Read Please?

Question

Please read these writings and tell me how they sound. Are they uninteresting, does it drag on, is it hard to understand, is it undeveloped, would you read the rest of the novel? Please tell me how it could be better ect… THANK YOU

…….The sun rose with the hint of blood from the broken night. The pieces of the hours prior were lost in the uneasy mist of the morning wind. Nevertheless the people below this first light would remember the past moment every day of there life. They will wait on the hope that maybe the lives of their children would arise once more from the bloodied soil that was once the blocks to their home.
And-

…..The leaves taped around the floor as though mournful dancers flowing movement over movement around the trees. There doleful dance was filled with freedom and beauty. But the steel bars that caged the girl into her cell kept her from the full breeze of this comfort. It left her with a feeling of emptiness.
And-

…..He reached for the pillar above his head, swinging himself from the ground to the roof. He struggled as he reached for the patches of hay and slowly pulled himself to the top making sure his feet were locked onto the beams. A knock came from below him.” Please don’t answer he whimpered.”

Answer 1

Whoa, yes! My heart was beating fast and the tension was high when reading it. Is it a war? Why a girl would be caged in a place with leaves? Leaved me shivering. The last one, I don't really get it. The guy swung to the roof, I got it. But why suddenly one more from the ground/hay? A knock? From below? "Please don't answer" sure gives me the shivers though.

When you choose the Best Answer, give me the explaination please. Oh, do that in the "Add Details" section. It'll be a lot more space. I'm like so please please please, I reallllly wanna know your concept of this book, the theme and what these scenes are about!

First impression to me is a thriller and horror or war book. Grammar improvements still needed. Ah, judging from the way I answered it, you got me hooked, alright.

Answer 2

There are a few tiny places that don't quite make sense. If you said the sun had the "tint" of blood instead of a "hint" of blood, for instance, that would help.

I would encourage you to write from your heart, instead of writing what you think sounds good. I get the sense that you have real poetry in you, but that you are trying too hard. If you just relaxed and worried less about making things dramatic, I think it would be much better. Your ideas are great.

I'm in the publishing world, so I know of what I speak!

Answer 3

Correct spelling and grammar ("there" should be "their" in several cases, last sentence should be "Please don't answer," he whimpered. Who is "they"? Tell. Use short words: let long words earn their keep. Prune words carefully: use few, be terse and mysterious. Avoid the passive voice: use "Freedom and beauty filled their doleful dance" instead of "Their doleful dance was filled with freedom and beauty." Start sentences with verbs or nouns when possible: GRAB the reader's attention ("viciously," with the exciting part of the paragraph first, then details) so the reader knows it is worth the reader's (precious) time to keep reading!

Answer 4

Sorry, but the fragments isn't enough to evaluate the whole history. The first paragraph I thought very good, the second the quality reduced, but it's very interesting, but there's no connection with the thrid, wich I didn't like the structure and the text doesn't have a link with the prior sentences. Sorry, but if you give us the whole text probably you'll have more consistant answers.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to say but it sounds like it could be really good but to me it was kinda hard to understand. i read it more then once and was still just not really getting it. and the most important part of a book is the first chapter and if that was the first page i read i would stop and put it back. it sounds like you have great talent but i think this just may need some more work.

Answer 6

the first paragraph was a lil too repetitive or something...i got bored

the other two i would continue reading.

although the second one sounds like i might stop reading it cuz the flowery description just annoys me instead of makes me feel like i am there . but the girl piqued my curisoity so i'd keep reading until i find out why she's in a cell. hopefully by then the story gets better.

Answer 7

the language phraseology is dated,painting pictures with words is a great idea in a poem, in a book we have to hold the readers attention, the last para example did this, the first and second examples did not. you need to get to the point quickly or you will lose the interest of the reader, good luck LF

Answer 8

Possibly

I like the sun rose............give an immediate suggestion that something is very wrong.

Mournful dances really I can not picture this trees and cages in the same passage......... confusing

Last is good gives inpression of someone who is afraid

Answer 9

I find them TOO flowery. The author is obsessed with the language and the theme/story is getting lost. I wouldn't read this 'book' past the first few paragraphs.

Answer 10

I think it''s pretty good, I like some of the simile's. It kinda does drag on, and I prob. wudnt read the rest of the novel, no offense. It's just the genre.