Will I ever get over it?

Question

I had a miscarriage in 1999. My baby would have been born in July 2000. I can't stop thinking about the child I should have had. Every July I think she or he would be another year older and I imagine the child with me. My partner and I split up a few years ago and he never thinks about it. My family don't know about it. I am the only one grieving for this child who should have been. Is this crazy?

Answer 1

Im very sorry for your loss, I lost my first baby in April 2002. I was devistated as most women are after lossing a baby, i was 18 weeks when I decovered she had stoped growing and I needed a D&C to remove her, I think about her all the time but I know it wasn't the right time for her and she decided not to come. She would have been born September 11th 2002. I fell pregnant very soon after my miscarriage and carried my son to full term. When my son is naughty (morjorty of the time) I think what if I had my first daughter, he would have never been here.

A miscarriage is because the baby shouldn't have been, otherwise it would have, I know thats hard to hear but it just wasn't the right time for that child to come. You have grieved for a long time and this may be affecting your life, you will always think about the baby but you need to move on and live with what you have not what has been taken from you. I think you should have some counciling as I think all women who lost a baby needs to discuss how they feel, It took me 4 years to face reality and get over the loss and think of it as a positive thing, The baby will still be with you but you need to let go or you may never have a child because you were unable to move on from the one you lost and its affecting your life and relationships. Everything happens for a reason and 1 out of 6 pregnancy end in miscarriages so your not alone.

I found it easier to deal with by buying a gardien angle that sits on my bedhead and I look at it and remember my baby I never met, When I feel low I sit there and think, and I feel the angle helps me, you need to find something that helps you, makes you feel like the baby is still with you, maybe a place in the garden or somewhere you can go when you've had a ruff day.

The pain should be less by now but if your holding on to it it will stay with you forever, you need to deal with the loss and make good things come to you, if your hung up on something you can't control you will be negative and only bring negative energy to you, dealing with it will be a huge reliefe and weight off your sholders and you will be able to look positive and bring positive energy and a new love and hopefully a baby to you, but none of this will happen unless you take control of your life and move on.

I wish you all the very best for now and the future. Your worth moving on, you deserve happiness so go and see a counciler and get some help to give you all you deserve.

Answer 2

The Compassionate Friends
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Grief Support After the Death of a Child
The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to provide information to help others be supportive.

The Compassionate Friends is a national nonprofit, self-help support organization that offers friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings. There is no religious affiliation and there are no membership dues or fees.

The secret of TCF's success is simple: As seasoned grievers reach out to the newly bereaved, energy that has been directed inward begins to flow outward and both are helped to heal. The vision of The Compassionate Friends is that everyone who needs us will find us and everyone who finds us will be helped.
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That support group taught me how to address, face and write about my situation. I had a stillborn baby girl on 12/22/1988.
I had to learn how to say and write it. I cried for three months straight until my doctor told me about this support group. They helped me with so much, and I'm still supporting them now, as my small way of giving back for their help.

All life changes including, divorce, separation, moving, job changes, parents passing and especially the loss of a love must be grieved. All people grieve differently, and some are still in denial. I learned that if you don't move through all stages of grief you will stay stuck in the stage in that year. Some part of you will never get to acceptance.
The 5 stages of grief are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining - if only i did that, this would not have happened.
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You have the right to grieve the loss of a love. Every child conceived is a spirit of GOD from the second of conception. Every time that cycle is stopped the spirit goes back to GOD. We are left to grieve. I was left alone to grieve.
We have the ability to love again.

Please contact this group and they do everything as graciously as they can, with all donation support for this non-profit support group, and they are national.

You are not alone. Those of us who have experienced the loss of a love, are with you and we always pray for all people who ever go through this experience.

GOD bless.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't say that I understand what your feeling because I have never experienced that but I do have friends that have gone through it and all I can tell you is that you loved your baby before you even had one and you will never get over that loss. Would you want your parents to get over losing you if that had happened? It is ok to feel this way. I do hope it isn't affecting you living your life. If you feel you can't function or that the pain is too much you may need to seek professional help. Why havent you told you family? Did they not approve of your partner? Maybe including them in this will help you deal with the loss. Try to remember that what is meant to be will be and someday when the time is right I am sure you will be blessed with a child.

Answer 4

Crazy? No! Unhealthy? Yes! It's been six years and although we all are different grieving over a miscarriage a baby that you've never even seen for this length of time is strange. People lose loved ones family, friends, parents and they learn to move beyond serious lost like that in time. I think you need to develop some coping skills and you definitely need to seek counseling. Please get help!

Answer 5

I dont think that is crazy. I would be devastated and thinking about my child all the time too if I had a miscarriage. Some women just heal emotionally faster than others. Although Im sure it never leaves a woman mind when she has had a miscarriage.

Answer 6

I think you're still grieving so strongly because of your situation. you need to progress with your life, and not dwell over things that you have no control over.

You've lost not only the baby you wanted, but the life you had when you first imagined that baby as part of it. I think thats the key part of your issue.

I lost one at about 2 months, but I dont let myself go there. Personally, I believe without a doubt that he/she is taken care of, and I will see that baby again when my life here is done, and we will be together. So until then, I live this life to the best of my ability.

You need to find something too. Improve your life, maybe find a better man, settle down, choose a stimulating career, have a purpose to your being... things like that.

Answer 7

Crazy? No, it's normal. But. Most people need to talk to someone in order to work through the grief. You've been without your partner, your family doesn't even know -- seeing a professional would probably be a very good idea. You don't have to be crazy to need professional help now and then, and though of course you'll never forget things should at least get easier over time. To get better, though, you do need to work through it. Grief counseling, or just seeing a therapist, would be my suggestion.

Answer 8

i had a miscarriage as well and it still hurts me to this day. i lost our first child on my husband's birthday, so i get the double whammy every year now. but you know he doesn't think about it either. it doesn't phase men the way it does women. i really think that you should look into therapy though, to help you. even if it's a support group in your area or online. talking to people who have been there really helps you out whether you realize it or not. and i don't think you're crazy at all. good luck and i wish all the best for you.

Answer 9

No, This is not crazy. I miscarried one of my twins 28 years ago and still think of it. I dont dwell on the situation. I often wonder what she/he would be like or if it was identical to the girl I had. Try and look at it in a positive way. It was obviously not meant to be. Maybe there was something wrong with it and that was Gods way of dealing with it.try and put the past behind you and look to the future.

Answer 10

no i don't think it is crazy. i had a miscarriage in February of this year and i was due to give birth in November and i still think about the baby i lost and if it would of been a boy or a girl. i think that's just natural. you have to remember that these things do happen for a reason. it could of been that the foetus wasn't developing properly. take care hunny. and if you ever want to chat feel free to email me. xxx