My wife and I have been married for 33 years. She has lost all interest in sex and won't even talk about it.

Question

I have tried to discuss it with her but she won't even talk. I ask her why and she just says she doesn;t want to. I've tried everything I know. If she won't talk and for sure won't have sex( been over a year) I am at my wits end. I need some good advice

Answer 1

wow well time to see the doctor if ya ask me

Answer 2

The only way you are going to fix this, is to stop pestering her about sex for a while. You have to take an indirect approach!

Your wife is getting old. You know how she feels - you feel 18 inside, don't you, and then you look in the mirror and think, "who's that wrinkly old guy?" She feels exactly the same, only worse, because she's a woman and women are judged by their looks. Perhaps she doesn't want you to see or touch her body, because her skin doesn't feel peachy-soft any more or her butt is sagging. She can't understand why you would be attracted to it.

To get over that, you need to rebuild her self-esteem. Don't tell her lies - she's not going to believe you if you say her boobs are still gorgeous. But you could say things like, "your eyes are just the same blue as ever", or compare her to other women of her age and tell her she is looking great. Compliment her on her dress, her hairdo or her shoes. Most of all, tell her you love her, give her hugs and kisses without expecting it to go further. Buy her flowers or take her out to dinner now and then. Cuddle her in bed (just a cuddle, nothing more) and say how good it feels to be together. Tell her that inside, she is still the same gorgeous girl you married.

It is said that for men, sex leads to love and intimacy. For women, it's the opposite - love and intimacy lead to sex. But beware, if she feels you are just faking the love in order to get the sex, she will switch off straight away. So don't overdo it - be genuine, take it slow, and be prepared to be patient for another month or two.

The other possibility is that she's finding sex painful. Older women often lack lubrication. IF you can get that far, make sure you don't penetrate her until you're sure she is wet enough. It would be a good idea to have some lube handy, just in case.

The silly thing is, some women don't want to admit that it's painful - they start to worry there must be something wrong "down there" and they'd rather just try to pretend it isn't happening. So that might be what's worrying your wife.

The final possibility is that (sorry to say) you're a lousy lover. Women of your wife's generation were generally not that demanding in the bedroom, and were quite happy to oblige their husbands without necessarily enjoying it much themselves. They were brought up not to talk about such things, so they certainly weren't going to tell their husbands what they wanted!

So there's a whole generation of men out there, who think they're OK in bed but are in fact hopeless when it comes to pleasing a woman. Do some research on what women want, and ask yourself whether you have been doing the right thing. Your wife may have spent 33 years doing it just to please you, and has finally decided she can't be bothered any more.

If everything else fails, you may need to use shock tactics. Find a local sex therapist and go to see them by yourself first, to get some idea of what's involved. Then go to your wife and say you'd like her to come to the therapist with you, or that she could go alone if she prefers. If she refuses, point out that this is a vital part of your life and that if she goes on like this, it could destroy your marriage. That may make her sit up and take notice - if it doesn't, then you have more problems than just sex!

Answer 3

My friend I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for almost 37 years and my wife started the same thing about 25 years ago. I stayed for the children and then for the grandchildren. I now find myself too old for any other woman to want. This situation has also caused me to have heart problems with a heart attack a while back. My advice is that if your health is good then try one more time to talk to her but if she rebuffs you then get out for your own good. Do not do what I did and stay until it is too late.

Answer 4

Not to pry but is it possible there is someone else? Try thearpy. Give her massages. Help around the house more. Do something to bring back the spark. Go back to that first time with her and rekindle the romance. Draw her a bath with rose petals, do breakfast in bed. Don't every give up, don't ever stop trying. Optimism. Something has kept you all together for all these years so find a way, a passion to keep it alive...

Answer 5

You've been married for 33 years and you aren't able to resolve or discuss in depth an important issue like sex? Seems like you two lack intimacy and respect for each other. If your wife can't see the importance of resolving this issue then it would seems she has little respect for you as a man. That's your real problem.

Answer 6

Perhaps you should ask her if it would be ok for you to have sex with another woman.

If she is not interested in having sex anymore, then I see no reason why she would have something against you having sex with another woman on a casual basis without any permanent relationship.

If she is a reasonable person, then the two of can work something out that will be satisfactory for both of you.

Many older seniors from Europe and North America regularly go on vacations to reasonably priced destinations such as Pattaya, Thailand. And to a place such as this, many reasonably good-looking Thai women come looking for casual sex with the seniors in exchange for a resonable payment of about $30 a day.

In Thailand, having casual sex in exchange for payment is a part of their culture. Most married Thai men have casual sex on the side with willing women in exchange for agreed upon payments. And surprise, surprise, many of these willing women are married and have families of their own. Having casual sex on the side is their way of supplementing their family income.

They have no double standard, when it comes to having casual sex on the side. If it's ok for the husband to sleep with other women, then it's also ok for the wife to sleep with other men.

People in the West often pride themselves on being sexually liberated. But couples having open marriages where the husband and wife are free to have casual sex on the side are few and far between in the West. In Thailand, such marriages are not that uncommon.

Of course, your wife may decide that she wants to have sex with you after all, when she realizes that you are not her slave. And if she doesn't want to satisfy you sexual needs, then there are plenty of other women who are willing to do exactly that.

Answer 7

Time for marriage counseling. Sex is a part of a healthy relationship. Give her support. 33 years isn't worth flushing down the toilet over a little time without sex.

Answer 8

Well, sometimes you just have to get your needs met some other way. Even if you love her. There are plenty of online dating sites for folks that want to go outside the marriage. Just be careful and use protection. There are all sorts of nasty diseases out there and you can't tell from looking at someone if they have one of them. Good luck. Email me if you want to discuss this further.

Answer 9

I feel for you. My husband is doing the exact same thing. I will be watching for answers and hopefully I can get answers too. Since you have been married as long as you have, I would hope you would have better communication. Be ready to be a great listener and hopefully she will come around and want to talk about it.

Answer 10

33 years "WOW" thats great but unfortunatly things are not good you need to get counseling before its to late and you wind up alone and starting over this late in life , when you just need to get a tuneup on your marriage. good luck i wish you the best in your efforts. its wonderful to hear of a couple that has endured the things in life to stay the course , you sure dont wanna give up now,good luck

Answer 11

You can talk and reason until you are blue, but you aren't going to get any. It's time to get some sex on the side, just keep it discreet and don't hurt your wife's feeling. Life is short, make yourself happy, keep your wife happy, and enjoy those pleasures that life has bestowed on us.