are women less likely than men..?

Question

to let their partner, or spouse know when something he is doing bothers or angers them? This not intended as criticism, but it seems that women are less likely to come right out with it, and let stuff just pile up until they reach the boilover point. And even if they do give some indication that this or that bothers them, they often don't REALLY let the man know how serious - at least cummulatively (what as she sees as) these transgressions, affronts and infractions ARE in her mind, until the relationship is no longer, in her mind, salvagable. This happened to me. I can't deny that a lot of the stuff I was doing and had done was buttheaded, and in a lot of ways I was guilty as charged, and perhaps I was a stupid clod for doing them, but I am reasonably perceptive, and she gave me very little indication, verbally or through action, that these things were more than annoyances until it was too late. It was like flipping a switch.

comments?

this is a tough one to pick. I lean toward celery tree's answer so far (all points taken, and you are right, but maybe they don't cover the whole story), but I think both buddy and oscar and fishman raise some legitimate points as well.

I wasn't joking around on this one. For what it's worth, she was everything I ever wanted, I thought it was a miracle that I found her. The loss of her, and daily contact with my daughter and her kids is and will always be the greatest tragedy of my life, and I not only have to live with losing her and the kids, but the much harder to handle realization that I didn't so much lose it all as throw it away. Everything I did seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, but didn't stand up to well to disspassionate, rational retrospective examination in my mind's eye.

Having copped to all that, I do think it's a shame that for all our intitial obsession with each other and apparent and almost eerie similarities......

...finishing the same bozo's sentence on the TV with the same wise-*** remark, the hysterically good times we had together, and the allmost painful fondness we felt for each other didn't end up being enough to secure even some tiny corner of the unverse where there was enough mental overlap to make it all last.

There is nothing about what she did that I can logically find fault with. But My only real criticism, if you can call it that, is maybe she just didn't face that it CAN'T always be about logic, and scoring, internalizing resentment even if it logically justifiable. Refernecing Oscar and Buddy's remarks: It wasn't like she never did anything to cheese me off. She'd have her irrational fits, time of the month and what not, and when she'd come to me all hangdog and apologize, I'd say "forget it. I already have." And I meant it. But much later, found out that my own indiscretions (that I blamed on overwork, stress, whatever) had not only been internalized but allowed to fester

and even mutate into ever more powerful impediments to the long term health of the relationship. When I said these things, after the fact, she of course, with some justification, said in as many words, that mine were worse than hers. I agreed, I guess. But at least that was debatable. What I'm not sure is debatable is if any relationship is workable in the long term if either person concerns themselves with that sort of a point system.

Men screw up more than women, I think. But they are also more forgiving, and able to consider the big picture without reserving a corner of it for a chalkboard to keep score on.

I thought all through it that the whole of it was so close to perfect that the (I thought) assorted aggravations, annoyances and the assorted less than charming and quotidian hair-in-sink realities of our day to day life were less than trivial. To not realize that she didn't feel the same way was genuinely stupid on my part. But I can't say I believe I was dead wrong.

Answer 1

Women are often quite understanding, mature, reasonable, and objective. As a result, they may not want to bring up each and every small thing. They respect differences in how people think or do things. They don't want to seem small-minded by bringing up the small stuff. They may feel that all spouses have to overlook some minor things, and they may secretly hope the spouse will stop doing any major things. So, for any number of "intellectual reasons" they refrain from saying anything. Then, however, there is their own emotional reaction to the things that go on; and they even try to overcome that in their wish to be fair-minded and reasonable and understanding and not to act as if they think people must be perfect at all times.

I can't speak for all women on this one thing, but I know that if someone is doing something that bothers me it is kind of important to me that he figures it out himself and stops; because if he is incapable of realizing what he's doing that tells me he lacks the "intelligence" to figure it out. So while I may be understanding when it comes to the actual thing he did, he gets "points off" in my book for showing his lack of intelligence when it comes to realizing that he did something and stopping doing it!

I can overlook small things someone does, but if its a big thing and he doesn't figure out on his own that it is a problem; I cannot overlook the message his obliviosness sends about his intelligence and sensitivity and caring. And when someone loses "points" to the point where they've just added up to point out how pointless the relationship is (and how wrong the two people are together) there's then no point in doing anything but leaving.

I guess it can be compared to a crime. If someone is insane and doesn't know what he's doing and commits a crime the crime is not viewed the same as if it were committed by a sane person.
For me, it almost isn't the "crime" because I'm fair and reasonable and understand that mistakes get made. For me, I could probably forgive the "crime" if the person knew it was a crime and was sane and sorry. What bothers women like me is more the situation that a "crime" is committed, but the person is insane. If I figure out someone is "insane" I may forgive the "crime", but I don't want to be in a relationship with the "insane" person.

My girlfriend once described her husband's many and non-stop infractions as "little invisible coins" that she put in an "invisible change purse". She said after a while the "change purse" would get so full she would feel as if her marriage was pretty close to over. Those invisible coins did not represent the small things he did. They represented his inability to have a clue or else to care about his underlying attitude when doing those things.

Did you ever have a teacher in school who appeared to be letting you get away with not doing homework? Maybe nobody called your parents. Maybe she didn't ask for the homework. Maybe you thought she didn't notice. Then at report card time you may have been shocked to see that she had said nothing and just given you points off for all those missing homework assignments.

This kind of teacher believes in treating students as adults. She won't nag or ask or call parents or beg or offer rewards. She figures, "I'm not his parent. Its up to him to do his homework. If he doesn't he flunks." She's not interested in whether the dog ate the homework or whether you had the flu or your grandfather died. All she cares about is seeing the completed homework and giving you a check for it when she does.

Wives sometimes do that kind of thing. They may even mentally put someone on probation to see whether he shapes up or not on his own. They don't want to be his mother or a nag. They want him to figure it out on his own because only if he does that will he prove he's not an idiot. They sometimes want, too, for it to just occur to guy that maybe he needs to make some effort to treat her with respect and generally try not to do stuff that is upsetting or stupid. They want it to occur to guys that maybe the idea isn't for a guy to see how much he can get away with before he gets "yelled at" like a child but instead for a guy to act like a grown-up who is in a relationship he values.

Maybe "mental probation" isn't fair to a guy who doesn't know he's on it; but that guy probably already sealed his fate at the time she was pushed to put him on "mental probation". When a person is placed on "mental probation" it means the woman is holding off to see if anything changes before following through on the decision she's already made to leave.

Many women don't want to threaten to leave because they don't want to just threaten and not be taken seriously. They also don't want to threaten in case they change their mind, which they're hoping they will. They don't want to try to change someone usually either. They know that's wrong. They decide to give someone the benefit of the doubt and a chance to change on their own - but we all know what happens anyway.

Hope some of this helps.

Answer 2

I'll proabably get slammed for this one, but oh well, here goes. I don't think it's so much that men are willing to say what's bothering them more than women, we just don't let the little things bother us as much. Unles it's something that truly aggrivates us, we shrug the little annoyances off and block them out. Women seem to have a hard time doing that. They focus on the little things, and many times turn them into major issues. Although each individual is different, I believe this is true for the majority. There's an old expression that says 'A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change. A woman marries a man hoping she can change him'. There's more truth in that than some people want to admit.

Answer 3

"Buddy & Oscars" is correct. Women often see the faults in men and decide in their minds that they are going to change him once they're married. Then when he doesn't change, she gets mad at him, instead of herself, for being so foolish. There is only one person any of us can really change...ourselves. Keep this in mind BEFORE you get married...because your fiancee will be the same person after the marriage cerimoney.

With this in mind, understand that many women don't understand that communication with a man is different than with another woman...men require more direct communication. So, when all these little things that she'd like to see changed don't get changed with her little "hints" (that most men don't pick up on), she gets mad. What she needs to learn to do is how to communicate with men. If a girl grows up in a household with a pair of loving parents (male and female), she will see what this communication looks like first hand...and through her relationship with her father, learn how to do it herself. If the father is absent, she never learns this when young, and must do so as an adult. This is much more difficult and, obviously, is something not recognized as a requirement by many women.

Answer 4

With a 50% divorce rate in the west it seems that commitment now days is just a stupid term, especially when women filling the divorce 70% of the time and the man 95% of the time looses half his assets, looses custody of his children, pays alimony, and child support. I guess there is no real incentive for a man to get married if he has a 50/50 chance of loosing everything he has worked for. If a man cheats on his wife, he is f*cked in court, and if his wife cheats on him, he's still f*cked in court.

Answer 5

Well...I suppose so. Certain little things do annoy you and u do let ur parter know that ur angry in ur own way but if the man doesn't pick up on the fact he's getting the cold shoulder and does something else......BANG! The crazy ********* inside us just comes out.

Sorry, just 1 of those things

Answer 6

Amen to that. It happens more in the office than in relationships.

http://www.lettersofrejection.com

Answer 7

mmmm, i think women are more likely to do that than men. mainly because most women talk and share their feelings more readily than men do.

Answer 8

of-course