How can I learn to forgive...?

Question

4 yrs ago my guy left me, and the very next day began a serious relationship with a girl he had stopped dating to be with me. (They're still together and getting married in a few months-this news has made the following feelings) I've been married to my hubby (whom i love) for 2 yrs & I have a beautiful 16 mth old baby, but I can't get over this feeling of wanting my ex & his girl to be unhappy. I just feel like I want him to go thru what I did, I never thought they'd last because their relationship started out dishonestly. Where is justice? He was my life, then one day it was over. I wanted to die. I was in & out of the hospital for panic attacks & put on suicidewatch. For 2 yrs ALL i did was go to work & home. I was messed up. Im mad because I suffered & want justice. Where's karma? So now I just want to get over this & forgive/forget & get rid of those scars my ex gave me. I'm shaken up over how much this is effecting me, I want to cut that time of my life out of my mind

For Pin...FYI- I used to rarely think about this ex until I RECENTLY found out he was getting married and was shocked/upset to find the relationship intact while I had been physically and mentally ill for 2 years. You make it sound like I've beening freaking out every day for 4 years. My husband is #1, as a matter of fact I discuss this with him when I feel this way. (I just wanted to get some extra perspective) And because I share my deepest feelings with him, he understands it's a sign of respect and trust. So either be helpful or shutup. I'm trying to figure myself out, I don't need unintelligent crap from you. Thanks ever so much!!

Answer 1

First off, karma isn't instant - never has been.

YOU have given yourself those scars - he didn't. YOU entered into a relationship with a guy who was already attached, knowing full well - by your own admission - that it was not a good idea. IN the meantime, you married some other guy, and you are making him suffer for your past.

WHY are you still dwelling on this guy? WHY can't you get over him? WHAT is lacking in your life presently that makes you unable to forget him.

Given, he may have been one of your true loves. OK, those are hard to forget, and I'm not saying forget him. I still think of one of mine, wonder how he is on a rare occasion. However, I don't dwell on it, and if I ever see him again, it'll be nice tojust say hi. I moved on with my life, developed the relationship with my spouse and I put him first in my heart.

What do you do? Take personal responsibility for that time in your life. Accept your part in the whole deal. Start treating your spouse as if he is the most important man in your life - as he is supposed to be. Right now, you worry so much about this other fool, you've made him most important. And here's the thing - he likely never thinks of you at all anymore.

Time to step up, move on, maybe even seek counseling for this obsession you have with this past guy and past relationship.

Answer 2

Its hard to let something go that has been a part of us for so long, whether its a person or feelings of anger, resentment, or guilt. When we put everything we have into something and all of sudden it's ripped away from us, the effects are devastating. There is no set time as to when we need to recover from this either. Some people would disagree with me but, I feel that, while we may forgive, we don't fully forget. You"ll never forget what this man did because of the effect it had on your life, but there is one thing you could do to help with the anger you feel. As a psychology student, I learned that as a way of learning to ease the pain, you could write this man a letter. Write down everything you have ever wanted to say: the way you felt when he left; what you went through afterwards; the feelings you have, even today. Write it down, put it in an envelope, seal it, and throw it away. Just the act of saying what you want can give you some release. You can also say these things aloud as if he were standing in front of you. This worked for me. My first boyfriend (and first true love) of 4 years, died this past September. It had been a while (years) since I had seen him, but the last time I did see him, I was a *****. I told him that it was time for him to grow up, and that he was an *******. When I heard about his accident, I was devastated. I have been married now for 3 years, but I couldn't pull myself together. I couldn't even go to his funeral. I felt guilty and angry, at myself, and at him for not being more careful. So, I took a walk, sat down in a quiet park, and told him everything I was feeling. I felt like a big weight had been lifted. I still miss him horribly, and I still have to talk to him now and then, but those feelings I had are slowly fading. Sometimes I feel cheated. You know, like, why did it have to be him? I was so mad at first, I actually thought of about 10 of my other friends I would have rather died than him. But when I talk to him I feel so much better about things. We can't change what's happened to us, but we can take these experiences and learn from them and be stronger people because of them.
Try this sometime, it may make a difference in your life as well. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I had a hard time forgiving somebody. I told this person that I did forgive them, but to be honest, I hadn't really forgave them. Any time this person made me mad I would bring up the wrong he had done to me. (that went on for 10 years) I finally broke down and laid that problem at the feet of Jesus and truly forgave this person and it was like a 1000 pounds had been lifted off me. If you want to move on, you'll have to let go of this. God Bless † New Mission Prayer Warrior †

Answer 4

While not as...bad as this, I have dealt with similar things.


Life just is never fair enough. Chances are they will never get what they deserve.

Don't count on forgiving. Just forget. He is the past, he is done, useless, bad memories.

He is no more to you, has no need for you as well as you not needing him.

Be done with him, cut the ties, leave him behind. Focus on your life now. Karma may not be a hammer cracking his skull. Karma may be you happiness with your husband. Karma could be your child growing up happy, loved, and strong in life. Karma is your own happiness and saying "screw u" to him and leaving for good.


just my thoughts, good luck

Answer 5

Forgiveness is something we do more for ourselves then for the person who wronged us.

Unforgiving only hurts yourself.

Get in touch with your anger, hatred, whatever it is and release it. Use your bed and imagine it is him, hit the heck out of the bed and tell 'him' everything you've always wanted to say. This is very therapeautic.

If anger still comes up after this maybe you need to confront him. Tell him exactly how you feel about what he did to you, what happened to you afterwards and how hurt you were.

Then, forgive, feel how good it is to get this stuff off your chest and then forgive... for yourself in the end, not them.

Answer 6

Aww Gee U should be over it your married & have a child just take one day at a time & I'm sure time will heal all your wounds.
Good Luck

Answer 7

I'll be really surprised if anything I say is at all helpful, but I'll try:

First, they may end up being happy. You won't necessarily know about it, though; so you have to first assume there's a chance they won't be happy. Think of the line from the song, "The Gambler": "They'll be time enough for counting when the dealin's done."

Next, one of the hardest things to deal with is feeling that someone has done something, and there has been no justice. It is probably harder to deal with the "no justice" thing than it was to deal with the original thing someone did.

Maybe what you need to do to try to stop feeling that there was no justice is to re-think how you see the whole thing: What did he do? He stopped dating that girl to date you. Maybe she felt just like you did when he broke up with her. Maybe she thinks there is now justice for her. (I don't mean to be offensive to you, I'm just trying to be objective and candid.)

What else did he do? He made a decision to end a relationship that wasn't right with you. Maybe it didn't feel like it at the time (or even now), but he did you a favor. He ended something wrong so that you could go on and find something right. Maybe it hurt at the time, but it wasn't all that evil a thing for him to do. He could have strung you along forever in a relationship he didn't feel right in; and that would have been far lousier than his breaking up.

You found someone you love and have your baby. Is there some justice in that? Aren't you in a situation that is nice and should make you happy?

With all due respect (and, again, I'm just trying to offer some objective perspective), the fact that you had panic attacks and all the other awful stuff is awful and sad; but it may not be the most typical way for most young women to respond to a breakup. For whatever reason (whether the intensity of your attachment to him or some other thing), you had essentially some kind of awful breakdown; but he had no idea that would happen. It was an awful set of emotional responses to something you saw as horrible happening, but - in fairness to him - he probably would never have guessed such a thing would happen.

I'm sure you hated his breaking up with you, but I don't think you can blame him for your response and mental health problems.

You said this was four years ago and that for two years all you did was work and go home. You also say you've been married for two years, so that has to mean you met your husband during those two first (of the four) years and married him fairly quickly.
If you think about how all break-ups take several months (at least) for many people to really get over, the fact that you were ready to get married and have a baby two years after the break-up would say one of two things - either you got married and weren't completely over the experience or else you got over the experience more quickly than you realize.

With all due respect, I don't think your former boyfriend deserves to have a "curse" wished on him because all he did was break up. If you had been on more solid ground emotionally maybe you would have been able to cope better. I think maybe you brought some emotional issues into that old relationship, and maybe those are what caused the strain on your relationship with him - not necessary the other girlfriend. I'm not saying this is how it had to be. I'm saying these are things to consider and think about. If you look at things from different angles and perspectives it may help some of your anger die down. He didn't necessary cause your nightmare. You responded to the reasonable thing he did of breaking up with serious problems.

One good sign is that you were able to continue to work.

Is there any chance that the thing that's really irking you is that you were the one he left her for, but now she gets to feel like she "won"? I'm not qualfiied to make psychoanalytical guesses and I don't pretend I am. I do wonder, though, (just in pondering this) if you may feel that her getting the guy and marrying him is a sign that "the gods are on her side" rather than yours (no matter how happy you are with your marriage and baby). Do you feel like unless "the gods" punish her and him that you can't feel ok about your place in the middle for a while? Might you be thinking your mental health problems were punishment, and the only way you can "even things out" is to see them punished too? This might make you feel as if either nobody was being punished, everybody was being punished, or maybe even that your suffering was punishment; but that their would be?

Don't let him/them take more from you than he/they already have. You have your baby and your husband. You have to trust that if people do awful things they often "get theirs" from "the gods"; but I think, too, you need to realize he did what he felt he had to do; and I really do not think he wanted to cause you to go through all that (I know I could be wrong).

Another quite normal thing is this: You heard they're getting married. For now its brought up the past for you to be thinking about again and even stewing over. Chances are once you process this news and process your thoughts about wanting them to be unhappy it will all pass. Maybe these thoughts you're having are just the tail-end of the getting over it process.

Look at your sweet little baby and imagine how this ex-boyfriend did you a favor by breaking up. Look at the little sweety you have now because the old boyfriend broke up, and you found someone better. Try not to look at any "dues" you paid. Try to look at how blessed you are now and consider where you are now as yet one other thing that has come your break-up.

Life is way too short to use up your precious mental energy thinking about old crap when you have that little baby to be spending your energies on. At 16 months he/she has had - what - two Christmases? My kids are grown, and you wouldn't believe how fast it goes by. Look at your ten fingers and ten toes (or your babies) and mentally set aside two toes. Now you're looking at 18 fingers and toes. Set aside one more toe for this Christmas, and now you're looking at fingers/toes that represent 17 more Christmases before your child is 20. If you look at the fingers on one hand you're looking at how many more Christmases before your child may no longer believe in Santa Claus.

I don't mean to preach. I'm just trying to put the whole business in perspective. Life doesn't look so short when you have a baby and are imagining how far away the future is; but anyone with college-aged kids will tell you that the time goes by so shockingly quickly it is almost horrifying. Enjoy your baby and your husband and any more babies that come along. Forget about those other people. They've already taken more from you than anyone should allow anyone else to take; and its time for you to decide its just old crap that you don't care about at this point.

Good luck.