A very big dilema.....what should I do?

Question

I am recently married and have been with this woman for awhile now, but I have developed this relationship (non-sexual) with another woman who is also married. We have not cheated and do not want too but we have fallen in love. We know this is wrong and understand if we continue that we will destroy our marriages and ruin friendships etc, but we can't help the way we feel. I don't know what to do here as I can't stop thinking about it, and I guess I am asking for some of your thoughtts but please do not judge. My heart says one thing but my mind says another. I am really in a mess here!! Plz help.

Answer 1

First of all, realize that love is a "feeling", and as far as "feelings" go, they are quite volatile. One moment you can be laughed out loud, and the other moment you can be crying as hard as you could. Love is no exception. As a weak human being, usually we can't control our feelings. Thas why when two person are in love with one another, and want their relationship to be made permanent as a husband and wife, they need the help of an institution called "marriage".

You may ask, why not just live together as husband and wife do? Why bother with marriage at all?
The answer is: because "feelings" like love are not permanent. They are bound to come and go at times. The life of a husband and wife would be in constant jeopardy if the only thing to bond them together is love. Thats why they need marriage.

Marriage is an oath (of which I believe you know the content very well when you said it in the church). Not just an ordinary oath, but an oath made in front of many people (family, neighbour, church member) and especially in front of God, so that it had stronger bond upon a couple than that of a "feeling".

Now, when I say that we can't control our feelings, it is true. But even if we can't control our feelings, we can still control our actions. If your heart says one thing but your mind says another, you can always choose to heed that of your mind.

The fact that you can still think clearly of the consequences of your actions, let me guide you to think more about it, by answering some question of mine:
- Knowing that love as a "feeling" can easily come and go, how do you know that the present feeling of love that you had for this other woman is permanent or only temporary?
- Will you be sure that if you divorce your current wife and marry this another woman, you will not, in the future, fall in love with another woman and find yourself in the same position?
- Will you be sure that this another woman, after you marry her, will not experience the same thing as you do now? What if she found herself in love with another man and want to divorce you? What will your feelings be at that time?

Now you should think about answering my question (in your own thought, not in this forum) before you make any decision.
Good luck, and may your mind always be clear even when your heart is shrouded.

Answer 2

I went through the same thing. The advise given to me cost a bundle but I will send it along. You are recently married. After all the excitement of the wedding and honeymoon there is usually a let down feeling. People quit congratulating you, you fall into everyday hum drum.Much like a woman goes through after the birth of a baby (post partum blues) Try to concentrate on your wife more, try to re capture your love by dating her again and doing little things(body massages, bathe her with attention) and see if a new spark can develop. In the meantime cut off ALL association with your friend. The grass is always greener on the other side...but you have to mow it. Good Luck It is hard! You didn't mention if you love your wife.Do you? or Did you ever? did you marry her because it was a comfortable thing to do or because you didn't know how to break up? Are you just going through a bored phase with her?Be very careful and sure of your final decision. It might last a lifetime.

Answer 3

I suggest you tell your spouse and end your marriage. It's sad, but sometimes, we hurt the people we least want to hurt. But if I were your wife, I would much rather hear it straight from you than find out later that you are staying with me physically but somebody else owns your heart. You have to start any relationship with a clean slate so you won't feel guilty consumating your love for the other woman in your life.

Question is, would the other girl be willing to destroy her marriage for you too? If she's not, would you be ready to end up alone?

At any rate, if there is no love left in your marriage, whether or not there is a third party, better end the relationship right away and at least save the friendship than forever stay in a lonely, loveless and passionless marriage.

Answer 4

Although it may seem wrong to many people, if your heart is telling you that you are in love with this other woman, there is no changing that. One thing you didn't mention though....do you still love your wife? If you don't, then I would think that you would have to be honest with your wife and move on with your new love. There is just no reason to stay in a loveless marriage when it will eventually only hurt you both even more. Good luck!

Answer 5

well i know how u feel. I m not going to judge u for what ur doing. It seems to me ur not getting what u want from home either it's attention or what. the same goes for the other person. alot of the time u don't just go out and do it. it's something that just happens. shes giving u want u need and ur giving her want she needs. even its just the feel that someone loves or care about. Have u talked to ur wife about things that might be bothering u. sometimes the other half don't realize that there doing something wrong. If ur marriage haven't been the same for sometimes and no effort was made to work things out. and then maybe u want to try the next level with her. since shes in the same boat as u she seems like she understands. but u have to make ur own call. I'm having the same problem. there is somebody else kinda if that's what u want to call it. but i have already told him up front about the problem i was having. and the other person is there when i need him to be and it goes with him to. and ours is sexual. and were married!!!

Answer 6

I think you need to decide where the right place for you to be is. You sound young still. If you can be so easily swayed from you vows early in the marriage, there aren't children to think of, I think you should consider, that maybe you weren't ready to make the commitment you did. Look deep into yourself. Make a decision, don't sit on the fence. The longer you do the more chance that people will get hurt even more then they already will.

Answer 7

I am not judging. But this woman has made a lifetime committment to a man and it isn't you. You have made a lifetime committment to a woman..but it isn't her. You should do one of two things immediately. Either you divorce your wife NOW and ask this other woman to divorce her husband NOW...or you should never see each other again. This is not a fair situation...but two innocent people are about to be hurt...your wife and the other husband. Follow your mind. I know you have found something you needed in this other woman...but this relationship, even though it is non-sexual, should not be going on.

Answer 8

Depends on what kind of relationship you have with your wife, if you're both open to other possibilities like you're both open minded about things...?Some relationships are more open to the One Love concept.But not everyone has reached that level of enlightenment or understanding.i wish i did still working on that one.There will be a moment when you can stop and think whether it's worth the possibility of hurting your wife or hoping she will understand you and find justifications for your actions.I think it's really more fun just being friends, there are other ways to express intimacy or closeness or "love" and maybe even more fulfilling and you get to stay faithful with your wife.

Answer 9

I don't believe that you can really 'love' two people in the same way responsibly. You have to choose. The kicker is that there is no way to know which way to go, either way could end in disaster. My most practical advice would be to figure out why you strayed to begin with. Chances are that you would cheat again. (Emotionally if not physically.) Good luck, you will need it!

Answer 10

I believe there is never a reason to cheat. It is my belief that if you are in love with someone you don't hurt them. If you believe you are in love with this other woman than you obviously aren't in love with your wife. You can love more than one person, but you can only be "IN LOVE" with one. Think about what is it that you feel you are in love with in the other woman then consider what made you marry your wife and what would you be giving up. I always say never leave a definite for a maybe. I see guys all the time who may be able to offer me more than my man, but I say to myself I don't know what these other guys are about, but I know what I have in him. I tell my kids you always know the right thing to do, because your heart tells you. The heart tells you the right thing first and its your mind that's usually telling you what you want to do, but not whats right. All in all no one can really tell you what to do in your life since it is you who ultimately know the whole story and have walked your walk. You have to figure this out on your own with much prayer. God knows all and it is he who you have to answer to. Good luck.