My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year and a1/2 and we have been living together for 7 months, everything is really good and most of the time we get a long great and even frequently talk about getting married.He totally caters to me most of the time but sometimes when he gets mad it feels like a switch just turns off and hes a totally different person. He gets really mad, and he seriously acts really immuture, and he starts blaming me for things, name calling, yelling and screaming, and at the extreme throwing things. I think he needs anger management, however we dont have the funding for it. Im pretty sure there is free counciling and help lines, but i cant seem to find any ligit ones, so if anyone has any good ones please let me know. I know everyones first response to this would be to leave him, but i dont want to leave him, I want to work through it and see if he can be helped first, I dont want to just run away, hes worth trying for. Any advice?? Id appreciate it.
2006-12-06 19:29:49 · 18 answers · asked by oOoCIRYSTAILoOo 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
leave
I know "he's worth blah, blah, blah,"
but when you are back on here in another couple years with a black eye and a baby on your hip ...
they don't change
not even when you are sure that you love them and they love you enough
2006-12-06 19:31:37 · answer #1 · answered by Banting B 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Okay first of all what you are experiencing is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. This man is an abuser .. pick up any book on the subject and you'll think you're reading about him.
Why do you not want to leave him? Is it that he's worth trying for, or that you don't see YOURSELF as worth trying for.
If you really want to help him, frankly there is NO WAY to help him except by leaving him. What you are doing right now is ENABLING him. It's as bad as giving money to a junkie and then feeling bad that they're shooting up. He is the only one who can help himself and as long as you stay around, he will never have the motivation to change or heal himself. You are hurting not just yourself, but also him, by hanging on.
Verbal abuse is no joke. Just because there are no physical bruises does not mean you are not being harmed. It causes deep damage to its victims. And verbal abuse in most cases does escalate to physical violence.
Patricia Evans has written several excellent books on verbal abuse, and also has a good website www.verbalabuse.org
I would also recommend you get some counseling for yourself, as you've been emotionally beaten down and it would help to boost your self esteem and to stop sabotaging your life.
A lot of the answers to his abusive personality (charming adoring one moment and enraged monster the next is pretty standard for a verbal abuser, by the way) and also to your willingness to accept his mistreatment of you, would lie in your childhoods so you might also want to check out some literature or websites for adult survivors of abuse, adult children of alcoholics & dysfunctional families, healing childhood wounds, etc.
2006-12-07 04:33:16 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like red flags for a controlling relationship.
I heard an interview that says it begins slowly.
Now matter how well he treats you most of the time, that some of the time could get worse and worse and it ain't worth it.
Get out while you can.
Do some research on women and abusive relationships.
I was wondering if my boyfriend was good or not because he tried to tell me what I could wear and would ask me questions and ignore me when I answered and was really jealous.
I looked up stuff and it was scary.
2006-12-06 19:38:48 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
From my experience, my boyfriend started blaming me and picking fights when he was trying to get me to leave because he found an interest in another woman. I knew I had done nothing wrong and that his anger was him "acting out." Have you tried talking to him to find out why he is so angry?
There may also be the stress of living together that may be causing issues. Again, my boyfriend got stressed out because he became responsible for me and my daughter when he moved in...his responsibility and obligation to the household was to pay the utilities. The stress of being responsible for someone other than himself freaked him out big time.
Communication can help you discover a lot. try talking to him about the relationship, the living arrangements, your expectations for each other and you may find the key to the issues behind the anger.
If all else fails... try therapy, then pack his bags.
Good Luck
2006-12-06 19:41:41 · answer #4 · answered by Jay 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He sounds a bit abusive and controlling. You could take him to the battered womens shelter so he could see first hand what his behavior may lead to and how it affects others. That is emotional abuse. Also, you are the one interested in seeking counseling for him. He should be on here writing to seek counseling for himself. That is what is so disturbing to me. You are enabling him. You are allowing him to abuse you by screaming, yelling, and throwing things (which you are right, that is angry, and immature behavior) and then turning around and forgiving him and he is continouing that pattern of behavior. It would only take one time for someone to yell at me and throw stuff and then i would say get yourself together and if not then you should leave. so he can be on here asking answerers how and where he can find help. I dont know if you understand how serious his behavior is and how it lead into physically abusing you. Peace
2006-12-06 19:36:23 · answer #5 · answered by PhatBeatz 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is not going to change and you DO need to leave him. However, if you choose to live this way, then please don't bring any innocent children into the mix. They will end up with a lot of problems. Also, if he is throwing things, one time he might throw something AT you and injure you. When he gets tired of throwing things, he will probably begin to hit you. You both need serious counselling. Good luck.
2006-12-07 00:33:06 · answer #6 · answered by Ms. G. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to look after yourself first. If you ever feel that you are in any danger from him then you should leave. You don't have to stop seeing each other, but you need to have somewhere else to live while he sorts out his problems. If you really care for each other you may be able to work it out, but don't stay with him if you are at any risk.
2006-12-06 20:27:29 · answer #7 · answered by Skidoo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LEAVE never let you hit by a man!
It seems your involved with a split personality man ,it will only get worser in time when you get married.
You ever think if you would have children with this one, what a father he will be example for his future children?
Think first on that and wish you all the best.
2006-12-06 19:48:16 · answer #8 · answered by Chantal D. 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since he knows that you would not leave him by any chance, he is not trying to handle the situation in a matured manner. You should not give up your self esteem and make him also aware about it. Try giving him a slight hint that such situation might leed their relationship to an end, and then see what happens. If he is really sick, you need a good psychiatrist to work on him. Good Luck.
2006-12-06 19:42:34 · answer #9 · answered by gireesh 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you can tolerate the situation, just hang on in there and work it out. Talk to him about his emotion and see what the problem is and ask him would he consider some help to work things out. tell him to consider talking to his doctor for a referral for help with his anger.
2006-12-06 19:34:33 · answer #10 · answered by JoJoBa 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Anger management may be the answer if he doesn't suffer from depression.
If he has outbursts so suddenly, then he may suffer from depression or maybe Bi-polar.
Search Google for bi-polar symptoms.
If it is not any of those, then I don't know how to help you. Maybe counseling.
2006-12-06 19:37:49 · answer #11 · answered by Nikki 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋