by promising each other that we wont even think of that as an option. Now she is just giving me grief.

I felt that she is just pushing me away and I can't help it but just get pushed back. I tried talking to her but it just wont work. She actually suggested for us to go couple counselling long long time ago and now that I suggested it she said that those are for the ones who can't handle. I guess her ways of dealing with it is basically ignoring me and just for her to walk away. Now she is fast asleep and Im left here dealing with how to make things better.

I appreciate all the advice from all of you but its a bit hard for me to walk out just like that because of my circumstance. Considering the fact that I live in NZ and Im here in the NY. Its a gruelling task of leaving and the financial situation as well. Am I screwed or what?

Answer 1

Not to sound harsh but maybe she's having second thought about being married. Ask her about it and ask for her honesty.

Answer 2

Poor you....don't give up on your marriage. Sometimes Newlyweds fight often becuz they are still learning about eachother. Marriage is very different from being boyfriend/girlfriend. I know it's hard right now, but you should stay strong & be positive. Even though she acts mean to you & it makes you mad, just ignore her & keep being positive. These fights are obstacles you both must over come. Give yourselves a chance & more time to grow & learn from eachother. This may not be a quick fix but it definetely sounds like you two need to work on your communication with eachother & to accept and respect eachother flaws & imperfections. Couseling sounds like a great idea! Let her know that just becuz you two will be going to couseling, it does not mean you can't handle. It's the fact that you love eachother so much that you are willing to try anything & everything to keep your marriage together =)

GOOD LUCK & i hope everything works out!

Answer 3

In a relationship, dominance is best shared. If she needs to dominate you, try ignoring her outbursts. The more you respond to them the more she will explode. By responding at all, you are giving her justification and ammunition. Remove yourself from the immediate situation if you can, by going into another room or out for a short walk. Make it clear that you are not leaving her, just her behaviour (just say behaviour, don't qualify it by calling it anything!). You have to present a calm and consistent approach and ask her to compare it to her own behaviour. You will have to take a lot of grief but if you stick with it, you'll probably get through it. Only you can decide if it is worth it. She sounds angry and disappointed. The reality of marriage often brings this but don't be her whipping boy.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

wow very serious here! ahhhh You shouldn't have to leave your house because she needs time! Your guys are married! Your have to work thing out! And it's ok to fight back and not let her win all the times! Maybe she likes to here herself yell and carry on! Try reverse psychology! Let her yell and complain about everything, and just agree with her! But try to be extra nice and understanding! And if it's something that she thinks should really piss you off, it'll make it even better! She'll be very upset and won't like the fact that it didn't bother you! Pretty soon she will learn that it's not that fun to pick fights with you!

Answer 6

First of all, has she seen a doctor? Not to be mean or sound harsh but to mean it sounds like she is either suffering from OCD (obsessive-compulsive-disorder) or depression or a combination of both. Left untreated, you could easily get this behavior. I know, I'm currently being treated for both. There is also the fact that she could just be feeling the stress of married life. The first 3-5 years of marriage is the hardest with that first year topping them all! Talk to her and see what she truly wants. I do think her asking you to leave for awhile is unacceptable though! You can't just turn on and off a marriage no matter what. Even as bad as I have sunk, I would have NEVER asked that of my husband.

Answer 7

Man, this sounds rough. If only HALF of what you're saying is true, I would suggest counseling. It appears at this point NOTHING you say to her will turn her around. Her actions seem to have nothing at all to do with the individual things you say. Thats why it seems so strange to you when she would bug out on such simple things. There is DEFINATELY something bigger going on, but based on your description, I don't believe that she would open up to you now.

More importantly, in your attempt to appease, it may be coming off as sucking up and would seem to piss her off more.

Some event occured that soured her to you and either to take her to a marriage counselor, or to a divorce lawyer. But you MUST take some action or respect will dwindle and resentment will rise.

Answer 8

Think about why you were so persistent in getting married to her if it took at least 3 times to get an answer. Is love really in this relationship or was it something else? Counseling is one outlet, but if she's like your description, this may not help either. Ask her anyway, this would be the least you can do before letting go.

Answer 9

erm... (4rm a womans point of view) im sure, she only did end up marrying u cus she wanted too. it sounds like she could have had some issues, with opening up more, being effectionate, commitment, getting close, etc. if she is angry in that sort of way, it usually means something is wrong/ upsetting her, but this doesnt mean she doesnt like you. ( i think she loves u) : )
- you need to know how to come round, be patient and make sure you do give her enough space too (-she said she needs room, otherwise she might go crazy.) also dont get too obsessed
(a healthy balance is needed). she sounds like she is a professional, hard working, busy lady. you should get busy with other things too and not occupy your time with this too much. so wen u both have time together put effort into making sure you enjoy it and dont bring things up that upset you both. but good luck. you sound like you care for her and are working hard at it.

- i also some what agree with JAMES R.

Answer 10

Wow, I'm going through something similar with my husband right now. I, too, let things build up until i explode, and we argue a lot lately. We just recently make an appointment for marriage counseling, maybe you should suggest to her that you two go, if she refuses maybe she is not mature enough to be married. Sometimes it is wise to spend a day or two apart but months is ridiculous, it sounds like she may have something else going on.

Answer 11

I can understand your problem because I am that way myself. By nature, I am also very demanding and selfish. I have learned, through my failures with relationships, that relationships are two sided. It takes more than one person to make a relationship to work, and it sounds like she doesn't want to try.

There is only so much you can give - and it sounds like she is taking. If you can't communicate with her because you feel like she would be "annoyed", then it sounds like this might be a failed relationship. The relationship won't fail because of you, but because of her selfishness.

Sometimes it takes people leaving to realize what they have lost. Maybe try moving out for a couple of months to make her realize what she has.