any one been through an emotionaly bad divorce?

Question

i'm new to this so bear with me..... i'm going through a divorce. she left me and she says it's my fault which some of it is.... but, i've never cheated on her and she's cheated on me. i found out that the night that i left.....she was sleeping with my so called friend. so, i don't want her back but, what do i do about the pain. not only am i hurting badly on the inside.....but, i also feel a huge sense of betrayal. i am getting therapy but, my therapist has never even been married. how do i get over this so that i can just move on and how can i help convince my self not to go back to her if she tries to get me back. i don't want to be cheated on any more. please help. thanks everyone

Answer 1

My man, your post is almost exactly what I would have wrote 17 months ago. I'm SO sorry. Dude, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

You know, you are the first person I have ever heard of whose biggest fear was the exact same as mine. Just like you, my biggest fear was that I would break down and take her back whenever she came crawling. My man, mine did come back crawling, but, some how, I was able to tell her no. The horrible thing is that, like you, before she did that I was worried that I might break down and take her back. However, after she did it, I have often wondered if I made the wrong decision.

Dude, like you, I have accepted a great deal of the fault for my wife leaving, even though she was the one who cheated and left. Unfortunately, I have dwelled on all of the things that I could have done better. I'm betting that you are doing the same thing. The truth is, and you know it as well as I do, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING!

I know how bad you are hurting. I know how betrayed you feel. Unfortunately, I am still there. Oh, it isn't anything like it was right after it happened. Time dulls the pain. However, 17 months later, I am still hurting.

I know exactly what you mean about the therapist. I went to one 2 times, but she was so out of touch with reality that I quit going. Writing has helped me and so has talking to friends.

I wish you the best, my man. Holla if you'd like.

Stay Up Playa!

Answer 2

Going thur a divorce is the hardest thing I have ever done. It has been 4 years since , my ex left and 2 years since the divorce was final. But there is still hurt. How long were you married. My lawyer said it takes 3 months for every year you were with that person to get over the divorce. Betrayal cuts clear to your soul. You lose trust in yourself for not seeing it and trust in others. The holiday season make it even harder. Just take one step at a time. Keep going to counceling, maybe seek a counciler that is married so you feel more comfortable. Seek out your friends and family and try and stay busy. Life does go on. But it takes a long time. My life gets better every day. But there is still time that I get tear in my eye

Answer 3

Most people I know have experienced betrayal from their loved ones. Both my parents' former spouses betrayed them in the worst manner. My own prior marriage has ended this way (husband walked out to be with another woman). It hurts, but people carry on. Unfortunately, there's no way "around" the pain; you have to live "through" it to put it behind. Tough it out; I promise you, one day you will feel "whole" again, and this episode will seem like a bad dream. Reach out to your friends and family; those who care about you will gladly offer their help and support.

My parents have now been married (to each other) for 33 years; I got married again recently. Things get better in time, and we all find happiness again. Traumatic experiences offer you an opportunity for growth and self-understanding. Speaking from my own experience, going through a traumatic experience made me stronger and more confident in myself.

I don't know what may help you cope with pain better; I found that keeping a journal was a good way to unload some of the burden, and to start making sense of everything. Also, keeping pets was very soothing for the soul, and it forced me to care for something other than myself. My friends and family were extremely supportive, without them things would have been much harder. Also, at that time I started getting involved in new hobbies just to keep my mind off of things, and ended up meeting new people this way. Best of luck.

Answer 4

My wife pulled the "it's not you, it's me routine" one night and left me, just like that. I was a wreck for couple of months. I found getting together with friends, going to various concerts, and seeing the ex as infrequently as possible, to be the best remedies. If you have the ability to take a small vacation and meet some totally new people, do it. There is a whole world out there to be explored. I don't believe in shrinks, personally, and it doesn't seem to be helping you either. In any case, the sooner you get her out of your head the better. As for the not being cheated on again, ever, there is no guaranty for that. Enjoy life, and do not build walls of fear around you (this sounds slogany, but holds true). Remember: you are not alone!

Answer 5

God that sucks!!! I went through almost the same exact thing 3 yrs ago. I caught her in bed with this guy she knew and was doing "handyman" work around the house. Of course she blamed me, divorced me, and re-married with this guy within a year. There is no magic way to "get over it" I'm afraid to tell you that this will probably stick with you in some way for the rest of your life. The good news is that it does fade, doesn't go away completely, but does fade as time goes on. I went to therapy, took medication and read books about divorce and depression, but the only thing that really helps is time. I know it sucks and I would love to tell you differently, but I personally cant. Feel free to contact me. Hope this helps in some way.

Answer 6

poor baby - there are plenty of women out there who would love to comfort you, but first you gotta get your head together over your hurt and betrayal and start feeling good about yourself again - just because your therapist has not been married they still know about betray & hurt feelings - if you have to, change therapists, but the best thing rite now is to stay in therapy - it's the best gift you can give yourself & think how together you will be for your next relationship - don't rush things - just be happy each day that you have exorcised yourself of the bad seed of an ex-wife - you have to learn to forgive her & then eventually move on - don't let the anger you have for her ruin you, cause it will if you don't let it go.

Answer 7

Good for you for identifying what you're feeling and talking to a therapist about it!! I don't know you but I'm proud of you for taking steps to better yourself after this situation. If you're not completely comfortable with your therapist, find one that you are comfortable with.

There's nothing we can do to help you get through the feelings of betrayal you're feeling; but if she comes back to you, keep these feelings in the front of your mind, to remind you of what she did, and will likely do again.

You're on the right path. Paths are always hard to cut in the beginning. It will get better and you will get better, I promise. Keep your time busy, even get a night job or something (it helped me). Try not to dwell on the pain, it's an easy rut to get into.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Take the time to do things for yourself that make YOU happy. Go out and do the things that marriage has kept you from doing. Only you can realistically get you through this trying time. True, it takes time to get over such emotionally hurtful times but, the sooner you out and realize how much joy and happiness is out there, the sooner you'll be over it. Believe me, as I realized, anyone can hurt you but, only you can decide what direction you want to go in. Only you can change negative thoughts into positive ones. And only you can know that the future holds so much more for you than this brief past. Just remember, you're the man. You will get through this.

Answer 9

wow,.."mr. johnson"? Use anothers pain and grief to try and shill your website? Man,....you are one sad piece of work. I feel almost as sorry for you as this guy,....almost.

Dude,...been there, done that. Its a trite saying but, "time heals all wounds"...trust me,..it does. Its going to be hard man,..not going to lie, but one day it WILL be over. You will be a better man for it.

II know its not what you are looking for,...but there IS NO quick solution,..it hurts man. I know.. Like some here have said, keep busy, use this time to get some things in your life in order,..you have the time now,..what you do NOT need to do is get involved in a relationship, you are too hurt and damaged right now to do anyone any good. On the "rebound" is not a good place to be. Avoid that for the time being,...then ease into it.

Stay strong man,...and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 10

I sure hope that you find a healthy outlet to help you move on with your life and not look back. Just remember, when one door closes another one opens. I admire the fact that you are willing to own up to your faults in the relationship too. Too many are quick to totally blame their partner, which she has done. You are better off without her. If she cheated on you she will on him too. Be strong and let yourself heal before you start a new relationship. You are in my prayers.