Marriage question...?

Question

What can I do about my husband (besides leave him)? He refuses to help out around the house and he doesn't help out with our almost 2 year old. He is hateful and calls me and our daughter names. He expects me to do everything. I work, cook, clean, and do EVERYTHING. He doesnt lift a finger. He even goes all day without eating when I am at work and cannot cook for him because he is so lazy. What can I do or say to help him change? He grew up in a very nasty environment when he was a kid. His parents were druggies and alcoholics and abusive. He used to be so different but it is like after we got married and had a baby it all went downhill.

Answer 1

He needs to know your fed up- Let him know that you are willing to try to save your marriage, but you refuse to live like this any longer... Him calling you and your daughter names is just sickening... I don't care what kind of childhood he had, it's over... Time to be a man/husband/father. If he will go to counseling, it's worth a shot, if not, you and your little girl are better off. Good Luck.

Answer 2

Well,
This is a tough question. I am a guy and engaged. I would sit down and talk with him first and see if something can be done about this. Say how you feel and always remember to talk nicely to each other, once one of ya's raises the voice, the other will respond the same way. Don't use the word "you" when saying how you feel, it sounds very direct and harsh. Here is something not to say, "you are sitting there doing nothing while I cook, etc". It would sound better as, "I feel that maybe we could cook together", or, "This hurts my feelings when I hear this" taher than, "you hurt my feelings". Ask yourself these very same questions and what would you feel like if you were asked a question that had the word "you" in it and not something like "I" or "we". Its always good to talk about things first, having a troubled past has much to do with something like this and its something to work on and not give up on. Also, rather look at all the bad things, look at the when you first started and all the happy times together. Hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Wee Man.

Answer 3

Communication is the key to sorting out any problems in a relationship. Tell your husband exactly what you stated in your problem. Talk to him in a caring way and dicuss your feelings and ask him about his because that way your able to at least target exactly why he is being the way he is. Ask him why he feels its ok to treat you and your daughter then way he has been.
Also let him know that you love him, that you want to support him and tell him you are not a door mat now that your married.
Let him know that marriage is a two way street and he needs to put in some effort too. Everything wont change overnight but giving it time will help you both learn, many men dont like counsellors/anybody to tell them how they should be in a marriage all you can do is suggest to see a counsellor and if he doesnt like the idea you need to do some research, read books, search the web and find ways of communicating and helping your husband.
Its too easy to divorce him, you will appreciate your relationship so much more when the problem is resolved and you will more then likely be more in love with him then ever.
Look for guidance too, ask friends, family or even a pastor from church.

Answer 4

bad childhood is no excuse anymore for him, he is a grown man and has to act like one, if you can stay over at someone's house for a while then do so and before you go tell him that he should straighten up and do some work around the house. if you can do all that im sure you can move in with someone else for a bit or into your own apartment and if he doesnt then you dont deserve that treatment because there cannot be a way that you will love him after all that,you have to think about your children too, if he gets abusive you might get too scared to get out because of him then you AND your children are trapped so i suggest you watch out for yourself and your kids, im sure you can do soooo much better. i hope he does change though cause it seems like you really do love him. good luck to you

Answer 5

Why is it that hes not working and you have to? Tell him, if he doesnt want to go out and get a job, the least he can do is some house chores. Be firm, yet not rude, that he needs to start taking on some responsibility around the household. Also explain to him that its not good for y'alls daughter to see the verbal abuse. Its teaching her that its ok to be like that and y'all will have problems down the road with her if this continues. He needs to know that his childhood wasnt the greatest and y'all should feel that your daughter deserves a better childhood than what he had. If he doesnt want to change, you can always move on and find someone who respects you for who you are and will take care of you and your daughter the way y'all deserve.

Answer 6

sweetheart, you can't change this man. he has to want to change. he has to start by respecting you as his wife. you are not his maid or nanny! he is responsible for helping you take care of your children and helping you with the house work. and he certainly does not need to be calling you or your little girl names. that is absolutely unacceptable! if he keeps that up, she will end up with someone just like him for a husband, and I'm sure you nor him would want that for her. name calling can scar a person for the rest of their lives. if he thinks that because his parents were drug addicts, alcoholics, and abusers, it somehow gives him the right to treat you and the children badly, he is sadly mistaken, and has learned nothing in his life! I have heard people say that they grew up in a bad or abusive home, and that it gave them motivation to do better with their own lives, and made them want the very best for their families! you and your children are living in the house with an abuser, and that's not right, especially to the children. you need to tell this man that he'd better do some serious changing or you will be forced to leave him. you don't deserve to suffer because he's too lazy to do anything for himself or anyone else, and the children most definately do not deserve to suffer because of it, and none of you deserve to be verbally abused by him. I know you said that you don't want to leave him, but there comes a time when it's an only option. and I personally feel that it's at that point now. if you don't do something, he'll be hitting those children next, and probably you too. take care of your children and yourself. you all deserve better.
I Wish You the Best

Answer 7

That is a frustrating situation, the fact is that once someone gets set in thier ways its hard to break em. He might not change because he knows that you are going to do everything so as long as you're there what does he need to do anything for (his thinking) You might just have to face reality and leave him before he becomes really abusive to you and your kids. Because no matter what some believe good women don't deserve that type of treatment

Answer 8

I know everyone is going to offer there opinions and so will I. I was feeling underappreciated in my marriage until I read the book "The 5 Love Languages" Basically it broke it down to where he doesn't know how to communicate with you in your language, whether you want to hear I love you, or he gives you little gifts to prove it, does things around the house......etc. Basically after reading the book it got better. Leaving is really not an option unless it is an abusive relationship. Leaving doesn't solve anything it just shows you've given up. If it is love then it is worth fighting for.
I wish you the best.

Answer 9

I would tell him look - either we go to counseling together, and start dealing with these obvious, crippling issues from your past that are ruining our marriage, and we see change in 3 months, or it's over. I can't let myself or our child grow up in the same hell you had when you were a kid. Didn't you hate that environment? Then work with me to make it not like that for me and you and our daughter.

This isn't just me making some stupid request like wallpaper color - this is the right thing to do and it's an important life issue that will make or break our marriage."

Either he goes or he digs in his heels. If he digs in, dump his a$s. He is an abusive creep.

Answer 10

I think if this consists any longer you guys should leave him. You and your daughter shouldn't be treated this way. Your daughter is now going to be growing up in a bad environment which isn't to good for her. If that's not what you want then maybe consider a marriage counsellor for some help and support. You have my support and i hope everything turns out for the best.

Shawna. =)

Answer 11

From my own experience, you can't change him. He has to want to change himself. Now, I am not implying that this will happen to you, but it did to me. My marriage went exactly like yours is going. We were married for 12 years and what started like yours ended up with him burning our children with a lighter and a heck of a beating for me. If he is calling your child names and is being hateful its apparent that he is unhappy for whatever reason. My ex had parents just the same as your husband and he was lazy also. My best advice is to get out while the gettings good. Don't ever let him make you think that you can't make it without him because you can. I am going to college and I have three kids.