Can you write an amusing paragraph or 2 or 3 that has a mystery theme, and incorporates these random phrases?

Question

1. Professor Plum, in the conservatory
2. The facts just don't add up
3. Who would do a thing like that?
4. Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.
5. His mother was a Roman Catholic, his father was an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the marriage.
6. No pulse, no heartbeat. If this condition does not change, this man is dead.

Answer 1

'You do not have to say anything unless you wish to do so, but it may harm your defense if you do not answer when questioned anything which you may later rely on in court. Do you understand'. Detective Chief Inspector Arbon from New Scotland Yard stood in front of Professor Plum in the conservatory of his North London home. 'From what you told the Constable who first arrived, I am sorry Professor, but the facts just don't add up. You say that he must have been attacked during the course of a Burglary but nothing seems to be missing from the house. It would also appear to have been committed by someone who knew the victim'. Professor Plum said not a word but continued to look down at the floor. 'Who would do a thing like that Professor, Arbon asked, boiling inside but remaining calm and quiet on the outside. Plum spoke for the first time 'He was always getting into arguments - his shoemaker, his tailor, his barber and even as far as I know, it could have been possibly some deranged dry cleaner. He was never happy with anyone's work'. 'Don't talk rubbish, Professor Plum' Arbon stressed, raising his voice for the first time. He had decided that the Professor would probably respond better to authority. 'You know damn well what happened - now tell me before I do something I might regret'. The Detective Sergeant accompanying Arbon turned his back on the conversation - there was no way he wanted to be a witness to what Arbon might or might not do.

'Alright, alright' Plum cried out 'it's a long story which might need some explaining. Although he was a very wealthy man, he was an unhappy one. You see his mother was a roman Catholic, his father was an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the marriage. Two hours Chief Inspector - how do you think he felt. He was the laughing stock of Stamford Hill and Golders Green. He never got over it and swore to reek revenge on the entire family'.

'What did he do' Arbon asked, lowering his voice once more now that he had Plum talking. 'He organised a major fraud on all the companies owned or involving the families - they all ended up bankrupt and pennyless - including me. This house and all its contents are no longer mine - he finally managed to bring me down like the rest of them'.
With that, Plum lifted the glass to his mouth and took a large mouthful of the contents. 'So you see, Chief Inspector, he might have brought me down, but he never lived to see it happen'. With that he crashed out of his armchair onto the floor dropping the glass from his hands as he fell.

The Detective Sergeant ran to him and tried to check his breathing. 'No pulse, no heartbeat. If this condition does not change, this man is dead Guvnor'. 'OK Sergeant' Arbon said with a smile on his face 'lets get this straight, before he fell he said he did it - we'll dot the 'i' and cross the 't' when we get back to the office. Another case solved Sergeant and this time, no fancy trick-cyclist or dodgy defense barrister will get this one off at the Old Bailey......................................'

Answer 2

The boy ran into the office and looked around. Where was that darn fox? "I saw it go in here," he thought, "but I don't see it. The facts just don't add up."

Then he saw a lamp shade that had a really big tail sticking out. A fox made into a lamp? Who would do a thing like that? Possibly some deranged dry cleaner. Then the truth hit the boy.

"A ha!" he cried, seizing the cowering vixen. He then marched off to see the White House vet so the fox could get a check-up. The vet was a professor who was dedicated to animals. It was probably because his mother was a Roman Catholic, his father an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the marriage. The professor grew up lonely, with few friends except for animals.

"Where is Professor Plum?" the boy asked the receptionist.

"Professor Plum, in the conservatory, as usual," replied the receptionist is a bored tone. She didn't even notice the fox the boy was carrying.

As soon as he reached the conservatory, the boy found the professor - lying on the floor! He knew basic first aid, so he rushed to the man's side. "No pulse, no heartbeat. If this condition does not change, this man is dead." whispered the boy.

"Well, no kidding," retorted the fox, "Very brilliant observation, Mr. Foxnapper."

Answer 3

I was walking along, innocently minding my own business, when I heard a peculiar voice come over the intercom. "Professor Plum, please come to the conservatory. Professor Plum, in the conservatory -now!" it said in the manner of an old person convinced she was not heard the first time.
It wasn't the voice that was odd however, but rather the person they were calling. You see, the conservatory here was a place where five men played instruments all day long. It wasn't the normal conservatory you'd expect to find, but a very strange one... You see, all of them were deaf, so it sounds awful -but I digress. I was wondering, because Professor Plum is a botonist, not a musician. Who'd call him to the conservatory? Possibly some deranged dry cleaner. You see, he hated music. Ever since he heard the story of his parents, he'd hated music, wedding cakes, brides, and anything else you'd find at a wedding. You see, his mother was a Roman Catholic, his father was an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the marriage. And now someone was calling him to the conservatory? The facts just don't add up. I had to investigate!!! I promptly went to the conservatory, where I found him lying on the floor. I checked, and then thought to myself " No pulse, no heartbeat. If this condition does not change, this man is dead." Who would do a thing like that? Then I looked around, and was stunned to realize that he had died from the tintinnabulation resounding in the room!

Answer 4

"Say it, say it! I lost the nest egg, an I believe that Tom is evil. He will crash that boat of ours off Catalina, and drown-then the seals or sharks will eat him. If you don't agree with me, then Toot toot Tootsie, goodbye! You know, I'm begiging to repel the people that I'm trying to seduce. Say, wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desparation made us more attractive?" How's that for a try at it?

Answer 5

She slammed the door hard against the blowing wind outside. She shook the snow out of her hair and shivered. she hated walking all the way over here, especially in the dead of winter. but with her project due on monday, she knew she had to get going.
as she walked down the empty hall, she heard a pecuilar sound comming from the conservatory. She stepped up to the room and put her ear to the door. She held her breath. nothing. as she opened the door and peaked inside, she couldn't believe her eyes; there was professor plum, in the conservatory, releasing the tension of being a man. he looked over and saw her staring at him in disbelief. " Jamie, no, close the door!!" he shouted. She slammed the door shut and ran back down the empty hallway. She was sickened. Who would do a thing like that? How would she ever face this man in class on monday? as she ran to the door, she spotted something sticking out of the greenhouse door. She couldn't quite make out what it was. She so badly just wanted to get out now, but it appeared to be a woman, lying on the ground. "hello?" she called. "do you need help?" as she stood above the figure, she let out an ear peircing scream. There was Mrs. smith, back down, covered in a clear dry cleaners bag . On her forehead were the words "dry clean only" writen in what appeared to be blood. She trembled uncontrollably, to shocked to call the police. Could the killer still be there? Possibly some deranged dry cleaner, pissed off about his economics grade (mrs. smith wasn't the easiest grader). Then she remembered professor plum. could he possibly be responsible?
Professor plum was always a little offbeat. His socks never matched, and he always had on a purple shirt under his ugly wool jacket. Rumor was that at 54, he lived at home in his mother's basement, answering her every whim and call and talking to his plants. They say his mother was a roman catholic and his father was an orthodox jew. They were seperated 2 hours after the marriage after his catholic grandparents found out she was pregnant. His mother never heard from him again. No one knows what happend that night, but that now the professor spent his nights at home, filing down foot corns and opening cans of vienna sausages. But could he be responsible for this hanous crime? Just then a loud thud interupted her thoughts. It came from the conservatory. Frightened and sick, she tiptoed over. She kept telling herself, "just go home Jamie". But her curiousity got the best of her. As quietly as she could, she pushed open the heavy door, just a crack. She cranned her neck to see inside. There layed professor plum on the floor, blood encircling his red hair. She moaned in disbelief as she saw him there, dead as a doorknob, meat in hand, and a big grin frozen on his face. She turned her head and vommited, heaving her chest, tears streaming down her face. She pulled back her hair and noticed a phone in the corner. She picked up the reciever and dialed 911. Her body shook violently as a woman answered "911 emergency, how can i help you?" She struggled to get the words out. " I..I..I have an emergency... two professors dead.. I.. I think there both dead." "Have you checked for a pulse ,honey?" the lady responded. "nnnn...no, I didn't." she said, she reached her hand down to his neck and pressed her index finger to the side. "no, no pulse." she stammered "What about a heartbeat?" the lady asked. Jamie swallowed hard as she got down on her knees, just inches away from his manhood. It seemed to stare at her, taunt her, with one eye open. she cringes as she put her head to his chest, listening for any sound of life. " no, ma'am, no heartbeat" said jamie. the lady replied" Your going to have to perform cpr love. I'll talk you through it. No pulse, no heartbeat. If this condition does not change, this man is dead. Got it?" "uhh, ok..." she said. she tipped the professors head back, and just as she was about to press her mouth against his, the professor popped up. He screamed at the top of his lungs. His threw a handful of semen in her face. As she threw her hands up to wipe off the mess, the professor grabbed the phone and knocked her in the back of the head. He pulled a wire hanger from inside his coat and impailed it inside her chest. Jamie now layed, motionless, no pulse, no heartbeat. Professor plum stood off, brushed the soil off of his jacket, and opened the door. "I'd better hurry.." he thought to himselfs. "mama's gonna be mad...."