My wife had a miscarriage last week. My friend was initially great saying he was there for me. However he has become very insensitive since then. He tells me I should be positive and move on. He hasn't phoned or offered to meet me to chat.
He's going through a tough time (ex girlfriend moving away) but I feel this pales into comparison to what I'm going through.
I'm very angry just now and don't know what to do.
Can anyone help?
2006-12-07 09:27:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Your angry because your wife had a miscarriage. He is insensitive because he has not been through something like that and he is going through something that he is not quite sure how to feel about....You both are going through something very emotional and neither one of you is in the position to help the other. You both have expectations of one another and emotionally neither one of you can be there. Please don't compare emotional pain. We are all built different and we handle things different. A hurt is a hurt. Instead of being angry at each other, why don't the two of you let some time pass and then call or email him. Invite him to lunch or dinner. Why don't you focus on your wife, only the two of you know how a miscarriage feels. I am sorry for your loss and I hope that you have all the healthy and beautiful children you and your wife desire. God Bless!
2006-12-07 09:39:26 · answer #1 · answered by kymmy_kins 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly really sorry to hear about the baby.
Secondly, to you his problems are tiny compared to yours, but everyone's problems always seem huge to the person involved, (even if actually they are tiny!), try not to be angry with him, he cannot possibly understand what you are going through, just as you probably don't understand what he is going through.
Say you're sorry he is going through a tough time and that maybe you have not been as understanding as you could be, but this is probably because you are obviously not feeling great either given what has occurred, he has not been through what you have, and you may not have been through what he is so it is hard for either party to understand the other's situation, but at the end of the day you do not want this to affect your friendship? How about going to the pub so that both of you can have a good old vent about your situations? He may well be feeling that you have not been there for him either, which I know is really hard when you're going through something yourself but people rarely think about that sort of thing!
I am sure his remarks about moving on etc were given with all best intentions at heart.
If he is a real friend he should understand.
2006-12-07 10:02:05 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry about your loss and hope that you reach some comfort in these hard times, especially so near to the holidays. As far as the friend goes some people have very private thoughts about things like that, expecially if they themselves have not gone through it. I would wait for some time to pass between both you and your friend talking and between what has so recently happened to you and your wife. Maybe, once things have calmed down, then you two might be able to exchange letters or emails just to chat. Eventually moving towards a time when you two are able to talk in person.
2006-12-07 10:11:40 · answer #3 · answered by ambr95012 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pain is pain and he is obviously going through something that hurts too. If you are friends don't you think you should be there for eachother?
My mother died at the same time as my best friend found out that she could not have children with her husband and would have to go through IVF... We were both devestated for very different reasons and in the great scheme of things I suspect death to be a bigger issue. That didn't change the fact that we offered eachother support and listened to eachother and it was never a "My grief is bigger than yours" scenario. I was never annoyed at her getting air time to voice her feelings because to her, in that moment, it was the worst possible news she could have... As was mine.
Maybe he senses that you are somewhat belittling of his issues. Maybe he is feeling depressed. Maybe he doesn't know what you need from him. Maybe as you haven't called either he thinks you want to be alone with your wife at this time and will let him know when you need him (I assume you aren't expecting him to be psychic).
A lot of friends left me alone when my mother died and didn't contact me because they either didn't know what to say or thought that was what I wanted. It was only when I told them that anything they said was ok and there was no perfect way to deal with grieving daughters and that the last thing I wanted was to be on my own... Only when I made it clear what I needed that my friends were able to give me just that.
I understand what you have gone through is very big and very traumatic and difficult to deal with. I had friends telling me that "time is a great healer" "you are strong and a survivor, you'll be fine" and many other great onliners that are pretty empty... There isn't a book on what to say in these situations so you have to be a little forgiving when people come out with these things... they say it because they feel they have to say something but words really just don't cut it.
Hard as it may be to hear being positive and moving on are exactly what you need to do though it may be a little early in the healing process to do this.
If you want to mend bridges you have to offer a little forgiveness and understanding and TELL the guy what you need right now. Maybe ask how he is handling his stuff too. Meet for a pint or whatever you do as friends. Just call him say "Well, I'm feeling like ****, hows about you?" But before you do you really need to let go of the anger towards him... my gut feeling tells me that maybe the anger isn't really about him but is an easier outlet than the obvious one.
Sounds to me like you could both do with a friend right now.
2006-12-07 09:49:40 · answer #4 · answered by Lara L 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you sound as if you're a good bloke, sensitive to the distress that your wife [and of course you] are going through, and your friends problems too. I would suggest that you approach your friend and explain how you feel without being confrontational or accusatory and see how he reacts. If he remains insensitive and remote, then he may not be the friend you thought he was.
2006-12-07 09:58:07 · answer #5 · answered by I tell you whut! 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does he know exactly how you feel? Tell him. Tell him exactly how you feel and encourage him to do the same with you. There may be a good reason for his distance or there may not. But find out-things may not move on until you do. In my experience (few years as they may be) I find that others may have valid reasons to act in such ways. But then I don't know the ins ad outs of your situation. I would encourage honesty and openness.
2006-12-07 11:00:29 · answer #6 · answered by freegrounds 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey! just be there for your wife. your friend cant know what you are going thru.. just leave him be for a while, if he is a true friend, he will realise, and so will you, that at certain times we can empathise, but we cant fully understand what the other persons feeling!
miscarriages are ****. i had one, and it was the worst thing ever.
people will avoid you in the street, as they dont know what to say, they arent being rude, its just human nature mate!
Be there for your wife, she needs you so much..
all the best x
2006-12-07 22:54:54 · answer #7 · answered by tiny_lou1965 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one knows how painful it is to lose a baby unless you have experienced it yourself. Your friend seems to think baby is gone and that's the end of it. I don't think he is being insensitive, he just doesn't know what it feels like and therefore is saying the wrong things to you. Why don't you ring him. xx
2006-12-07 09:37:16 · answer #8 · answered by RUTH M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
SMILE and say HELLO. That really burns them up.
2006-12-07 09:37:45 · answer #9 · answered by butterfly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
leave it - look after the wife - he'll be back.
2006-12-07 09:35:25 · answer #10 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋