How can I help/advise my son without being an interfering monster-in law?

Question

My son has been married less than two years and his life is hell-o. His wife constantly berates him, screams, throws things, puts him down, won't do one bit of housework and on and on. He's not perfect either though. His language belongs on a dock and they fight ALL the time. How can I help them see that they need to either figure out how to solve the problems before one of them gets hurt - or give it up as a lost cause? He has a baby girl that hears all their fighting and shouldn't have to grow up in that. He recognizes that but doesn't know what to do. He's tried talking to her, suggesting they go to counselling etc. but her emotional level is about 14. I don't want to butt into their marriage but seeing them so miserable makes it hard to keep my mouth shut. Advice?

Adding - I don't say anything to them, and believe me, I don't think it's one sided. She wasn't preg when they got married - the baby is his, not hers (I say baby, but she's three, not an infant). Yes, money is part of their problem. The one thing I NEVER want to be is an interfering old biddy. I'd just like to see both of them happy. I like his wife, so if I sounded like I was putting her down I didn't mean to. I just think they're both immature and need some help figuring out how to be a family.

Answer 1

After having the mother in law from hell. I really appreciate you trying to let them work things out.But has a mother myself I understand your need to help your son.It doesn't matter how old our babies are they are still our babies and we have an primal urge to protect them.That being said you are also a mother again in two respects you have a full grown daughter in you daughter in law and you have a baby daughter in your grandchild.And has the senior Mom of the family it is your responsibility to step up and be the mom her and explain to these two grown children that the behavior they are displaying in front of your grandchild is a form of abuse and won't be tolerated.They need to work things out or someone needs to walk out.I had parents that fought all the time when I was growing up.Has a result I had a bleeding ulcer at the age of 12 from the stress in our household.Do what you think is best for the baby the adults can do for themselves.Best of luck.

Answer 2

Young couples, child involved, its hard...been there. Loved the advice of you taking the child for the weekend and let them have sometime to find themselves again. For your daughter in law not doing the house work could be your son is a pig and shes frustrated and has decided the hell w/it. There could be money issues which has stressed them both out. Money is the #1 reason for divorce. I think the best thing is to stay out of it,,,if they want your advice someone will speak up. Just when you see them and you notice tension you could just say " Everything ok...is there anything I can do to help?" Thats a good opener but leave it at that if thats what they want. You can also suggest a dinner just w/your son and talk. My dad does this but if I tell him I dont want to discuss it w/him that its between him and I then he leaves it be and thats what you should do but still be there for him. Theres no reason why you cant once a month have a son mother night out and if she cant handle that then its up to him to handle him. Is your son a mommas boy or is he just PW'ed? What has caused her outrage? You dont know everything and your son might not be completely honest w/you either so dont go slandering her for her actions when those actions could be the whole reason for it. Catch you tongue or you might be eating crow.

Answer 3

If your son remains in this marriage then he is CHOOSING to go through what he is going through, it's not his wife's fault that he CHOOSES to stay. Why they got married in the first place is something I probably couldn't fathom other than she was probably pregnant at the time and he was intent on "doing the right thing" for all of the wrong reasons. Neither one of them sounds mature enough to be married and raising a child, your son is no futher along emotionally than his wife in my book. The both need to grow up, but neither one of them will. Simply put if it were my son, I'd butt out they're not going to stay married anyway.

Answer 4

Tell HIM to go to counseling; alone. It usually helps even if the other spouse doesn't go. One person gets healthy and the other either follows suit, or the healthy one can spot a lost cause; or at least see with eyes wide open.
Other than that, pray.
My son has the same type of relationship with his girlfriend. Although I like the girl, they are like oil and water. I've told them both this, but it does no good. I'm just hoping they won't ever marry.
Kids.

Answer 5

I suggest you butt out. But not completely. Take your granddaughter for the weekend, so they have time to talk about their marriage.

And don't believe everything that you hear from your son, because you don't live with them so you don't know the whole story and probably never will.

Seriously stay out of their problems, because then you'll be another reason for them to fight (unless that is what you want).

Answer 6

This isn't going to work out. Interfering will only make things worse. He should divorce her right away. Not good for the kid to have this go on. Not good for either of them, too. Sorry. I can't imagine that she works, so he'll have to pay. And she won't leave him alone after the divorce - it'll always be something she hates him for, mainly for getting rid of her. Even though she is better off without him, also. My sympathies.

Answer 7

There is really nothing you can do your son is now an adult. The only thing you can do is try to reason with them and tell them they are not just hurting themselves but hurting that innocent child they have. You should ask if they want you to watch your grandchild while they go out and try to fix thier marriage.

Answer 8

Well, I think you are right to stay out of it completely. Don't give ANY advice unless asked by one or the other of the two.
Take your granchild as often as you can, and eventually one will get tired of this kind of life.
It's your son's decision to marry this person. He has to make his own mistakes and learn how to communicate and correct them.

Answer 9

This is hard, but as with all people you don't step in until you are asked to do so. UNLESS you fear for the safety of the child. If you fear for the child's safety then call protective services on them (tough love) and express your concerns to them.

Answer 10

My mother n law says butt in say what is exactly on your mind start with I love you both but.... and then say what you feel and what you mean exactly!!!! Tell them to take it for what it is worth.. i get along with my mother n law and take her advice to heart because she loves me!