How do I know if my husband is a closet homosexual?

Question

I have pieced together a few VERY SUBTLE clues that my husband of 4 years, (we've been together almost 7), may be bi or a closet homosexual, or have some same sex fantasies. The thing is, I truly don't believe he is cheating on me, and there is no way I could confront him about my suspicions because he would FREAK OUT. If he does have same sex attractions he is VERY closed about it, and may even be in denial himself. I am looking for any advice, and/or an online forum or support group of women in similar situations. My husband does not display any signs of being effeminate...in fact he is the complete opposite. What are signs that a man may be gay when he would be a very "non-traditional" gay? What are subtle, less obvious clues that I should pay attention to? He seems sexually pleased with me so I'm very confused...

I know that maybe I should just dismiss this and not turn it into a problem...I just don't want to have children with someone who is going to reveal to me in 10 years that he's gay and there's nothing he can do about it and he's leaving me! I've heard of cases like that...albeit rare, that's my worst nightmare, and I'd hate that to happen to me knowing I was given clues. On the other hand I could be obsessing over nothing, and it may not be an issue at all...

Answer 1

There was a very old study that ranked people on the scale of 1 to 6 where 1 is complete and total homosexual who is only attracted to the same gender, 2 is homosexual still interested in other gender to some degree, and so on, 5 being straight but with fantasies about the same sex, and 6 being straight without any hint of interest in the same sex whatsoever. That study found that most people are "5", and most people who are considered homosexual are actually "2". Maybe he's a "5" on that scale? We don't even know if that study is a realible source, though.

The main question is, if he has fantasies, does it bother you? If it does, then you'll have to somehow ask him and find out. I don't think there is any other reliable way. I don't think you can do some sort of survey suggested by a magazine on someone you love, and actually come to some meaningful conclusions.
*****
Well, I hate to tell you that 50% of marriages end in divorce. I wish you to be on the "better" side of the statistics. But if they leave, they leave. Does it really matter why? In case of homosexuality, you feel powerless to stop him that's why it may be scary. But there are SO many cases in life when the man leaves and there is nothing she can do, even though she thinks she can. There are other things that are beyond your control. I think you should seek councelling and discuss it with a councellor, exactly what hints does he give, are you seeing things or is it for real.

Answer 2

Well I think if your husband was a homosexual you would deftly notice it. However a bisexual would be incredibly difficult to spot. Especially if he is doing everything to hide it.

Since you cannot confront him directly you have to think of more subtle ways of finding out.

Before you start you have to ask yourself do you really wanna find out? What if he is bi?

Since he's not showing any signs of effeminate (womanly behavior) is a showing other signs such as an unusual drop in sexual desire towards you, has his interest changed in other areas? Does he have interest in watching that Broke Back Mountain DVD?

To be subtle try to find some DVDs that are either male male oriented and see if he thinks they were great or even hold his interest….then that would be interesting.

Wine works well…. When tipsy ask have you every wondered about …..??? He may be very forthcoming

Mark
Author GirlsTellAll

Answer 3

If you're having suspicions that something is going on, then chances are your instincts are correct. BUT it may not be nearly as bad as you think.

For instance, I saw an interview on TV recently with a cross-dresser. His wife had the same suspicions as you, and after years she finally confronted him. She was so relieved that he only cross-dressed, that now she helps him shop for clothes!

Why don't you try being more adventurous in bed. Encourage him to indulge in some fantasies. You may be able to glean some clues from what he chooses to fantasise about.

Answer 4

First of all you will drive yourself absolutely into squirrel food if you are considering something like this based on some subtle things. Secondly until you actually see him having sex with a man, there will always be 'reasonable' doubt, because no woman WANTS her HUSBAND to be gay. I know of a girl who saw 3 different gay,male, porno sites on her computer that she never went to and her husband denied him doing it. They have an infant child at home and no one else. Bottom line is if you feel loved and appreciated and sexually satisfied so what if he drags his s's or uses the word f** excessively. But if you don't feel those things that's what you need to focus on improving-- or getting away from.

Answer 5

That's a tough one.
Maybe you could look into a trans-gender support group, not saying that's what's up with your hubby. But there might be women who were having the same questions that you are having right now.
How does he react when you watch a movie with a man getting intimate?someone that I knew would get nervous when they would see that kind of stuff. Think he felt uncomfortable, like as if I could tell that he was turned on by it.
I hope you find out. There is no sense in living a 'lie'
Good Luck.

Answer 6

If he's showing any attraction to men that goes beyond the standard comment that a man is "handsome," then there is a possibility. Don't go jumping to conclusions though. If he's really gay or bisexual, he needs to tell you on his own time, not be pulled out of the closet. Obviously if he's not telling you something, he's not comfortable enough with it himself to say it. Wait and see.

Answer 7

You did not tell us the subtle clues. I had a friend who came out to his wife, two small boys and all his family and friends that he was gay and left. Be cautious

Answer 8

Play a game with him like truth or dare and ask him like whats his sex fansties? Or tell him you read this book and ask him like do gay guys act normal? Or ask him what does bi mean? Act kinda silly. If he says you know say no I don't and I wanna know . Tell him you read it in a book and you don't know what it means. Kinda beat around the bush about things.

Answer 9

Well, if you think he is, then he probably is. Most of the time a person's gut feeling about things are accurate. Just talk to him and see what he says or ask one of his family members to see if they agree with what you believe.

Answer 10

Buy a playgirl leave it in a place he might find it and try and catch him reading it .Study the look on his face.Big smile? Uh-oh!If he get's pissed about your looking at other guys just tell him one of your friends left it.