aggression just because he doesn't "like" something I say ..?

Question

what to do with a man who always makes you believe in something but in the end always has excuses not to do what he promised. When you start arguing about it or you just point him towards his promise - he gets completely agressive, starts shouting at me, hitting me in the face ... in earlier days he thought nothing was wrong, now afterwards he feels bad, he cries and asks for forgivenness... there is a change but I don't understand it anymore and after several discussions, deep conversations, promises again, he continues his behaviour and I don't know what to do anymore ... I'm an optimist, I always put it out of my mind and go on ... but it starts to weigh very heavy on me, my job, my spirit ... in an hour he will call me .. to ask me what I think .. to be honest I don't know what to say anymore ..

Answer 1

First thing you have to remember is that you can't change him dear. Domestic violence (because this is it) is not uncommon and the aggressor does not mean to hurt the one he abuses but does so because either he has a psychological disorder or he has had traumas during his life (he saw one of his parents be abused or was abused himself) These disorders unfortunately can only be treated by a specialist. The thing you have to remember is that there is no shame in what is happening to you and that it is NOT your fault, no matter what he says. The fact that now he apologizes unlike before is nothing special I'm sorry to say, he is following the abuser's pattern to the letter. Forgiving him will only cause you more pain and the abuses in time will escalate. You have to seek help and leave this man. I'm sorry I am so harsh and I know this is easier said than done but it is for your own well being. The abuser has to feel he is stronger and to dominate his victim, he needs to feel that he is constantly in charge and that he is the only one that has the right to make decisions and the one entitled to punish others. He cries after wards because, maybe unconsciously, he knows that he needs a change of attitude and he needs to make it seem like things are going to get better or the other person will leave. Moreover, after one of these scenes his anger is released and afterwards he is calm and can see that it was wrong but as soon as he gets angry again..he'll do the same unfortunately. The abuser also tries to isolate his victim from others in a way that the one he abuses can't tell he is being isolated from his/hers friends and family. The abusers do this because the don't want the victim to be able to seek help and if they isolate the one they abuse the manipulation is much easier. Seek help, please! Many women get hurt, crippled or even killed every year because they refuse to leave their abuser for the sake of the children, the fact that they love him, etc. Specialists say that a woman is abused physically about 35 to 60 times before she calls the police for the first time.
If you want to talk about this further contact me!
I wish you the best of luck, and please seek help!

Answer 2

Hm. I observed couples like you. Both partners can improve. I don't want to hear you saying, "But it's his fault!" because what's wrong if you can improve and make the marriage better even if it's just a little bit? Is it worth the power struggle at the cost of your marriage, your dear husband? Ok. 1) Whenever you try to control him, he will get angry because he wants to be in control of you. Both of you view this struggle as power struggle, and that is why it's not working. It's love, not power. 2) Do not argue with him, because that is like putting oil over fire. He will not step aside and let you pass. Both of you will only be trying to out do each other. 3) He cannot make those promises because there is no love (not much) in the relationship, and also because you cannot control him (he wants his leadership very badly). 4) If you are optimistic, there is still hope. Slowly, ask him to go counseling with you. 5) At counseling, he needs to seek anger management, and even better, after a year, he should go to some yoga classes, and relieve his mind of all the tension (healthy mind and body). After 3 years, your marriage will become good (or very good even).
Tips at counseling:
-When the doctor talks to you in private, tell him the problems.
-If the doctor let's both of you speak, let him speak when he is speaking even if you hear things that you don't like.
-Always ask the doctor, "How can this marriage be improved?" when talking to him in private.
-You need help because you want to improve marriage. He needs help because he has is abusive and needs anger management.

Answer 3

Yea..thats totally up to you. Everyone would have a different reaction..it's good you have patience..I wouldn't..I guess i could see forgiving him the first time..but sorry should mean sorry i did that and I'll never do it again. MAKE him get help for his aggression problem before you say thats alright baby. My brother is sitting in a georgia jail right now because he couldn't hold his temper and keep his hands off his wife and kids...Now he's sitting in jail wanting help for it. I hope you don't let him do it to you again..theres nothing wrong with space until he shows he wants to change..otherwise it could end up nasty. Good luck girl!

Answer 4

My dear....there is not a reason in this world to be in an abussive relationship, he obviously needs profesional help..till he doesnt get it he will not change.Think about that...do you want to be another number in domestic violence case?If you two are not able to have a deep and clear conversation about this because always end in a bad situation...is time to move on..Dont be afraid to leave him, every person needs to find happiness and peace in life.Tell him you are going to end the relationship because is affecting you emotionaly and nobody needs to be like that, tell him to go to a profesional to get help with his character and attitude...and MOVE ON!!!....before something bad happends to you

Answer 5

I don't think a man ever has an excuse to hit a woman, especially his wife. You need to get out of this relationship before something terrible happens. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

He needs anger management and you need to tell him that until he controls himself you don't want to be with him... Your face is not a punching bag! Not to mention your mental well-being.. I'm sorry you are going through this... If he loves you he will go to counseling and figure out why he acts like this but I doubt he will change...

Answer 7

It sounds like he is struggling with deep anger issues. He needs to seek professional help or else it's never going to get better. Trust me on this one.

Answer 8

If you have a brother or a cousin you should tell him so he can beat the living shite out of him for you. Let him know what it feels like to be intimidated and terrorized.